Life is a bowl of marshmallows, if you can wait long enough to collect that many marshmallows
I'm doing worse today. I miss him so much. I miss my John. I've been thinking about him all day, nearly nonstop. I was driving away from pearl - I would say home, but I don't really have a "home" right now - and I wanted so badly to turn right onto 9th, instead of left, toward my parents' house. It's not that I mind going to my parents'; I just wanted to go "home," to John. I started to cry as I turned left, once again mentally bullet pointing the reasons why I shouldn't text John, "I want to spend the night with you."
God, I miss him. And it's only getting harder, not easier like it's supposed to. I miss the way he smells. I'm crying again. God, I miss him. My John.
Still, this is less misery than it was when we were together, and I have to remember that. I'm praying to some spirit of something that he'll/he has changed and that he can save us. That he'll make it all better. He said he was here for me and that he's figuring himself out. Maybe I'll pray to him.
I miss him so much. I've been productive and am pushing myself along and Hanno's nearly finished. But I want him. I want a study day, I want a late night, I want to hold his hand and see him smile, and watch a film with him again. I want to just hug him for hours. I want to lay on his chest in that position that's so comfortable it feels as though it were custom molded to fit my body. I want to wake up to the sensation of his running his fingers lightly through my hair.
God, I miss him. Let him not resent me when this is all over, or be the same as he was, should something go wrong.
It's all I can do to not drive over and just prostrate myself. I'm reminded of that instant gratification experiment I read about some time ago in the NYTimes - how kids were tempted with marshmallows, promised additional marshmallows if they abstained from immediately eating the first ones when left alone with them. I want that second marshmallow, god damn it.
...Meanwhile...
I'm getting extremely creeped out by Liz's boyfriend, Justin. he's been sending me texts constantly since I "moved in," calling himself handsome and flirting shamelessly. I thought it was cute and harmless until he started to act even more strangely, doing things like hugging me before Liz when he walks in the house, ignoring her altogether as a joke - he did this at her parents' house when he met us for dinner there on Sunday night, causing Liz to cry. Last night, he stayed sober and kept giving us alcohol; I thought it was all fun and good until he started complimenting both of us, then bet Liz $20 I would make out with her before her manager (who I'm not in the least attracted to) and then kept asking me if I agreed that Liz had great breasts. He tried to "tuck me in" after Liz fell asleep, so I pretended to be way more intoxicated that I was so I could be a pain in the ass; he gave up, happily. I woke up at around 3:30 to the two of them having ridiculously loud sex, which wouldn't have creeped me out, but for the events leading up to it.
Thus, I've decided to take the night off and stay at my parents'. I made an agreement with myself that I'll stay through Sunday and see how it goes - if it stays creepy or gets worse, I'll be gracious and thank them, then take my leave.
God, I miss him. And it's only getting harder, not easier like it's supposed to. I miss the way he smells. I'm crying again. God, I miss him. My John.
Still, this is less misery than it was when we were together, and I have to remember that. I'm praying to some spirit of something that he'll/he has changed and that he can save us. That he'll make it all better. He said he was here for me and that he's figuring himself out. Maybe I'll pray to him.
I miss him so much. I've been productive and am pushing myself along and Hanno's nearly finished. But I want him. I want a study day, I want a late night, I want to hold his hand and see him smile, and watch a film with him again. I want to just hug him for hours. I want to lay on his chest in that position that's so comfortable it feels as though it were custom molded to fit my body. I want to wake up to the sensation of his running his fingers lightly through my hair.
God, I miss him. Let him not resent me when this is all over, or be the same as he was, should something go wrong.
It's all I can do to not drive over and just prostrate myself. I'm reminded of that instant gratification experiment I read about some time ago in the NYTimes - how kids were tempted with marshmallows, promised additional marshmallows if they abstained from immediately eating the first ones when left alone with them. I want that second marshmallow, god damn it.
...Meanwhile...
I'm getting extremely creeped out by Liz's boyfriend, Justin. he's been sending me texts constantly since I "moved in," calling himself handsome and flirting shamelessly. I thought it was cute and harmless until he started to act even more strangely, doing things like hugging me before Liz when he walks in the house, ignoring her altogether as a joke - he did this at her parents' house when he met us for dinner there on Sunday night, causing Liz to cry. Last night, he stayed sober and kept giving us alcohol; I thought it was all fun and good until he started complimenting both of us, then bet Liz $20 I would make out with her before her manager (who I'm not in the least attracted to) and then kept asking me if I agreed that Liz had great breasts. He tried to "tuck me in" after Liz fell asleep, so I pretended to be way more intoxicated that I was so I could be a pain in the ass; he gave up, happily. I woke up at around 3:30 to the two of them having ridiculously loud sex, which wouldn't have creeped me out, but for the events leading up to it.
Thus, I've decided to take the night off and stay at my parents'. I made an agreement with myself that I'll stay through Sunday and see how it goes - if it stays creepy or gets worse, I'll be gracious and thank them, then take my leave.