One Month Post-Opera. sick if i do, sick if i don't
I don't think I can continue with this relationship. I'm telling John that if he'd still like to go to the opera, that will be our last night together for a month. Not a separation, but a break up with a date at the end of the line - a chance to try again - in a month.
My heart is broken and I can't just mend it in a few days with his promise to be someone different. He acted too good to be true yesterday, and though I know he's sincere, it feels painful still. I need to see it all stick. I need to get rid of the hurt and the numbness I just feel when I think of him. A part of me died in our relationship and I can't resurrect it by snapping my fingers, and I can't just believe him by flipping a switch.
I'm numb, and very very sad when the numbness goes away.
I don't know how long Liz and Justin are willing to let me stay in their cozy house. I don't want to overstay my welcome and yet they keep saying they're happy to have me. I have no money to give them. And I know that unless I make myself their maid or something, I'll feel too guilty to stay without couch hopping a little bit.
I just can't go back to my parents'. Every time I think about it, I get this feeling of dread.
Even right now, I don't know what to do with myself.
Liz and Justin must think I'm just fine. And I feel just fine every once in awhile. But I'm not. I'm so far from okay that I can't see ahead of me a week. I don't believe I'll ever make it out of this mire. I'm too scared of losing John and I'm too afraid of staying. I wish I could just show them some emotion other than calmness. I suck at crying in front of people. I just can't be emotional - I feel strange doing that.
Ugh I feel sick and I think I'll just call John tonight and let him know what I'm thinking. Emails are too impersonal. I just wish I didn't have to wait. I just want to do it, make it over with. I just don't know when I'll have time to call him. I've been making myself so busy lately.
I want to give up in life. I can't think of anything to write my Kissing Matters article on and it was due yesterday. Josh won't understand. I always let my emotions impede my fulfillment of responsibilities.
I'm going to try not to so much this time. I think dealing with a month will make either decision easier.
My heart is broken and I can't just mend it in a few days with his promise to be someone different. He acted too good to be true yesterday, and though I know he's sincere, it feels painful still. I need to see it all stick. I need to get rid of the hurt and the numbness I just feel when I think of him. A part of me died in our relationship and I can't resurrect it by snapping my fingers, and I can't just believe him by flipping a switch.
I'm numb, and very very sad when the numbness goes away.
I don't know how long Liz and Justin are willing to let me stay in their cozy house. I don't want to overstay my welcome and yet they keep saying they're happy to have me. I have no money to give them. And I know that unless I make myself their maid or something, I'll feel too guilty to stay without couch hopping a little bit.
I just can't go back to my parents'. Every time I think about it, I get this feeling of dread.
Even right now, I don't know what to do with myself.
Liz and Justin must think I'm just fine. And I feel just fine every once in awhile. But I'm not. I'm so far from okay that I can't see ahead of me a week. I don't believe I'll ever make it out of this mire. I'm too scared of losing John and I'm too afraid of staying. I wish I could just show them some emotion other than calmness. I suck at crying in front of people. I just can't be emotional - I feel strange doing that.
Ugh I feel sick and I think I'll just call John tonight and let him know what I'm thinking. Emails are too impersonal. I just wish I didn't have to wait. I just want to do it, make it over with. I just don't know when I'll have time to call him. I've been making myself so busy lately.
I want to give up in life. I can't think of anything to write my Kissing Matters article on and it was due yesterday. Josh won't understand. I always let my emotions impede my fulfillment of responsibilities.
I'm going to try not to so much this time. I think dealing with a month will make either decision easier.