(no subject)
I've been going in a downward spiral right now. Funny thing is that I have been bobbing in an out of it, telling myself that I should be in an upswing by the time Venice comes around. Apparently I'm going to Venice much sooner than I anticipated. We're leaving the 4th, apparently. The 4th through the 12th. Not 10 days, but 8. It looks like I'll be getting my period about the same day that we leave. Fabulous.
I just hope to god that I'm in one of those great moods when he proposes. I'm worried. Really worried. I have 2.5 weeks. I've already made up my mind to say "yes," but he's notorious for his bad timing. Oy am I nervous. Two more therapy sessions. Maybe three.
Our sex life has been off recently, too. I wonder what it takes to start everything up again, to start feeling like a normal person again? Though, I must say, that last week, when I pulled an all-nighter with him at his shop, we had (quite possibly) the best sex we've ever had. It was quite wild and uninhibited. We were really into one another, and I was feeling good about myself and my body - a testament to the combination of therapy, pain killers, and adderall.
I love him so much. Why do I forget why I love him during these down swings? It's tiring for both of us when I do, and I can't ever seem to figure out why he loves me because of all the guilt I feel from being so difficult; I know I can be so hard to be around. Part of it has to be stress. Absolutely. But it throws everything out of balance and life just seems so unworthy of being lived.
A week ago, though...man, I was so incredibly happy. I was infatuated with John. It seems like eons ago. I even bought him a card that said something to the effect of 'There's no one else I'd rather warm up my feet under...Love ya!" And then I drew a picture of John and myself, calling him "Lover boy" and myself "Curly Head." How could that seem so long ago?
All there is to do, though, is to remember how happy I was..and stemming from my two year anniversary, nonetheless (Marilyn said that that day could be very hard if I was unsure about the relationship - but it was actually so sweet). I didn't have to have a reason to love him back then.
I just need to have faith that I will be happy again with him very very soon because I do love him.
I just hope to god that I'm in one of those great moods when he proposes. I'm worried. Really worried. I have 2.5 weeks. I've already made up my mind to say "yes," but he's notorious for his bad timing. Oy am I nervous. Two more therapy sessions. Maybe three.
Our sex life has been off recently, too. I wonder what it takes to start everything up again, to start feeling like a normal person again? Though, I must say, that last week, when I pulled an all-nighter with him at his shop, we had (quite possibly) the best sex we've ever had. It was quite wild and uninhibited. We were really into one another, and I was feeling good about myself and my body - a testament to the combination of therapy, pain killers, and adderall.
I love him so much. Why do I forget why I love him during these down swings? It's tiring for both of us when I do, and I can't ever seem to figure out why he loves me because of all the guilt I feel from being so difficult; I know I can be so hard to be around. Part of it has to be stress. Absolutely. But it throws everything out of balance and life just seems so unworthy of being lived.
A week ago, though...man, I was so incredibly happy. I was infatuated with John. It seems like eons ago. I even bought him a card that said something to the effect of 'There's no one else I'd rather warm up my feet under...Love ya!" And then I drew a picture of John and myself, calling him "Lover boy" and myself "Curly Head." How could that seem so long ago?
All there is to do, though, is to remember how happy I was..and stemming from my two year anniversary, nonetheless (Marilyn said that that day could be very hard if I was unsure about the relationship - but it was actually so sweet). I didn't have to have a reason to love him back then.
I just need to have faith that I will be happy again with him very very soon because I do love him.