I Miss Him and I hate it.
I miss him. How shitty is that.
He wrote me a message this morning that I got at the dentist: I hope everything went well at the dentist this morning, and your not feeling to much pain. I hope ur day goes well.
I wrote back when I was out and we went back and forth a little bit. Then when i got home, I texted him something about the fires, which he seemed uninterested in. I wish I hadn't initiated a conversation. We're on a break and I don't want him to think everything is normal. Ugh. My mother said I'd be fine if I just didn't initiate anymore conversations.
I think I'm going to eliminate texting from his and my relationship. It causes me too much angst as to when he's going to write back and such.
I'm so screwed up as to how I feel, still. I miss him, but a part of me is nervous that it will be the same. I envisioned standing at the altar if I were ever to marry him, and him not showing because he "didn't know what else to do." I know that's extreme, but that's how I feel. I want to feel okay with him again, but I know that'll only come with replacing bad memories with good ones.
And I do still miss him. I'm just nervous about us. I'm not sure if I should tell him that or what.
I'm glad I'm seeing Quinn tonight. We'll have fun making dessert, watching Bananas, and drinking wine. I love how chill it is. It's weird how some people just fit so easily and all of the trying that goes into the relationship goes out the window and life "just is." It's a good feelling.
I'm going to go run. It'll be the first time in 6 days. Then I'll go write before Quinn.
I think the problem is that when it's good with John, it's almost magical. I want that all the time. And I can't have the other side of it be that he's cruel, for certain. Every compliment he gives me, if he means it, makes me feel like it's the first time anyone ever gave me a compliment. I don't know how else to describe it. It just means that much. I don't know what to do with myself. I need this to be better than it ever was, for him to grow up, and for us both tto be happy and in love without being torn. I need that.
He wrote me a message this morning that I got at the dentist: I hope everything went well at the dentist this morning, and your not feeling to much pain. I hope ur day goes well.
I wrote back when I was out and we went back and forth a little bit. Then when i got home, I texted him something about the fires, which he seemed uninterested in. I wish I hadn't initiated a conversation. We're on a break and I don't want him to think everything is normal. Ugh. My mother said I'd be fine if I just didn't initiate anymore conversations.
I think I'm going to eliminate texting from his and my relationship. It causes me too much angst as to when he's going to write back and such.
I'm so screwed up as to how I feel, still. I miss him, but a part of me is nervous that it will be the same. I envisioned standing at the altar if I were ever to marry him, and him not showing because he "didn't know what else to do." I know that's extreme, but that's how I feel. I want to feel okay with him again, but I know that'll only come with replacing bad memories with good ones.
And I do still miss him. I'm just nervous about us. I'm not sure if I should tell him that or what.
I'm glad I'm seeing Quinn tonight. We'll have fun making dessert, watching Bananas, and drinking wine. I love how chill it is. It's weird how some people just fit so easily and all of the trying that goes into the relationship goes out the window and life "just is." It's a good feelling.
I'm going to go run. It'll be the first time in 6 days. Then I'll go write before Quinn.
I think the problem is that when it's good with John, it's almost magical. I want that all the time. And I can't have the other side of it be that he's cruel, for certain. Every compliment he gives me, if he means it, makes me feel like it's the first time anyone ever gave me a compliment. I don't know how else to describe it. It just means that much. I don't know what to do with myself. I need this to be better than it ever was, for him to grow up, and for us both tto be happy and in love without being torn. I need that.