so i just write
i gave up t.v. and video games. why? because both of them make you stupid by not exploring other options in life. also, i am failing in my school work and it hasn't even been a month. it is difficult.
i am also trying to wake up earlier. i have decided that wasting my time and not getting up early has made my life more difficult than it should be.
right now i am exhausted. i have a terrible headache. last night i couldn't sleep. i don't know if it was because i didn't watch any t.v. or if it was because of the lighting storm. thunderstorms have never kept me up before. the thunder was terribly loud and long lasting. i stayed up late trying to study for a math test, and all i kept thinking was that i need more time to study, then i would answer myself saying, "well you had plenty of time, you just let it squander and now you're in this mess. so buck up!" i looked up and saw that it was 12:45 and i had to wake up at 8:00. i already have a hard time waking up, and to make it more difficult, i sleep in 3 hour sets. so i have to sleep either 12, 9, or 6 hours, otherwise i am delirious the next day. but even as i went to lie down, i couldn't go to sleep. so i read for a while. i still couldn't go to sleep. i started thinking about worries and past demon days. i lay awake thinking of everything that i have done, realizing all the mistakes i have made in the past, fearing i will make the same mistake or worse; make even worse mistakes. then i start to blame other people for my problems. i blame everyone else except myself. it is just easier. but not last night. it just made everything worse, because the more i thought about it the more upset i became. then it occurred to me; that if i could let it go and move on and be careful not to blame other people, i might just be able to go to sleep.
it worked partially. i never actually slept. which is very unusual. i realize now, that to sleep fully, i need to start living my life as if it were my own. because lately, i have been feeling that my life is not mine to: * (*steer, *manipulate, *control). that may sound almost impossible to comprehend, but it is true. everybody should be happy at this one thought; your life: it is your own. you may be frazzled, it may not look good, but it is yours and you can do whatever you want with it. make it good. make it something people want to read about.
i hopefully will get a good night sleep, if nothing else then, because i am exhausted.
i am also trying to wake up earlier. i have decided that wasting my time and not getting up early has made my life more difficult than it should be.
right now i am exhausted. i have a terrible headache. last night i couldn't sleep. i don't know if it was because i didn't watch any t.v. or if it was because of the lighting storm. thunderstorms have never kept me up before. the thunder was terribly loud and long lasting. i stayed up late trying to study for a math test, and all i kept thinking was that i need more time to study, then i would answer myself saying, "well you had plenty of time, you just let it squander and now you're in this mess. so buck up!" i looked up and saw that it was 12:45 and i had to wake up at 8:00. i already have a hard time waking up, and to make it more difficult, i sleep in 3 hour sets. so i have to sleep either 12, 9, or 6 hours, otherwise i am delirious the next day. but even as i went to lie down, i couldn't go to sleep. so i read for a while. i still couldn't go to sleep. i started thinking about worries and past demon days. i lay awake thinking of everything that i have done, realizing all the mistakes i have made in the past, fearing i will make the same mistake or worse; make even worse mistakes. then i start to blame other people for my problems. i blame everyone else except myself. it is just easier. but not last night. it just made everything worse, because the more i thought about it the more upset i became. then it occurred to me; that if i could let it go and move on and be careful not to blame other people, i might just be able to go to sleep.
it worked partially. i never actually slept. which is very unusual. i realize now, that to sleep fully, i need to start living my life as if it were my own. because lately, i have been feeling that my life is not mine to: * (*steer, *manipulate, *control). that may sound almost impossible to comprehend, but it is true. everybody should be happy at this one thought; your life: it is your own. you may be frazzled, it may not look good, but it is yours and you can do whatever you want with it. make it good. make it something people want to read about.
i hopefully will get a good night sleep, if nothing else then, because i am exhausted.