Im scared of everything about myself
What a weird morning. Hopefulkly it's only because I got 3 hours of sleep last night, but the ride to work today was filled with the most awful thoughts. I think I'm starting to lose my grip on who I am.
I'm starting to think that some things do matter. Even worse, I started to consider what people think of me, and possibly my family because of me.
And I'm starting to think I'm less hateful too.
I wonder if it's because I am more happy. Like, I know it must seem crazy to most people, but I really am afraid of being happy. The idea of being anything other than a pissed off weirdo is foreign and uncomfortable to me.
I was watching the Discovery Channel last night, and this guy was visiting the Kombai people of Indonesia, the last group of people believed to still practice cannabalism. Every time he went to a different village, they would threaten him with their arrows until they knew he was not an enemy (proven by an offering of tobacco.) They would reached this conclusion, and then be very receptive of him, but all the while as he sat and talked with them, I felt myself growing tense; for one could sense, any false moves could put him in a very precarious, and mortal, situation.
And that is how I feel. All the time. Any time I am with another person, I feel like we're struggling to understand each other, nearly speaking two entirely different languages. Correction: the same language, only our words have different meanings.
One false move, one false statement, one reference so obscure that proves I am not to be trusted to have a conversation with. It feels like at every moment I face banishment. The hermit.
I said something at work today, and the girl asked where I was from. I thought at first she was insinuating that she thought I was an alien.
Sometimes I wonder myself.
I'm starting to think that some things do matter. Even worse, I started to consider what people think of me, and possibly my family because of me.
And I'm starting to think I'm less hateful too.
I wonder if it's because I am more happy. Like, I know it must seem crazy to most people, but I really am afraid of being happy. The idea of being anything other than a pissed off weirdo is foreign and uncomfortable to me.
I was watching the Discovery Channel last night, and this guy was visiting the Kombai people of Indonesia, the last group of people believed to still practice cannabalism. Every time he went to a different village, they would threaten him with their arrows until they knew he was not an enemy (proven by an offering of tobacco.) They would reached this conclusion, and then be very receptive of him, but all the while as he sat and talked with them, I felt myself growing tense; for one could sense, any false moves could put him in a very precarious, and mortal, situation.
And that is how I feel. All the time. Any time I am with another person, I feel like we're struggling to understand each other, nearly speaking two entirely different languages. Correction: the same language, only our words have different meanings.
One false move, one false statement, one reference so obscure that proves I am not to be trusted to have a conversation with. It feels like at every moment I face banishment. The hermit.
I said something at work today, and the girl asked where I was from. I thought at first she was insinuating that she thought I was an alien.
Sometimes I wonder myself.