Close Your Eyes (Blow My Fucking Brains Out...)
Goddamn... I never knew how much someone could take out of you until I finally severed ties with my ex-girlfriend.
I've been revisiting a lot of things from the past year and holy shit, that emotional wreck too so much of my fucking life out of me. Like, I never thought that could happen to me but I suppose as a human, you're never immune to anything.
I remember Manson talking about his relationship with Dita and how he felt like he had to become a different person and how much that ate at him. I totally understand that now.
For reasons beyond my personal comprehension, I had become a very different person around that woman. A shallow example of this is the fact I basically hadn't picked up a makeup brush in a year and a half.
Now... that shouldn't really be a huge deal... I mean fuck, I am a guy after all but having the ability to express myself (as thirteen as that sounds) however I fucking feel like... even if that means walking around the house in 5 1/2 inch knee high boots is extremely important to me. And I allowed someone to take that from me because I 'loved' them.
Thankfully, I'm away from it, even though I was made to feel like the fucking scum of this Earth in the process. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the nicest guy in the world... hell, I'm a prick, an asshole, self-centered... I could go on.
But I am completely honest (to a fault if you ask Laney... haha) and anyone that knows me closely (and even people who don't) know I have no qualms about throwing myself out into the world... every woman I've been with knew exactly what they were getting before they jumped into my bed.
Above everything else, I do give a fuck... probably too much for my own good. That leech could call me for help right now and I would drop everything and do what I can. This is, has, and always will be the case for anyone that I care about... just ask any of my exes.
Anyway, I'm ranting. I've spent the last month or so trying to determine where the hell I put myself. I've been looking at those things I've always been interested in (sex. drugs. androgyny. sadomasochism, etc.) with almost a bit of fear... it's been awhile and there's a part of me that wonders if that person was even really 'me' in the first place.
Regardless, I'm now around someone/people who for reasons beyond my personal comprehension happily accepts me for what I am... and it's like a breath of fresh air.
I'm on my way back... slowly, and it feels even better than it did the first time around.
I've been revisiting a lot of things from the past year and holy shit, that emotional wreck too so much of my fucking life out of me. Like, I never thought that could happen to me but I suppose as a human, you're never immune to anything.
I remember Manson talking about his relationship with Dita and how he felt like he had to become a different person and how much that ate at him. I totally understand that now.
For reasons beyond my personal comprehension, I had become a very different person around that woman. A shallow example of this is the fact I basically hadn't picked up a makeup brush in a year and a half.
Now... that shouldn't really be a huge deal... I mean fuck, I am a guy after all but having the ability to express myself (as thirteen as that sounds) however I fucking feel like... even if that means walking around the house in 5 1/2 inch knee high boots is extremely important to me. And I allowed someone to take that from me because I 'loved' them.
Thankfully, I'm away from it, even though I was made to feel like the fucking scum of this Earth in the process. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the nicest guy in the world... hell, I'm a prick, an asshole, self-centered... I could go on.
But I am completely honest (to a fault if you ask Laney... haha) and anyone that knows me closely (and even people who don't) know I have no qualms about throwing myself out into the world... every woman I've been with knew exactly what they were getting before they jumped into my bed.
Above everything else, I do give a fuck... probably too much for my own good. That leech could call me for help right now and I would drop everything and do what I can. This is, has, and always will be the case for anyone that I care about... just ask any of my exes.
Anyway, I'm ranting. I've spent the last month or so trying to determine where the hell I put myself. I've been looking at those things I've always been interested in (sex. drugs. androgyny. sadomasochism, etc.) with almost a bit of fear... it's been awhile and there's a part of me that wonders if that person was even really 'me' in the first place.
Regardless, I'm now around someone/people who for reasons beyond my personal comprehension happily accepts me for what I am... and it's like a breath of fresh air.
I'm on my way back... slowly, and it feels even better than it did the first time around.