BECAUSE IT'S THE SECOND ROUND ALREADY AND I STILL DON'T HAVE AN NBA PLAYOFFS POST
Confetti rained down on the Philips Arena in Atlanta last week after the lowly Hawks forced a deciding Game 7 against the powerhouse Boston Celtics. Paul Pierce headed into the dugout with his head down as Joe Johnson, Josh Childress, and Zaza Pachulia whooped it up in midcourt as if they just survived the end of the world.
Although we all know by now that Boston manhandled Atlanta in the do-or-die game, the Hawks’ performance in what was predicted by many as the most lopsided postseason series summarizes this season’s playoffs: orgasmically surprising.
Are-you-kidding-me? Moments were aplenty in the first round. The Pistons needing six games to eliminate the Sixers, the Spurs ousting the Suns in five short games, the upstart Hornets eliminating the experienced Mavericks, and Tracy McGrady suffering another first round heartbreak. Okay, the last one was not much of a surprise, but you get the point: expect the unexpected in the 2008 NBA Playoffs. Heck, Samuel Dalembert even sported an appalling Mohawk!
Even though most of my bets are already out, I still wake up earlier than usual just to watch the playoffs. I literally look for the remote the moment I open my sleep-deprived eyes. Not following this year’s postseason is like leading the Bosnian Genocide-it’s unforgivable! That tasteless exaggeration cues my usually-off-the-mark, painfully long, and insanely boring predictions for the second round of the 2008 NBA Playoffs.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Boston Celtics (1) vs. Cleveland Cavaliers (4)
LeBron James can now put his stupid beef with the DeShawn Stevenson-Soulja Boy Love Team aside and focus on the task ahead: defeating the Celtics. But he clearly can’t do it alone. The rest of the Cavs must stop shooting bricks if they want to beat the C’s. Bron-Bron passes the ball well off the double team and it’s imperative for his teammates to make their shots. Cleveland split its season series with Boston to two apiece and LeBron averaged 12.5 assists in those two wins with four other players scoring at least eight points in both games.
Kevin Garnett and company escaped the Hawks by the skin of their green teeth and they’ll make sure there will be no more upsets. The postseason is all about discipline and defense and the Celtics excel in both. They held the Hawks to just 87.1 PPG in the first round and they will have no problem duplicating that against a team that doesn’t have a consistent offensive threat not named LeBron James. Boston's firepower is too much for Cleveland to handle. Sam Cassell’s smiling face will haunt the Cavaliers in their sleep for the rest of their lives.
Objective prediction: Boston in six games
What I want: Boston in seven games
Why: Who wouldn’t want a KG-LBJ Game 7 showdown?
Detroit Pistons (2) vs. Orlando Magic (3)
Dwight Howard is now a man! Say it aloud with me in your most baritone voice. Dwight Howard is now a man! Beneath the smile and childish antics is a very serious and dominating man (minus the scruffy beard and the receding hairline). He averaged 22.6 points and 18.2 rebounds in the first round. If that doesn’t scare the Pistons then I don’t know what will. But! D-12 still lacks composure in crunch time, commits too many turnovers (3.2 TOPG), and has terrible free throw shooting (59.0%). Howard disappears in the clutch that’s why the Magic will do too.
The Pistons are too experienced for the Magic, especially in crunch time, and that will be the deciding factor in this series. The let’s-find-the-open-man system of Detroit is perfect for the scrappy atmosphere of the playoffs, while the let’s-throw-two-million-three-pointers system of Orlando is not. The Pistons definitely don’t have an answer for the Man-Child but their team defense will spell the difference. In the end, it is Rasheed Wallace who will display his childish antics as Detroit advances to the Eastern Conference Finals for the fifth straight time.
Objective prediction: Detroit in seven games
What I want: Orlando in seven games
Why: Because Penny Hardaway played his best years in Orlando
WESTERN CONFERENCE
L.A. Lakers (1) vs. Utah Jazz (5)
Deron Williams must be wearing John Stockton’s short shorts when he sleeps with the way he’s playing. No one in the Lakers point guard rotation can guard him. Derek Fisher is too slow, Jordan Farmar lacks the lateral skills, and Sasha Vujacic is more concerned about his hair. Only Kobe Bryant can defend Williams and it remains to be seen whether KB-24 is willing to exert high energy on defense while carrying the scoring load at the same time. If Kobe can shackle Deron every game then the Jazz will surely be out of tune (sorry for the intended pun).
This match-up really boils down to Kobe and Deron with Pau Gasol and Carlos Boozer canceling each other out and Memo Okur and Lamar Odom playing a game of “Who Can Choke Better?” Kobe is the most unstoppable player in the planet today so he clearly has an edge. Having Colonel Sanders a.k.a Phil Jackson on his side is another plus as the veteran tactician makes terrific in-game adjustments. KB-24 likes to play and the postseason is his vast playground. No one can make him go home. Even if Utah bribes him with Andrei Kirilenko’s wife.
Objective prediction: L.A. Lakers in six games
What I want: Utah in seven games
Why: Because they’re against the Lakers
New Orleans Hornets (2) vs. San Antonio Spurs (3)
The Hornets are in the second round? Yes, that’s the question most are still asking (including myself). Really, how can the Hornets beat the Mavericks? Oh, I completely forgot. They have this guy named Chris Paul. Quit the Isiah Thomas and Tiny Archibald comparisons, he is Chris Paul, period. He’s playing on another level. 24.6 PPG and 12.0 APG? I’m picking my jaw on the floor. The Hornets have evolved into an organized and role-dictated squad with Paul’s leadership. The Hornets are almost impossible to beat when they’re clicking on all cylinders.
But if there’s one team that can end New Orleans’ fairytale season, it’s the San Antonio Spurs. The defending champions are the most organized bunch in the NBA and no one can deny their efficiency. Their style may be as exciting as a root canal but they’ve already won three crowns in the last five seasons. Turnovers will be the deciding factor in this series since the Spurs (12.0 TOPG) and the Hornets (11.3 TOPG) take care of the ball real well. The team that will depart from its low TO average will pack bags early. Don’t expect the Spurs to do that.
Objective prediction: San Antonio in seven games
What I want: New Orleans in seven games
Why: Because Spurs basketball is also as exciting as watching my grandmother cross-stitch