(no subject)
I stumbled across my girlfriend Jess' livejournal the other day. I didn't know she had one. Well I guess she would have no reason for telling me she had created one...right?
Well I proceeded to read every word of of every entry she had made.
Jess is an amazing and sweet girl and I love her very much, but she has done some incredibly fucked up things to me...forgivable but unforgettable things, you know? She is one of those people whos id shows whenever they get drunk, and its a disgusting sight. For the very extended period of time that she was cheating on me, she never once showed any signs of guilt, and repeatedly lied through her teeth. "Wow," I thought, "This girl is really fucked up."
But as I read her journal, I could see that she had in fact struggled, just a little, with the guilt of her malefaction. I could see where she was struggling with me as well, because I can be quite difficult too(only as a result of what she has done, but that is beside the point, and mostly an obsolete statement, so many months later).
I bookmarked her journal, and since have been using it to check on our status. Our relationship has been on rocky grounds recently, and sometimes, after an exceptionally bad fight, I would check the journal, to see if she has meant that last "I hope you die" enough to make an entry about it. So far she hasn't, and we are still dating, although, even as I write this, she is telling me that she hopes I have an awful night, and that what she is doing is "none of my business."
Well anyway, today I looked, and several of the entries had been deleted. Most of the ones with any mentioning of me were gone, as well as one where she expressed her delight at a night well spent doing oxycontin. I guess Jess doesn't want anyone to see that part of her, idk. She is a good girl at heart. As Brian once put it- "That girl wouldn't even know what a forty was had we not shown her."
If that girl doesn't get lost inside a bottle, she will have a wonderful life. She is a highly capable person, intelligent, and fiercely independent. But that last quality makes it hard to have a relationship with her. She is not happy with me, and she will never be. I cannot offer her te things she needs. So her moods are becoming increasingly unstable...every other day, now, she is freaking out because I sound unenthusiastic and i am so boring and a mope and i never want to do anything and she is sick of it and she has fallen out of contact with her friends because of me and etc etc etc etc. I am a mope all the time because I don't forget the things she says to me. I can't see her and act happy when I know that she isn't happy, that she says "sure, I will go to your house" just because it is the easiest thing to do in that situation, rather than start a fight because she wants to go get alcohol yet again. There is so much more, but it is too depressing.
So now, I wait. According to her, it is just matter of days before she breaks up with me once and for all. I don't blame her, I can't give her what she wants. I just wish she hadn't deceived me for so long.
Ahead is either a long and depressing process of recovery, or, if she doesn't break up with me, a strained and torturous relationship. The future is bleak. Maybe she will just start to like me, or stop taking out her frustration on me... but things don't look too hopeful.
Well I proceeded to read every word of of every entry she had made.
Jess is an amazing and sweet girl and I love her very much, but she has done some incredibly fucked up things to me...forgivable but unforgettable things, you know? She is one of those people whos id shows whenever they get drunk, and its a disgusting sight. For the very extended period of time that she was cheating on me, she never once showed any signs of guilt, and repeatedly lied through her teeth. "Wow," I thought, "This girl is really fucked up."
But as I read her journal, I could see that she had in fact struggled, just a little, with the guilt of her malefaction. I could see where she was struggling with me as well, because I can be quite difficult too(only as a result of what she has done, but that is beside the point, and mostly an obsolete statement, so many months later).
I bookmarked her journal, and since have been using it to check on our status. Our relationship has been on rocky grounds recently, and sometimes, after an exceptionally bad fight, I would check the journal, to see if she has meant that last "I hope you die" enough to make an entry about it. So far she hasn't, and we are still dating, although, even as I write this, she is telling me that she hopes I have an awful night, and that what she is doing is "none of my business."
Well anyway, today I looked, and several of the entries had been deleted. Most of the ones with any mentioning of me were gone, as well as one where she expressed her delight at a night well spent doing oxycontin. I guess Jess doesn't want anyone to see that part of her, idk. She is a good girl at heart. As Brian once put it- "That girl wouldn't even know what a forty was had we not shown her."
If that girl doesn't get lost inside a bottle, she will have a wonderful life. She is a highly capable person, intelligent, and fiercely independent. But that last quality makes it hard to have a relationship with her. She is not happy with me, and she will never be. I cannot offer her te things she needs. So her moods are becoming increasingly unstable...every other day, now, she is freaking out because I sound unenthusiastic and i am so boring and a mope and i never want to do anything and she is sick of it and she has fallen out of contact with her friends because of me and etc etc etc etc. I am a mope all the time because I don't forget the things she says to me. I can't see her and act happy when I know that she isn't happy, that she says "sure, I will go to your house" just because it is the easiest thing to do in that situation, rather than start a fight because she wants to go get alcohol yet again. There is so much more, but it is too depressing.
So now, I wait. According to her, it is just matter of days before she breaks up with me once and for all. I don't blame her, I can't give her what she wants. I just wish she hadn't deceived me for so long.
Ahead is either a long and depressing process of recovery, or, if she doesn't break up with me, a strained and torturous relationship. The future is bleak. Maybe she will just start to like me, or stop taking out her frustration on me... but things don't look too hopeful.