I had a bad time
Today I really tried facing up to the truth that I had been in a love obsession for many years. I always kind of knew this, but I was afraid of facing it. I always got these angry thoughts about this woman, why would she not help me? Why should she leave me on my own so much in this? And I didn't want to have this anger in me so I fled into loving her because that seemed the only kosher thing to do for me. I treated the whole matter as a hot potatoe, I was afraid to touch it because I knew from the past that it could singe me.
It was so silly. I lived in the city, had my own appartment, was young and healthy. I could have easily found someone else if I had just decided to love life and leave that gloomy, fearful mindset. Instead I just spent my time with the computer. And with digging through my mind, not noticing how wrong this was.
But maybe it was also meant to be. There are many life stories like Job's, sometimes it seems there is such a thing as fate and we can't do much about it. We fall in love, we cannot help ourselves. I think this is a wrong mindset really, but certain conditions can paralyze us if we allow it. And as a christian I can't afford to disbelieve in malign forces in the world like the devil and people's sinfulness. I mean, that's true in other things too. I just have to observe myself how I react to the news from Japan. It's like when you get to know your dad has died and stuff like that. When things like that happen, it shows that we're weak and living in a bad world, not in a good one. We're not insured against everything, we're not invincible.
I think I still have a shot at the good life. I just have to put much effort and heart into building it. I can't wait until I can move to the city and begin this work. I know God will be with me totally. He is a faithful Father. But I will also need (many) new people in my life and build myself some solid friendships. I am still such a hermit, such an eccentric person. This is all well and good to be eccentric, nobody has the right to hate that in a human. But I think it's only good as long as it enriches my life. When I starts to produce trouble like this love madness obsession delusion trouble pain nightmare I am fully justified in combatting it.
It was so silly. I lived in the city, had my own appartment, was young and healthy. I could have easily found someone else if I had just decided to love life and leave that gloomy, fearful mindset. Instead I just spent my time with the computer. And with digging through my mind, not noticing how wrong this was.
But maybe it was also meant to be. There are many life stories like Job's, sometimes it seems there is such a thing as fate and we can't do much about it. We fall in love, we cannot help ourselves. I think this is a wrong mindset really, but certain conditions can paralyze us if we allow it. And as a christian I can't afford to disbelieve in malign forces in the world like the devil and people's sinfulness. I mean, that's true in other things too. I just have to observe myself how I react to the news from Japan. It's like when you get to know your dad has died and stuff like that. When things like that happen, it shows that we're weak and living in a bad world, not in a good one. We're not insured against everything, we're not invincible.
I think I still have a shot at the good life. I just have to put much effort and heart into building it. I can't wait until I can move to the city and begin this work. I know God will be with me totally. He is a faithful Father. But I will also need (many) new people in my life and build myself some solid friendships. I am still such a hermit, such an eccentric person. This is all well and good to be eccentric, nobody has the right to hate that in a human. But I think it's only good as long as it enriches my life. When I starts to produce trouble like this love madness obsession delusion trouble pain nightmare I am fully justified in combatting it.