trying to understand
In the past three weeks, I had a very intense time. I should have documented it somehow, but I haven't. I think there was a lot of God in it, but a lot of what happened already blurs in my mind. The main message I got from God was that He gave me the troubles with the schizophrenia, the general sense of failure about my life in the last 10 years. He said the human lot is to experience evil, and that I need to accept that. He also seemed to imply that though the human lot is evil, we still shall not become evil ourselves, and we still shall fight evil with good. And after all, even though my lot was difficult sometimes, I was not deprived of all good like great sufferers like Job. I believe in Jesus we have a certain freedom, a certain opportunity to break spells like this, or rather find God willing in Jesus to break such spells. I don't regret having experienced all this evil, provided God leaves open a window of divine grace for me, a means how I can help myself with the painful aspects of experiencing evil. A similar teaching I received was that sometimes in our human misery we may find that we can still treat ourselves with many kinds of good things, simply things like cooking a nice meal, smiling at each other, helping each other. I think the evil God gives us, in the end, means opportunity mainly, that we really love God and that we really care about each other. I got a lot of care when I was sick with the schizo. I lost my girlfriend to another man, that was probably the worst part of it all, but I have peace even with that.
One thing that doesn't come easily is that God seems to want me to be more honestly thankful. Even when we experience evil there are things to be thankful for. For example, the simple fact that I am alive. Even a life of suffering is better than having no life at all. God sometimes showed me suffering where you don't want to live anymore, where you just feel that you can't cope with it and can't reserve yourself almost NO comfort zone. But those moments were rare, they ever endured for much longer than one or two days and if I count them, they maybe happened 5 or 6 times or so. And then I've found that most of this stuff is still due to not having listened well to God earlier in my life. It's still true that if I hadn't been nasty to Jesus in word and deed I wouldn't have had to go through all that. And if I had trusted the church more, maybe I would have found help much sooner. But I can turn it around as I will, it is probably true that God wanted me to suffer like this to make me more earnest, and to make me wiser. In a way, all the suffering made me stronger inside.
I wish though I could repair my relationship with this woman I mentioned. I don't know if that is really possible in the end, perhaps it's one of those things that just aren't meant to be ... maybe things would go much easier if God blessed this relationship. But apparently He didn't, this girl really loves her boyfriend, I think.
The whole thing was a struggle with my wicked will with the divine will. I never wanted to be contend with what I had, I always wanted this fantasy life. I was rarely truly thankful from the heart. I need to dig there and explore there, in genuine thankfulness. I often said thank you in prayer and song, but this isn't what God seems to be after. I must truly believe that my very existence is because of God and that it is not a matter of course. I am the product of the work of God, the Maker of everything created me from nothing and my purpose is to serve Him, not to wander off into mystical fairytale countries.
I always say to God, amaze me, amaze me, but this often gets close to "using God for my entertainment". I always want to learn and become better and more original than before, but there is a limit to that. We humans simply have to remain limited beings whose joy is not in themselves but in their gracious God. God has a stern and strange side in Himself regarding this, which is reflected in the fact that we don't cease being sinners. God humbles us, and sometimes even humiliates us. But I guess if I humble myself more often, this will not happen so much anymore. This is the whole point of digging into the sin things and repenting of them as best as we can. God really hates sin and hasn't stopped doing so in Christ. It's not like I can say to myself, I can sin and just repent of it afterwards and God will be happy. I really have to get this pure intention, and then the will to go through with it. This is really distressing for me, I feel so unsettled and nervous about it. I used to think of sins mostly as bad mistakes that hurt the loving sinner as well as they hurt God. That God ALWAYS allows us to repent, because of His kindness. But I'm afraid that's not the biblical view. At least that's what I feel about the issue now. Although I am also a bit bitter about it, my old views seemed milder and more merciful.
God has shown me how much beyond me He is. I am just a bacteria compared to Him who is infinitely great. And Jesus is a liferaft in a doomed world. No, God will not relent, there will be a day of Judgment.
One thing that doesn't come easily is that God seems to want me to be more honestly thankful. Even when we experience evil there are things to be thankful for. For example, the simple fact that I am alive. Even a life of suffering is better than having no life at all. God sometimes showed me suffering where you don't want to live anymore, where you just feel that you can't cope with it and can't reserve yourself almost NO comfort zone. But those moments were rare, they ever endured for much longer than one or two days and if I count them, they maybe happened 5 or 6 times or so. And then I've found that most of this stuff is still due to not having listened well to God earlier in my life. It's still true that if I hadn't been nasty to Jesus in word and deed I wouldn't have had to go through all that. And if I had trusted the church more, maybe I would have found help much sooner. But I can turn it around as I will, it is probably true that God wanted me to suffer like this to make me more earnest, and to make me wiser. In a way, all the suffering made me stronger inside.
I wish though I could repair my relationship with this woman I mentioned. I don't know if that is really possible in the end, perhaps it's one of those things that just aren't meant to be ... maybe things would go much easier if God blessed this relationship. But apparently He didn't, this girl really loves her boyfriend, I think.
The whole thing was a struggle with my wicked will with the divine will. I never wanted to be contend with what I had, I always wanted this fantasy life. I was rarely truly thankful from the heart. I need to dig there and explore there, in genuine thankfulness. I often said thank you in prayer and song, but this isn't what God seems to be after. I must truly believe that my very existence is because of God and that it is not a matter of course. I am the product of the work of God, the Maker of everything created me from nothing and my purpose is to serve Him, not to wander off into mystical fairytale countries.
I always say to God, amaze me, amaze me, but this often gets close to "using God for my entertainment". I always want to learn and become better and more original than before, but there is a limit to that. We humans simply have to remain limited beings whose joy is not in themselves but in their gracious God. God has a stern and strange side in Himself regarding this, which is reflected in the fact that we don't cease being sinners. God humbles us, and sometimes even humiliates us. But I guess if I humble myself more often, this will not happen so much anymore. This is the whole point of digging into the sin things and repenting of them as best as we can. God really hates sin and hasn't stopped doing so in Christ. It's not like I can say to myself, I can sin and just repent of it afterwards and God will be happy. I really have to get this pure intention, and then the will to go through with it. This is really distressing for me, I feel so unsettled and nervous about it. I used to think of sins mostly as bad mistakes that hurt the loving sinner as well as they hurt God. That God ALWAYS allows us to repent, because of His kindness. But I'm afraid that's not the biblical view. At least that's what I feel about the issue now. Although I am also a bit bitter about it, my old views seemed milder and more merciful.
God has shown me how much beyond me He is. I am just a bacteria compared to Him who is infinitely great. And Jesus is a liferaft in a doomed world. No, God will not relent, there will be a day of Judgment.