Etiquette, 1881
Making Light posted a link to a wonderful etiquette book from 1881:
Our Deportment
OR THE
MANNERS, CONDUCT AND DRESS
OF THE MOST REFINED SOCIETY
Reading the section on Wedding Etiquette tells me that "As the universal bridal present has fallen into disuse, this custom is not now considered obligatory, and if immediate friends and relatives desire to make presents, it should be spontaneous, and in no sense considered obligatory. These presents are not put on exhibition as formerly, but are acknowledged by the bride in a private note to the donor. It is not now considered in good form to talk about these contributions." And of course, "Perfect self-control should be exhibited by all parties during the ceremony."
The next section after that, Home Life and Etiquette, has given me many interesting things to think about. There's a bit about Duties of the Wife to her Husband, which it's easy to pull quotes out of, so as to emphasize the importance of feminism and prove what great strides we've made since then. "She should do nothing to make her husband feel uncomfortable, either mentally or physically, but on the other hand she should strive to the utmost of her ability to do whatever is best calculated to please him..." Exactly the sort of behavior we're trying to discourage, right? It takes unfair advantage of women, and forces them to ignore their own interests in favor of those of their tyrannical husbands.
However, the picture changes when you consider that it's fairly reasonable advice as long as you're dealing with someone equally civilized. The husband has to hold up his end of the deal as well: "His constant duty to his wife is to be ever kind and attentive, to love her as he loves himself, even sacrificing his own personal comfort for her happiness." It seems remarkably fair and equitable.
The main difficulty that comes immediately to my mind is the problem of ending up in a relationship with someone abusive. That's where all these lovely civilized principles break down, because the abusive party is going to ignore the feelings of others, by definition. Divorce was utterly unthinkable in 1881, at least according to the authors of this book, but the discussion of Courtship does offer this invaluable warning: "No lover will assume a domineering attitude over his future wife. If he does so, she will do well to escape from his thrall before she becomes his wife in reality. A domineering lover will be certain to be more domineering as a husband."
A useful warning indeed. Fortunately, I've been consistently dumped by the domineering lovers before they had a chance to become terrible husbands, as they most certainly would have. So now I just need to make sure I don't indulge in fits of temper, hysterics, or other habits of ill-breeding. (It's a good thing no mention was made of bad puns and frequent whistling of silly tunes, or I'd be in trouble.)
Our Deportment
OR THE
MANNERS, CONDUCT AND DRESS
OF THE MOST REFINED SOCIETY
Reading the section on Wedding Etiquette tells me that "As the universal bridal present has fallen into disuse, this custom is not now considered obligatory, and if immediate friends and relatives desire to make presents, it should be spontaneous, and in no sense considered obligatory. These presents are not put on exhibition as formerly, but are acknowledged by the bride in a private note to the donor. It is not now considered in good form to talk about these contributions." And of course, "Perfect self-control should be exhibited by all parties during the ceremony."
The next section after that, Home Life and Etiquette, has given me many interesting things to think about. There's a bit about Duties of the Wife to her Husband, which it's easy to pull quotes out of, so as to emphasize the importance of feminism and prove what great strides we've made since then. "She should do nothing to make her husband feel uncomfortable, either mentally or physically, but on the other hand she should strive to the utmost of her ability to do whatever is best calculated to please him..." Exactly the sort of behavior we're trying to discourage, right? It takes unfair advantage of women, and forces them to ignore their own interests in favor of those of their tyrannical husbands.
However, the picture changes when you consider that it's fairly reasonable advice as long as you're dealing with someone equally civilized. The husband has to hold up his end of the deal as well: "His constant duty to his wife is to be ever kind and attentive, to love her as he loves himself, even sacrificing his own personal comfort for her happiness." It seems remarkably fair and equitable.
The main difficulty that comes immediately to my mind is the problem of ending up in a relationship with someone abusive. That's where all these lovely civilized principles break down, because the abusive party is going to ignore the feelings of others, by definition. Divorce was utterly unthinkable in 1881, at least according to the authors of this book, but the discussion of Courtship does offer this invaluable warning: "No lover will assume a domineering attitude over his future wife. If he does so, she will do well to escape from his thrall before she becomes his wife in reality. A domineering lover will be certain to be more domineering as a husband."
A useful warning indeed. Fortunately, I've been consistently dumped by the domineering lovers before they had a chance to become terrible husbands, as they most certainly would have. So now I just need to make sure I don't indulge in fits of temper, hysterics, or other habits of ill-breeding. (It's a good thing no mention was made of bad puns and frequent whistling of silly tunes, or I'd be in trouble.)