(no subject)
just when i thought i could get any more self-conscious (self-aware?), this happens. ten or so days of aloneness euphoria. ever since the house show pool party at la casa i have felt an extraordinary sense of independence from environment. i always swore i would never go sans shoes anywhere in public, and that day i did it twice. once to a convenience store and once to a fast food restaurant. bathing suit and no shoes. respectfully wearing a shirt, of course.
no matter where i have been, i have felt the notion to fall asleep or take off my clothes as if every inch of this green earth were my bedroom or bathroom.
it was present at typhoon lagoon with my cousins, where i stuporously waited to plummet down a water slide that had given me anxiety three years and six years before.
it was the absence of the butterflies in my stomach i had always experienced when plunging down the slide. (the psychosomatic quality actually scared me.)
it was the one hundred percent calm i experienced in every single action.
it lasted throughout the remainder of my cousins' visit when the night before their departure we were threatened by an entire kansas baseball team on cocoa beach. a dozen to fifteen steroid pumped jocks came close to brawling with us and i was not intimidated by the thought of proudly being beaten to a pulp defending my cousins and friends, obviously more so than the jocks who backed away even with their severely potentially handicapping handicap. my cousins did get to bring back to new york an alligator story *and* a dudebro story.
i'm feeling this omnipotence even as i write.
i am
a. finding more and more happiness in relying on no one but myself for happiness.
b. finding more joy in improving my brain and soul.
c. finding more pleasure in little things, like eating subs and listening to the baby dracula demo tape. if i had more subs i'm sure this would have become a ritual instead of a two day stint.
i spent yesterday reading about multiple victim multiple offender crimes, such as the case of the 1980s california daycare center accused of practicing satanic rituals with 360 children. i learned that when you ask somebody if they were led through a tunnel and then flown in a hot air balloon to a secret location to ride horses naked and drink baby's blood, they'll say no. if you ask them ten times they'll slightly recall it. if you ask them twenty times they'll tell you they also saw an awol marine sodomize a dog (gasp! he was *awol*?! that's sick.).
i actually learned about the implantation of false memories when i had my own 1980s/early 90s ritual: watching 20/20 every friday night after TGIF. i'm rambling. i don't care.
i read an essay written by a man similarly convicted. upon his release from prison he wrote on the freedom to do whatever he wanted at 3am. he was delighted not by the ability to get out of bed, but by the choice.
this is my pardon. twenty-four hours of leisurely ecstasy. abolish work and do what i need to do. earn survival doing things i want to do. is any other way truly necessary?
to some, all this talk of loving life is getting redundant. don't care. gets better. worth recording. to others, it could be a psychiatric case study of anti-social attitudes, yet i assure myself i'm reaching new levels of ease with other humans, animals, machines and supernatural forces, as well.
"god is what i make of him,
and all i have i give to him.
all i own i owe to him.
all my life i pledge to him."
no matter where i have been, i have felt the notion to fall asleep or take off my clothes as if every inch of this green earth were my bedroom or bathroom.
it was present at typhoon lagoon with my cousins, where i stuporously waited to plummet down a water slide that had given me anxiety three years and six years before.
it was the absence of the butterflies in my stomach i had always experienced when plunging down the slide. (the psychosomatic quality actually scared me.)
it was the one hundred percent calm i experienced in every single action.
it lasted throughout the remainder of my cousins' visit when the night before their departure we were threatened by an entire kansas baseball team on cocoa beach. a dozen to fifteen steroid pumped jocks came close to brawling with us and i was not intimidated by the thought of proudly being beaten to a pulp defending my cousins and friends, obviously more so than the jocks who backed away even with their severely potentially handicapping handicap. my cousins did get to bring back to new york an alligator story *and* a dudebro story.
i'm feeling this omnipotence even as i write.
i am
a. finding more and more happiness in relying on no one but myself for happiness.
b. finding more joy in improving my brain and soul.
c. finding more pleasure in little things, like eating subs and listening to the baby dracula demo tape. if i had more subs i'm sure this would have become a ritual instead of a two day stint.
i spent yesterday reading about multiple victim multiple offender crimes, such as the case of the 1980s california daycare center accused of practicing satanic rituals with 360 children. i learned that when you ask somebody if they were led through a tunnel and then flown in a hot air balloon to a secret location to ride horses naked and drink baby's blood, they'll say no. if you ask them ten times they'll slightly recall it. if you ask them twenty times they'll tell you they also saw an awol marine sodomize a dog (gasp! he was *awol*?! that's sick.).
i actually learned about the implantation of false memories when i had my own 1980s/early 90s ritual: watching 20/20 every friday night after TGIF. i'm rambling. i don't care.
i read an essay written by a man similarly convicted. upon his release from prison he wrote on the freedom to do whatever he wanted at 3am. he was delighted not by the ability to get out of bed, but by the choice.
this is my pardon. twenty-four hours of leisurely ecstasy. abolish work and do what i need to do. earn survival doing things i want to do. is any other way truly necessary?
to some, all this talk of loving life is getting redundant. don't care. gets better. worth recording. to others, it could be a psychiatric case study of anti-social attitudes, yet i assure myself i'm reaching new levels of ease with other humans, animals, machines and supernatural forces, as well.
"god is what i make of him,
and all i have i give to him.
all i own i owe to him.
all my life i pledge to him."