Love is Pain
I had a realisation today. The epiphany is very disturbing and I am not entirely clear on how to resolve or change it. I discovered that I associate feeling loved and loving with sharing in painful emotions. I have known for a long while that I have felt most alive and connected when I have been involved in trying to help others through their painful emotions. This has been changing gradually, where I am glad to be a friend, an emotional dumping ground, but I do not want this to be my mode of feeling love. I can give love this way. How do I feel love and connection with the world, with out getting involved in emotional turmoil. Whether it is the emotional whirlwind is with men or friends going through major life experiences, I seem to always be tenaciously engaged in someone else's issues.
I don't want to be mistaken and say that I don't want to be there for my friends. I really do. However, I think there is a healthier way to feel loved than to constantly being involved in other peoples' emotional crisis as though it were my own. Until I can find a way to connect with myself and feel loved with out feeling pain first I am frightened I will be drowned in someone else's life changing experience.
How do you change the way you experience love? How do you change the way you give love? How can I give myself that connection with out relying on my own or someone to express the pain of their past or present. How can I feel connection with the world through a different medium than pain and fortitude? Is it possible? How do others experience love? I am I capable being engaged whilst staying out of other peoples emotional lives? Am I addicted to that form of connection? What can I replace it with? I do want to know I just don't want to be involved as though it were my own life...
I don't think I am being clear, I want to care but not to the extent that it becomes my issue. Like with last semester and Eba's depression becoming my responsibility, instead of focusing my energy on my responsibility to myself to succeed at uni. I feel like this sounds really cold hearted.
I don't want to be mistaken and say that I don't want to be there for my friends. I really do. However, I think there is a healthier way to feel loved than to constantly being involved in other peoples' emotional crisis as though it were my own. Until I can find a way to connect with myself and feel loved with out feeling pain first I am frightened I will be drowned in someone else's life changing experience.
How do you change the way you experience love? How do you change the way you give love? How can I give myself that connection with out relying on my own or someone to express the pain of their past or present. How can I feel connection with the world through a different medium than pain and fortitude? Is it possible? How do others experience love? I am I capable being engaged whilst staying out of other peoples emotional lives? Am I addicted to that form of connection? What can I replace it with? I do want to know I just don't want to be involved as though it were my own life...
I don't think I am being clear, I want to care but not to the extent that it becomes my issue. Like with last semester and Eba's depression becoming my responsibility, instead of focusing my energy on my responsibility to myself to succeed at uni. I feel like this sounds really cold hearted.