The Past
The powers that be were back burning today. It didn't seem like back burning, as the skies were filled with smoke and ash is still wafting in the wind. I foolishly did laundry today and my sheets are a bit sooty. hmm. I thought there were bush fires until I looked it up on the web. There smoky day reminded me of the summer when I was 10 and my friends were being evacuated from their homes. One of the girls in my year lost her home to the fires. My parent newly arrived and highly anxious city slickers decided that it was an ideal time to go on a summer road trip complete with photo albums. Despite the fact that our house at the time was hardly near the bush. They decided to go camping on the south coast of NSW. This was rather ridiculous because shortly after we left many areas in that region were also stricken with bush fires. Camping became truly interesting.
I think that it is just one of the highly stressful holidays I associate with concept of going away. As a kid going away was not a fun concept. I never understood why. My parents would decide to go camping and it would rain the entire time. Or we would go somewhere decent and my father would be stressing about what job he was going to do next. The worrying about a job was totally unnecessary but he was always a fan of an existential crisis. For a while working for Microsoft was the holy grail of jobs. That is one of the main reasons we moved back to the US. I never really bought the line, "so you and your brother can know what it means to be American." I don't really know what that means.I don't think he did either. He can be strangely patriotic. He seems to have that Obama worshipping thing going on. I still don't know what it means to be American despite my mangled accent. I used to be really upset that every time I met someone new I was asked whether or not I was Canadian? I have learnt to accept that it must be part of me even if it is simply some linguistic jazz.
The above has me confused about some of my recent decisions. It is probably all a bit navel gazey and wanky. I am curious to know why I have a desire to run away from my life. I really want to move. I don't like moving. I am not a fan of change. I find making new friends stressful. I feel like pulling away. A lot of people have been reaching out to me lately. I also seem to have problems with putting up boundaries with the kids at uni. They are nice but I haven't decided where they fit in my life. I am happy, so why do I want to run away from my life. Is it something I have learnt from my parents. What am I running from? What do I not want to acknowledge? I am happy why would I want to leave my friends? Where would I go? I am I really serious about Adelaide, or is that a pipe dream? I am going to visit I suppose that will help me decide or will my preconception cloud my judgements. I would move to Perth if it wasn't just as expensive as Sydney. I can't move away from myself? But what is it I want to leave? What is it I want to be different? I am not a fan of the "adventure" of moving. (that was how my parents tried to sell moving to Australia to me as child). I love Sydney and it definitely feels like home. If money wasn't an issue I don't know what part of Sydney I would live in. I am a bit over the whole Newtown thing. I love going out there but I don't think I could sustain a sane existence there in the long run.
What part of me am I running from? I think possibly it is the part of me that cares? But why would I run from that? It has been such a fundamental part of me for so long. I am confused, again.
I think that it is just one of the highly stressful holidays I associate with concept of going away. As a kid going away was not a fun concept. I never understood why. My parents would decide to go camping and it would rain the entire time. Or we would go somewhere decent and my father would be stressing about what job he was going to do next. The worrying about a job was totally unnecessary but he was always a fan of an existential crisis. For a while working for Microsoft was the holy grail of jobs. That is one of the main reasons we moved back to the US. I never really bought the line, "so you and your brother can know what it means to be American." I don't really know what that means.I don't think he did either. He can be strangely patriotic. He seems to have that Obama worshipping thing going on. I still don't know what it means to be American despite my mangled accent. I used to be really upset that every time I met someone new I was asked whether or not I was Canadian? I have learnt to accept that it must be part of me even if it is simply some linguistic jazz.
The above has me confused about some of my recent decisions. It is probably all a bit navel gazey and wanky. I am curious to know why I have a desire to run away from my life. I really want to move. I don't like moving. I am not a fan of change. I find making new friends stressful. I feel like pulling away. A lot of people have been reaching out to me lately. I also seem to have problems with putting up boundaries with the kids at uni. They are nice but I haven't decided where they fit in my life. I am happy, so why do I want to run away from my life. Is it something I have learnt from my parents. What am I running from? What do I not want to acknowledge? I am happy why would I want to leave my friends? Where would I go? I am I really serious about Adelaide, or is that a pipe dream? I am going to visit I suppose that will help me decide or will my preconception cloud my judgements. I would move to Perth if it wasn't just as expensive as Sydney. I can't move away from myself? But what is it I want to leave? What is it I want to be different? I am not a fan of the "adventure" of moving. (that was how my parents tried to sell moving to Australia to me as child). I love Sydney and it definitely feels like home. If money wasn't an issue I don't know what part of Sydney I would live in. I am a bit over the whole Newtown thing. I love going out there but I don't think I could sustain a sane existence there in the long run.
What part of me am I running from? I think possibly it is the part of me that cares? But why would I run from that? It has been such a fundamental part of me for so long. I am confused, again.