misunderstandings??
This seems to be such a recurring thing in my life. Thing is we have all been taught to believe what we see and hear right? Well not everything that we see and hear is correct . We can watch a magician perform an illusion but does this mean it is real? Of course not. However if we go around doubting everything we see or hear we will end up in those one-size-fits-all white jackets and carted of to the nearest psych hospital.
I am Deaf - I have been taught to rely on hearing aids for the most part and I have also relied hugely on facial expression and body language. Naturally the last 2 come with the territory. Now I love IRC, msn, email, sms - anything visual - this means I dont have to try hard to hear - I can see whats said - beautiful, easy, relaxing etc. But I cant see their faces and this presents a problem. However I seem to be fairly adept at picking up moods even when only type is used with no emoticons.
I am also a pretty sensitive person - I hate the slightest bit of contention as I feel attacked or I feel like the situation is becoming too negatively charged and I get quite overwhelmed in these situations. I also tend to think the worst all too easily - I am getting better at this. I used to worry about someone at a party getting up and moving away from me and I would go though all sorts of scenarios - blaming myself of course.
Keep in mind I grew up with a very lonely childhood and a fairly lonely adulthood even tho people were around me. Probably due to not handling my sensitivity and my deafness well - I had no role models, I made lots of mistakes and I equated being deaf with stupidity - that I was somehow a child of a lesser god. I equated sensitivity with being weak and un-masculine. I couldnt understand why I had to be such a sissy - I actually loathed this part of me.
I had a misunderstanding online last nite and it got sorted out in the end. I felt attacked - that my pov was always wrong. The other person said they werent doing that. Their personality has been affected by deep depression and they are also a person who is very much who stands up for the truth and isnt afraid to back down from it. They can be fairly contentious in my view but is that me being sensitive - probably - and I think that the person also is not entirely the sort of person that I gel with - because of the negativity that I sense from them. I know that isnt directed at me, but I lost sight of that last night and got angry about that cos I felt like I was being lectured. Had the convo been face to face woould it have made any difference? I am not sure and I know that it isnt allways my fault - I tend to jump to that conclusion quite easily and I have been learning not to arrive at that conclusion so quickly. Yet my intuition and sensitivity tend to serve me well in judging where a person is at and they may not realise how they are or how they affect other people.
I realise I can be kinda desperate in wanting ppl to connect with - I have had enough of being lonely and I love the people I connect with - but I hate negative waves - and I realise that its prolly why this person has no physical friends to interact with. I know exactly how that feels and I try to be a friend but I realise I may have to limit my time that I spend with them to avoid their impact on me and yet they deserve a friend imho. So its not all me they are part of the equation and I need to be careful that I am not being a problem solver. After all they do have a psychology degree so its like impossible to reason with them - its not worth the effort. Besides I am not on this planet to argue or make waves - I wanna connect with people - maybe I am connecting with a person thats not the right sort of person for me to connect with. Thats sad cos I like all kinds of people.
I dont wanna doubt what I hear and see all the time I have enough problems believing what I hear as it is - it does drive me crazy - it wears me out - I dont wanna be wrong anymore. Thats part of what it was about last night. It was part of my daily dose during my marriage - I losyt a lot of self esteem during those 21 years. I am really grateful for ppl who I have relationshiops with and who I am friends with are so upporting and understading. I am learning to use my sensitivity with my intuition to guid me in picking the people that I should spend time with.
I mean I feel like I have been drawing situations of abuse, or is it just my sensivity? I remember early this year I spent some time with a friend interstate and it was like in a similar vein - I felt attacked - I felt like what right did that person have to say the things they did about myself and my deafness and other areas of my life as i did not invite them to be a mentor. I do know that by having less self esteem I wanted to be told what to do in the past. Perhaps this is still being lived out still. It put me in a situation where I was abused in the past. I was brainwashed by church. It seems to come back to the early messages - do I still want to be told that I am stupid or weak - am I looking for what I am familiar with as I move away from my past of loneliness and unhappiness - like withdrawal symptoms perhaps??
I am trying to accept that I am sensitive and that this means I will have a rollercoaster ride emotionally. I am tired of such extremes of emotion - its like the higher I go the further I fall - yet I want happiness and love and touch and more. Its NOT wrong to want those things - I struggle with that too. I have had this core belief that I couldnt have anything good cos this was what happened to hearing people not deaf ppl.
I am so aware of myself its painful and mind boggling - and there is a cost to every path - the price of self awareness is self awarness. Ok I think I haver covered what I wanted to say. Comments are welcome :-)
I am Deaf - I have been taught to rely on hearing aids for the most part and I have also relied hugely on facial expression and body language. Naturally the last 2 come with the territory. Now I love IRC, msn, email, sms - anything visual - this means I dont have to try hard to hear - I can see whats said - beautiful, easy, relaxing etc. But I cant see their faces and this presents a problem. However I seem to be fairly adept at picking up moods even when only type is used with no emoticons.
I am also a pretty sensitive person - I hate the slightest bit of contention as I feel attacked or I feel like the situation is becoming too negatively charged and I get quite overwhelmed in these situations. I also tend to think the worst all too easily - I am getting better at this. I used to worry about someone at a party getting up and moving away from me and I would go though all sorts of scenarios - blaming myself of course.
Keep in mind I grew up with a very lonely childhood and a fairly lonely adulthood even tho people were around me. Probably due to not handling my sensitivity and my deafness well - I had no role models, I made lots of mistakes and I equated being deaf with stupidity - that I was somehow a child of a lesser god. I equated sensitivity with being weak and un-masculine. I couldnt understand why I had to be such a sissy - I actually loathed this part of me.
I had a misunderstanding online last nite and it got sorted out in the end. I felt attacked - that my pov was always wrong. The other person said they werent doing that. Their personality has been affected by deep depression and they are also a person who is very much who stands up for the truth and isnt afraid to back down from it. They can be fairly contentious in my view but is that me being sensitive - probably - and I think that the person also is not entirely the sort of person that I gel with - because of the negativity that I sense from them. I know that isnt directed at me, but I lost sight of that last night and got angry about that cos I felt like I was being lectured. Had the convo been face to face woould it have made any difference? I am not sure and I know that it isnt allways my fault - I tend to jump to that conclusion quite easily and I have been learning not to arrive at that conclusion so quickly. Yet my intuition and sensitivity tend to serve me well in judging where a person is at and they may not realise how they are or how they affect other people.
I realise I can be kinda desperate in wanting ppl to connect with - I have had enough of being lonely and I love the people I connect with - but I hate negative waves - and I realise that its prolly why this person has no physical friends to interact with. I know exactly how that feels and I try to be a friend but I realise I may have to limit my time that I spend with them to avoid their impact on me and yet they deserve a friend imho. So its not all me they are part of the equation and I need to be careful that I am not being a problem solver. After all they do have a psychology degree so its like impossible to reason with them - its not worth the effort. Besides I am not on this planet to argue or make waves - I wanna connect with people - maybe I am connecting with a person thats not the right sort of person for me to connect with. Thats sad cos I like all kinds of people.
I dont wanna doubt what I hear and see all the time I have enough problems believing what I hear as it is - it does drive me crazy - it wears me out - I dont wanna be wrong anymore. Thats part of what it was about last night. It was part of my daily dose during my marriage - I losyt a lot of self esteem during those 21 years. I am really grateful for ppl who I have relationshiops with and who I am friends with are so upporting and understading. I am learning to use my sensitivity with my intuition to guid me in picking the people that I should spend time with.
I mean I feel like I have been drawing situations of abuse, or is it just my sensivity? I remember early this year I spent some time with a friend interstate and it was like in a similar vein - I felt attacked - I felt like what right did that person have to say the things they did about myself and my deafness and other areas of my life as i did not invite them to be a mentor. I do know that by having less self esteem I wanted to be told what to do in the past. Perhaps this is still being lived out still. It put me in a situation where I was abused in the past. I was brainwashed by church. It seems to come back to the early messages - do I still want to be told that I am stupid or weak - am I looking for what I am familiar with as I move away from my past of loneliness and unhappiness - like withdrawal symptoms perhaps??
I am trying to accept that I am sensitive and that this means I will have a rollercoaster ride emotionally. I am tired of such extremes of emotion - its like the higher I go the further I fall - yet I want happiness and love and touch and more. Its NOT wrong to want those things - I struggle with that too. I have had this core belief that I couldnt have anything good cos this was what happened to hearing people not deaf ppl.
I am so aware of myself its painful and mind boggling - and there is a cost to every path - the price of self awareness is self awarness. Ok I think I haver covered what I wanted to say. Comments are welcome :-)