recent happenings and a quiet revolution
This a little late but I enjoyed my weekend with the possible exception of my ex's birthday on the Friday nite. That was ruined by some comments and pushing about my sons car and insurance - hardly the stuff of birthday celebrations. But Sat nite was good talking to a fellow who was in a similar situation to me in regards to discovering his bisexuality. Having hugs and snogs with people which is tremendously important - to me affection is incredibly vital. Less cranky this last few days lol. Sunday was fab in that I finally got to meet up with someone who I'd tried to set up a meeting a few times before and YAY :-D finally we meet and she is a nice lady of similar age and we will see how it all goes. She is American and has kids works and studies so I wonder how much time she has. We got on pretty well, the nerves disappeared fairly soon. Her voice is easy to follow for the most part. I wasnt expecting American but at the same time it makes things more interesting.
Finally I can hang up my taxi gear as my son has his licence. WOO HOO what a relief - I know I will prolly miss carting him around in a way but it is a sheer relief to not have msn convos or studies interrupted or to have to keep asking what time he starts school in the morning. Another good development is that he has been told by NICA that VCE is very essential to the BA of Circus Arts so he is taking things more seriously which I am pleased to see. YAY again :-) I have transferred my old car to him and its in his name and he is the owner and takes sole responsibility for it. He is growin up sigh....
Spoke with my TAFE counsellor today and we get on well we are both very similar as we share the same Myers-Briggs type and she has been on a similar journey in her life even though she is straight and hearing - we have lots of similarities in common. I talked about where I am at in my life with Poly and Bi and my life in general. I remembered what the counsellor said 2 weeks before which kinda rocked me - she pointed out that my ex was most likely threatened by my learning and expanding and spending time with friends of the opposite sex as it all most likely represented the threat of myself leaving her for other pursuits or other women. I did know this but I saw it on a new level altogether. It kinda made sense the type of person she was who wanted to dominate so that i couldnt wander too far. I am sure that my ex doesnt realise the extent of this. She just saw it as natural behaviour to be jealous, that I was doing all the things that were wrong. I realise that much more than my sexuality was repressed it was the whole of me that was treated that way. Unless it was time spent with a guy it was off limits in her eyes. I was quite resentful that I couldnt have friends - I didnt want to shag them all - I simply wanted to connect with people and I couldnt do it with her cos she dominated the conversation. I guess I am still angry about it all. Yet it was as I went along in my marriage that I realised that I was in a trap - a prison no less. To be fair I allowed these things to happen and I didnt stand up for myself much as I had very little self esteem and I sought to survive by not rocking the boat but this didnt work for very long. I wanted to experience lots of people at different levels. Or was it just a thing of not having had my adolescence like 'normal' people do - I think that my ex feels thats what it is and that I will find myself empty at some point down the road. To be honest that does worry me a little. I dont want to be left high and dry in my old age. I am learning that I as I am me - truly me I will draw the people that are like me to me. I have seen that as I have gone thru the separation and come out the other end 2 years later.
I am also conscious that I am doing very well as being involved with the poly community has allowed me to grow at a faster pace than I probably would have as a mono community member. I am grateful for where I am altho I am very much up and down at the moment. I am conscious that as my self esteem and confidence grows the huge drops in my emotional self will become less - thank goodness I couldnt cope with such varying levels of emotion. Its hard to be strong when I am not - I dont feel strong and yet people say that I have strength and even I recognise it - its like courage is not the absence of fear, perhaps strength is not the absence of weakness as cryptic as that sounds. I so wanna be in a place where I am quite comfortable with who I am yet I cannot deprive myself of the journey. Its happening -a quiet revolution is taking place....
Finally I can hang up my taxi gear as my son has his licence. WOO HOO what a relief - I know I will prolly miss carting him around in a way but it is a sheer relief to not have msn convos or studies interrupted or to have to keep asking what time he starts school in the morning. Another good development is that he has been told by NICA that VCE is very essential to the BA of Circus Arts so he is taking things more seriously which I am pleased to see. YAY again :-) I have transferred my old car to him and its in his name and he is the owner and takes sole responsibility for it. He is growin up sigh....
Spoke with my TAFE counsellor today and we get on well we are both very similar as we share the same Myers-Briggs type and she has been on a similar journey in her life even though she is straight and hearing - we have lots of similarities in common. I talked about where I am at in my life with Poly and Bi and my life in general. I remembered what the counsellor said 2 weeks before which kinda rocked me - she pointed out that my ex was most likely threatened by my learning and expanding and spending time with friends of the opposite sex as it all most likely represented the threat of myself leaving her for other pursuits or other women. I did know this but I saw it on a new level altogether. It kinda made sense the type of person she was who wanted to dominate so that i couldnt wander too far. I am sure that my ex doesnt realise the extent of this. She just saw it as natural behaviour to be jealous, that I was doing all the things that were wrong. I realise that much more than my sexuality was repressed it was the whole of me that was treated that way. Unless it was time spent with a guy it was off limits in her eyes. I was quite resentful that I couldnt have friends - I didnt want to shag them all - I simply wanted to connect with people and I couldnt do it with her cos she dominated the conversation. I guess I am still angry about it all. Yet it was as I went along in my marriage that I realised that I was in a trap - a prison no less. To be fair I allowed these things to happen and I didnt stand up for myself much as I had very little self esteem and I sought to survive by not rocking the boat but this didnt work for very long. I wanted to experience lots of people at different levels. Or was it just a thing of not having had my adolescence like 'normal' people do - I think that my ex feels thats what it is and that I will find myself empty at some point down the road. To be honest that does worry me a little. I dont want to be left high and dry in my old age. I am learning that I as I am me - truly me I will draw the people that are like me to me. I have seen that as I have gone thru the separation and come out the other end 2 years later.
I am also conscious that I am doing very well as being involved with the poly community has allowed me to grow at a faster pace than I probably would have as a mono community member. I am grateful for where I am altho I am very much up and down at the moment. I am conscious that as my self esteem and confidence grows the huge drops in my emotional self will become less - thank goodness I couldnt cope with such varying levels of emotion. Its hard to be strong when I am not - I dont feel strong and yet people say that I have strength and even I recognise it - its like courage is not the absence of fear, perhaps strength is not the absence of weakness as cryptic as that sounds. I so wanna be in a place where I am quite comfortable with who I am yet I cannot deprive myself of the journey. Its happening -a quiet revolution is taking place....