When are you finally going to start doing stuff for you?
This year has gone by so fast in two days, and four months I will be 19 years old. The fact is that right now I am 18, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid if I stay in this house I will blink my eyes, and I'll be 22 before I know it, and still trying to mend together my brothers life, and my fathers life. I can't, I can't now at 18, I couldn't when I first started trying at the age of 16, and I doubt I'll be able to when I'm 22. I am whiling to do whatever it takes to get all this negativity out of my life, finally, for once and for all, so I can move on and do the things I want need to do. I know that telling my father and my brother to go fuck them self, and everyone else can kiss my ass for trying to judge me makes me feel guilty and selfish, but you want to know what I have never been selfish. I have never really done anything for me. For the passed 4,6,8? years I have been doing my whole families laundry, cooking them dinner, taking care of everyone who was suppose to me taking care of me, and I dealt with it, and went on with my life trying to be as normal as everything else. I have been working since I was legally able to work, I have always been happy with everything I've had, laughing, joyful, smile like sunshine..... & for what, now I'm miserable, nerve racking, and on edge, I'VE NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS. Heres the thing that I can't seem to stop wondering as I lay in bed, tired as a dog, what if I was still in high school right now? Would my father be forced to actually be responsible? Would I have be assumed to work to pay my bills and some of my fathers, would I not be accused to being a bad sister for not seeing my brother while hes in jail? Or would I still of been left with the opinion of dropping out? Sometimes kids really do have to drop out and work full time to support themselves and there family, yes even in the millenia, this day and age. No that doesn't mean that I am stupid, or lazy, or a drug addict... It means that not all of us are so lucky to have a Brady Bunch family. My family hasn't been that way since I can remember. Maybe when I was 6 years old? When even then how sad is it that a man who is a friend of the family was more of a father then my own father was now, and then. I know that every trial and error makes me stronger, that in the end of the day I will be happier because of this, but to what extent? Do I really have to cut myself off of my father, and my family, to get a little recognition? After moving out and struggling because I refuse to come back to this hell hole, will people then want to help me? Like helping someone now a days for the common respect is too much, but we now only do it for the pity sake, when someone important to looking to pat you on the back. I don't think I should have to get down on one knee and beg for help, and good advice, so I wont start doing so now.
As far as I'm concerned my new years revolution is to never, ever, stoop low enough where I feel forced to have to take someone elses weight on my shoulders, and have to put someone else before me. & as far as I'm concerned after I move out... I don't think I will be visiting my father too much, and I'm going to make whatever excuses I can so that I don't have to. He hasn't changed who he is now because of me or anything else thats happened, so why the hell am I changing myself because of the different fucked up situations that he's put me in.
& you want to know what because of all this I've come to the point that I probably won't ever last in a decent lovely sexual normal compassionate relationship, because I can't cope with people who don't need my help, who are actually stable I've never been blessed to be around that before in my life and I think I'm okay with that. I know that I'll be able to deal with it. I know that in my heart one day I will make a man extremely happy because I am a caring, good hearted person, and I'd do anything for someone I love in case this who entry wasn't enough to prove that. Ya know the whole tearing myself down from who I actually am because of someone else who I am forced to love.
I need to keep this co-co train moving forward on my life, and nothing, is going to slow me down.
-job check
-car check
-apt check (dec.15th)
-$$$ check (first paycheck dec.14th)
The new ashley of 2008
-2nd job
-school
-money
-living life to the fullest and never having to look back
keep on truckin lmao. jking. Its 5:30 my mind is moving about 350t89434598 hours a minute, I'm trying to amuse myself.
As far as I'm concerned my new years revolution is to never, ever, stoop low enough where I feel forced to have to take someone elses weight on my shoulders, and have to put someone else before me. & as far as I'm concerned after I move out... I don't think I will be visiting my father too much, and I'm going to make whatever excuses I can so that I don't have to. He hasn't changed who he is now because of me or anything else thats happened, so why the hell am I changing myself because of the different fucked up situations that he's put me in.
& you want to know what because of all this I've come to the point that I probably won't ever last in a decent lovely sexual normal compassionate relationship, because I can't cope with people who don't need my help, who are actually stable I've never been blessed to be around that before in my life and I think I'm okay with that. I know that I'll be able to deal with it. I know that in my heart one day I will make a man extremely happy because I am a caring, good hearted person, and I'd do anything for someone I love in case this who entry wasn't enough to prove that. Ya know the whole tearing myself down from who I actually am because of someone else who I am forced to love.
I need to keep this co-co train moving forward on my life, and nothing, is going to slow me down.
-job check
-car check
-apt check (dec.15th)
-$$$ check (first paycheck dec.14th)
The new ashley of 2008
-2nd job
-school
-money
-living life to the fullest and never having to look back
keep on truckin lmao. jking. Its 5:30 my mind is moving about 350t89434598 hours a minute, I'm trying to amuse myself.