With Bated Breath
'I am confused,' he said. 'Why do I like you like this?'
Why does he like me the way that he does? That's as good as asking why do I like him the way that I do. He feels it too, this rapidly deepening connection, this rush of energy between us; and perhaps he, like me, questions it a little because it seems too soon. I've been back in Cambridge two weeks, and before this I was away for six weeks, and before that we'd only met twice. Does any of this make sense? Do my feelings - our feelings - make sense? He went on to explain that he's 36, and so he's had some experience with women, and he doesn't usually feel so much for someone at the initial stages of getting to know this person. He explained, too, that he finds himself missing me even when he's got other things going on. He doesn't want his personal space back the way he usually does with others; he doesn't want me to leave when I am with him.
That was last night. I was too tired to finish the entry when I finally got back from his. I wanted to capture this blurry sense of perplexion mixed with excitement mixed with some genuine feelings of affection bordering on something deeper than that; all these emotions that I felt when he said that, and which I feel even when I am not with him. I don't know what it is; as I write this, I don't know what I am trying to pinpoint. The mind says that the confusion - or uncertainty, or lack of complete certainty, or something like this - arises because it is logically too soon to have these feelings. The mind tells me, too, that this insecurity that I sometimes find myself feeling - like now - and my distrust in my feelings are the logical consequence of my experiences; namely, that whirlwind romance with G. Something has got to give; this can't keep up; we will both lose interest and it is only a matter of who loses interest first; and all this have to be so because if it is so intense now, what else is there left to be explored a month or two later?
Like I said, though, I don't know what I am trying to pinpoint. What I know now is that I detest any and all manifestations of weakness from me; such as how it suddenly matters that he has been quite uncommunicative the whole day, and how it suddenly matters whether he calls or not. I am currently reduced to the caricature of the lovelorn woman, waiting by the phone for her lover to call; as if I can't pick up my phone and do the calling. Of course I can. So is this a test, then? If so, why do I do this? But if not, what am I doing?
No, the point that I really want to make is this: it seems like no matter how old I am, how smart I think I am, how rational, I can't not be insecure. There are perfectly reasonable and valid explanations for his unusual lack of communication, but I always focus on the negative and probably-improbable ones, such as he's losing interest, or he's changed his mind, but how can someone lose interest and/or change his mind in the span of 24 hours? Do I really have that little faith in my ability to keep a guy interested?
But it's not even about that. It is about how I hate feeling this way. It is about how I want to bask in the glory of a new romance and feel so enlarged and emboldened simply by being in his arms. But I don't want to feel any of the negative flipsides. I don't want to feel the insecurity. I don't want to mind, or even care, if he doesn't text. But that comes with the territory: the more I feel for someone, the more likely it is that this person will affect me in a way that I wouldn't be affected by someone else; and so it doesn't do to keep plugging my fingers into my ears, stamping my feet and saying I don't want this like a petulant child. I have to face it, and there are really only two simple choices: I close my heart and walk away; or I wear my heart on my sleeves, warts and all, and go along with the ride.
This never gets easier. It never becomes clearer how I should respond or deal with these feelings of insecurity. They will never go away, will they? It is almost not even worth talking to him about because, like I told him yesterday, I have come to realise that it is no use trying to change a person and his habits, bending him to conform to my will, trying to fit him into my conception of how a boyfriend should be (though I am not claiming that he's my boyfriend). The only logical and reasonable thing to do is to accept the person for who he is; and if he doesn't do the things that you would want him to do, it's not really the case that he's falling short as a boyfriend. Rather, it is the case that he's falling short of your imaginary standards of the perfect boyfriend. Since this person doesn't exist, and since you can only like and/or love the person whose hand you are currently holding, you can only hold him to the standards that he professes to have. You can only judge him by the things that he says he would do, and how they may be undermined by some personality flaws that prevents him from doing those things. But perhaps they may be outweighed by the other things that he does, such as not (quite yet) cancelling on plans, even vague, tentative ones.
This thing with Bruno. It feels like it is approaching G levels of intensity. I think it is safe to say that I am fucking scared.
*
On another note, I made a bit of progress with the PhD in terms of revising the third part of Chapter 2. But I didn't do as much work as I'd wanted to, primarily because I stupidly left my USB stick where all my work is stored in one of the computers at the law faculty on Monday, and I only discovered this in the afternoon when I was getting ready to go to the college library. As such, I had to walk to the law faculty which took so much time, and so I didn't get that much done.
This week has been so unproductive, too. Mondays are usually non-working days because French class is 1-3 which takes up the first hour of my most productive four hours (2-6pm), and by the time I am back in college, it is 4pm and I am not really in the mood. This Monday, I went to the faculty for Raffie's presentation at 5pm, so I didn't get much done. Yesterday was just spent doing stupid things, but at least I finally joined the Cambridge Lawn Tennis Club. Today I was at least productive in the gym, I guess. And tomorrow? I have to get ready the final bits of stuff for the Chinese New Year formal dinner on Friday which I am organising.
Being in charge of a relatively high profile event is quite stressful. I am stressed out already thinking about Friday. I need to get all the things ready by tomorrow night so that I can put everything in place on Friday. I hope that setting up at 5.30pm is not too late; otherwise, I am going to be so stressed out.
Why does he like me the way that he does? That's as good as asking why do I like him the way that I do. He feels it too, this rapidly deepening connection, this rush of energy between us; and perhaps he, like me, questions it a little because it seems too soon. I've been back in Cambridge two weeks, and before this I was away for six weeks, and before that we'd only met twice. Does any of this make sense? Do my feelings - our feelings - make sense? He went on to explain that he's 36, and so he's had some experience with women, and he doesn't usually feel so much for someone at the initial stages of getting to know this person. He explained, too, that he finds himself missing me even when he's got other things going on. He doesn't want his personal space back the way he usually does with others; he doesn't want me to leave when I am with him.
That was last night. I was too tired to finish the entry when I finally got back from his. I wanted to capture this blurry sense of perplexion mixed with excitement mixed with some genuine feelings of affection bordering on something deeper than that; all these emotions that I felt when he said that, and which I feel even when I am not with him. I don't know what it is; as I write this, I don't know what I am trying to pinpoint. The mind says that the confusion - or uncertainty, or lack of complete certainty, or something like this - arises because it is logically too soon to have these feelings. The mind tells me, too, that this insecurity that I sometimes find myself feeling - like now - and my distrust in my feelings are the logical consequence of my experiences; namely, that whirlwind romance with G. Something has got to give; this can't keep up; we will both lose interest and it is only a matter of who loses interest first; and all this have to be so because if it is so intense now, what else is there left to be explored a month or two later?
Like I said, though, I don't know what I am trying to pinpoint. What I know now is that I detest any and all manifestations of weakness from me; such as how it suddenly matters that he has been quite uncommunicative the whole day, and how it suddenly matters whether he calls or not. I am currently reduced to the caricature of the lovelorn woman, waiting by the phone for her lover to call; as if I can't pick up my phone and do the calling. Of course I can. So is this a test, then? If so, why do I do this? But if not, what am I doing?
No, the point that I really want to make is this: it seems like no matter how old I am, how smart I think I am, how rational, I can't not be insecure. There are perfectly reasonable and valid explanations for his unusual lack of communication, but I always focus on the negative and probably-improbable ones, such as he's losing interest, or he's changed his mind, but how can someone lose interest and/or change his mind in the span of 24 hours? Do I really have that little faith in my ability to keep a guy interested?
But it's not even about that. It is about how I hate feeling this way. It is about how I want to bask in the glory of a new romance and feel so enlarged and emboldened simply by being in his arms. But I don't want to feel any of the negative flipsides. I don't want to feel the insecurity. I don't want to mind, or even care, if he doesn't text. But that comes with the territory: the more I feel for someone, the more likely it is that this person will affect me in a way that I wouldn't be affected by someone else; and so it doesn't do to keep plugging my fingers into my ears, stamping my feet and saying I don't want this like a petulant child. I have to face it, and there are really only two simple choices: I close my heart and walk away; or I wear my heart on my sleeves, warts and all, and go along with the ride.
This never gets easier. It never becomes clearer how I should respond or deal with these feelings of insecurity. They will never go away, will they? It is almost not even worth talking to him about because, like I told him yesterday, I have come to realise that it is no use trying to change a person and his habits, bending him to conform to my will, trying to fit him into my conception of how a boyfriend should be (though I am not claiming that he's my boyfriend). The only logical and reasonable thing to do is to accept the person for who he is; and if he doesn't do the things that you would want him to do, it's not really the case that he's falling short as a boyfriend. Rather, it is the case that he's falling short of your imaginary standards of the perfect boyfriend. Since this person doesn't exist, and since you can only like and/or love the person whose hand you are currently holding, you can only hold him to the standards that he professes to have. You can only judge him by the things that he says he would do, and how they may be undermined by some personality flaws that prevents him from doing those things. But perhaps they may be outweighed by the other things that he does, such as not (quite yet) cancelling on plans, even vague, tentative ones.
This thing with Bruno. It feels like it is approaching G levels of intensity. I think it is safe to say that I am fucking scared.
*
On another note, I made a bit of progress with the PhD in terms of revising the third part of Chapter 2. But I didn't do as much work as I'd wanted to, primarily because I stupidly left my USB stick where all my work is stored in one of the computers at the law faculty on Monday, and I only discovered this in the afternoon when I was getting ready to go to the college library. As such, I had to walk to the law faculty which took so much time, and so I didn't get that much done.
This week has been so unproductive, too. Mondays are usually non-working days because French class is 1-3 which takes up the first hour of my most productive four hours (2-6pm), and by the time I am back in college, it is 4pm and I am not really in the mood. This Monday, I went to the faculty for Raffie's presentation at 5pm, so I didn't get much done. Yesterday was just spent doing stupid things, but at least I finally joined the Cambridge Lawn Tennis Club. Today I was at least productive in the gym, I guess. And tomorrow? I have to get ready the final bits of stuff for the Chinese New Year formal dinner on Friday which I am organising.
Being in charge of a relatively high profile event is quite stressful. I am stressed out already thinking about Friday. I need to get all the things ready by tomorrow night so that I can put everything in place on Friday. I hope that setting up at 5.30pm is not too late; otherwise, I am going to be so stressed out.