(no subject)
The point of the previous friends-only entry was also: Sometimes I think that I like the chase more than the actual event. I like the initial stages of getting to know the other person, of anticipation, the cat-and-mouse game, of revealing just enough to keep the other person interested. If it is this thrill that I seek, does it not mean that I will never really be content to settle down?
At the same time, I am tired of the constant instability and uncertainty, the not having an assured presence of someone in my life, the emotional investment in something that I thought I wanted to last but which eventually ends, and then starting the cycle all over again. I still like the chase, but I want to be rewarded in a meaningful, lasting way.
Still, it is also plausible that I think that I want this - this stability - because it is the grass on the other side. Isn't it true that we always want what we can't, or don't, have? Does't that sum up my entire fixation with G? Now that I'm over the fixation, I no longer know what I was so hung up on. At the heart of the matter is still an unchanged fear that I will never really be happy.
*
I think Dominic and I fit quite well in a sense. He doesn't like clingy girls or girls that want to do everything together. I don't like clingy guys and guys that want to do everything together. I like my freedom, he likes his freedom. We both agreed last night that keeping some distance is good, so that I wouldn't get bored too quickly, and for him, so that he can still have his space. Isn't that great?
There is a catch. I don't know what it is yet. I feel it brewing in me. Ah, if only I could be truly rational and not pretend-rational. I genuinely don't think that it's in my nature to be rational; I'm too emotional, too over-analysing, just too indulgent in my stupid feelings and crappy thoughts. How am I even doing a PhD in Cambridge? It is really quite a joke.
*
I am going to shower for real now. I wanted to go for a run tomorrow morning before meeting Dominic for lunch but the weather forecast says it will rain. How lovely, isn't it? Bleah.
At the same time, I am tired of the constant instability and uncertainty, the not having an assured presence of someone in my life, the emotional investment in something that I thought I wanted to last but which eventually ends, and then starting the cycle all over again. I still like the chase, but I want to be rewarded in a meaningful, lasting way.
Still, it is also plausible that I think that I want this - this stability - because it is the grass on the other side. Isn't it true that we always want what we can't, or don't, have? Does't that sum up my entire fixation with G? Now that I'm over the fixation, I no longer know what I was so hung up on. At the heart of the matter is still an unchanged fear that I will never really be happy.
*
I think Dominic and I fit quite well in a sense. He doesn't like clingy girls or girls that want to do everything together. I don't like clingy guys and guys that want to do everything together. I like my freedom, he likes his freedom. We both agreed last night that keeping some distance is good, so that I wouldn't get bored too quickly, and for him, so that he can still have his space. Isn't that great?
There is a catch. I don't know what it is yet. I feel it brewing in me. Ah, if only I could be truly rational and not pretend-rational. I genuinely don't think that it's in my nature to be rational; I'm too emotional, too over-analysing, just too indulgent in my stupid feelings and crappy thoughts. How am I even doing a PhD in Cambridge? It is really quite a joke.
*
I am going to shower for real now. I wanted to go for a run tomorrow morning before meeting Dominic for lunch but the weather forecast says it will rain. How lovely, isn't it? Bleah.