Here I go again...
Argh!
I still can't cope. In fact everything seems to just be getting harder and harder. I thought with getting some of the uni work out of the way I would be able to relax, but it hasn't seemed to work like that.
Being ill the last few days, on top of all the usual aches and pains, problems and lack of sleep, has made it tough. You'd think that would inspire someone who cares about you to do something... to try harder... anything. But no... no such luck. I'm still expected to work everything out, remember everything, organise him, tell him what to do.
I wish for once that I could just relax, be able to believe that everything will be alright without my attention for a while.. but unless I'm on my own that's not the case, and it kinda ruins the point, still having to look after myself.
It's expected of me. All he has to do is just wait around and I'll solve everything. No need to think ahead, if anything fucks up she'll work it out.
I sound like I'm just whinging and that I need to grow up don't I?
I agree... I absolutely hate the way that I have become lately. I was doing so well, getting my confidence up, looking after myself better, becoming more independant... and now I'm just short-tempered, impatient and no fun to be around... hell I hate having to be around me a lot of the time.
People don't see what it's like behind closed doors though, and me being me, inarticulate as hell, I can't explain it.
It's unfair.. to be punished for trying to look after yourself and your things. To have someone use you, take all of their frustrations at themselves out on you, treat you like you come last in their list of priorities.
I get that I'm not easy to deal with... but I was... I was before all of the hurt that he's caused me. Before he used me, treated me so selfishly... and I foolishly still try to just let things go. Think that maybe I need to just give him that extra chance, just ask like he hasn't told me I'm worth nothing to him, to believe that all he needs is that one bit of encouragement and he'll treat me like he used to... or at least like I matter. But it never works. And I'm beginning to think "Why should I?" Why should I be the first one to try? Why should it be me who puts myself out there first. If he truly means his sorries, and I understands, and the I don't do that agains... then usrely he should be fighting for me, for the relationship... surely he should grow up and take responsibility for his actions, for the pain that he's caused, and try to put things right.
And there I go blank again. The pain in my side is insane. And it's not even the side that usually hurts and twitches... my body hates me, and I don't blame it.
I need sleep.
Blah...
Too much pain, can't think.
I still can't cope. In fact everything seems to just be getting harder and harder. I thought with getting some of the uni work out of the way I would be able to relax, but it hasn't seemed to work like that.
Being ill the last few days, on top of all the usual aches and pains, problems and lack of sleep, has made it tough. You'd think that would inspire someone who cares about you to do something... to try harder... anything. But no... no such luck. I'm still expected to work everything out, remember everything, organise him, tell him what to do.
I wish for once that I could just relax, be able to believe that everything will be alright without my attention for a while.. but unless I'm on my own that's not the case, and it kinda ruins the point, still having to look after myself.
It's expected of me. All he has to do is just wait around and I'll solve everything. No need to think ahead, if anything fucks up she'll work it out.
I sound like I'm just whinging and that I need to grow up don't I?
I agree... I absolutely hate the way that I have become lately. I was doing so well, getting my confidence up, looking after myself better, becoming more independant... and now I'm just short-tempered, impatient and no fun to be around... hell I hate having to be around me a lot of the time.
People don't see what it's like behind closed doors though, and me being me, inarticulate as hell, I can't explain it.
It's unfair.. to be punished for trying to look after yourself and your things. To have someone use you, take all of their frustrations at themselves out on you, treat you like you come last in their list of priorities.
I get that I'm not easy to deal with... but I was... I was before all of the hurt that he's caused me. Before he used me, treated me so selfishly... and I foolishly still try to just let things go. Think that maybe I need to just give him that extra chance, just ask like he hasn't told me I'm worth nothing to him, to believe that all he needs is that one bit of encouragement and he'll treat me like he used to... or at least like I matter. But it never works. And I'm beginning to think "Why should I?" Why should I be the first one to try? Why should it be me who puts myself out there first. If he truly means his sorries, and I understands, and the I don't do that agains... then usrely he should be fighting for me, for the relationship... surely he should grow up and take responsibility for his actions, for the pain that he's caused, and try to put things right.
And there I go blank again. The pain in my side is insane. And it's not even the side that usually hurts and twitches... my body hates me, and I don't blame it.
I need sleep.
Blah...
Too much pain, can't think.