...
I’m not sure why I’m writing this, especially to here, but I don’t really have anyone to talk to and I need some way to let some of these feelings out.
I feel like I am about to just completely break down if things keep on the way they are. I feel exhausted, drained, lost… Like I can’t see an end to this. Like this is how my life is just fated to be. That I’m never going to be appreciated for what I do, whether that be academically or in a relationship… which seems to be even less likely than the former.
I really hoped that things were going to change, that they had started to change… that the second year of the degree couldn’t possibly be as bad as the first year… I feel so stupid that I thought that. That I’ve put so much effort and caring into this year, and got nothing in return, apart from a whole bunch of lecturers laughing at me and being mocked for all of my hard work, and from the other students too. I’m vilified for being able to do the work, derided and seen as a source of amusement to the people who mark my work. The whole place is a joke, ...beyond a joke even. It’s fucked up. I put so much effort into being a rep, just to end up getting all of the lecturers annoyance at the students concentrated towards me, to find out that all the work I have been doing has gone ignored, and that they are unwilling to do any fucking thing about all of the problems within the university.
Group work is driving me insane… my own inability not to stress and worry about things is causing me to get ill, scarily ill, even compared to my normal state. Just thinking about all of the work that needs to be done, and how it depends on people, some of whom are trying to do as little as they possibly can. My degree mark relies on them doing their work. It’s so frustrating. Why on earth we need to do 3 lots of group work in one semester I will never know. We have so much work this semester, a lot more than any other semester, and they seem to have no clue of what they are asking of us.
Then there’s my relationship… thinking of it like that almost sounds laughable sometimes.
I don’t know what to do. It’s hurting me so much, I feel broken…
I want to be with him… but I can’t keep feeling like this. I want things to be how they were, how they were promised to me, to feel special, if only once in a while .. I am seriously beginning to wonder if I deserve that.
Do I?
All of my past relationships, they are all pretty much the same… men treating me like I am pretty much worthless. Showing me over and over again that I come last in their priorities. Sex is all well and good, they are more than happy that I wanted it so much, and when they wanted it we had it… it’s not to do with what I want, the only concern is for themselves. But, is there really any surprise that I wanted it all the time.. it was the only time I get that kind of attention, where I felt like they were concentrating on me. It’s like that now too. Through sex I get his full attention, and consideration, like how I feel means something. Hell, I’m sat here crying thinking about those feelings. What it would be like to feel like someone would do something for me, that their happiness depends on my happiness, that someone wants to try to make me happy.
I remember I was happy at the start of the relationship. I remember all the wonderful things he used to say, I remember looking into his eyes, and him looking into mine, and feeling that he loved me. I don’t see that any more.
I don’t know what happened.
I don’t know why, or even when, he stopped caring about me.
How can you say you love someone and yet not feel more than the very slightest twinge when they are hurting, or are at breaking point. Hell, even when I got to almost literally breaking, trying to hurt myself, he still couldn’t feel for me.
I’m not sure I’ve even dealt with hearing him say that, telling me that he loves me but doesn’t care about me. How _do_ you deal with that?
How does someone go from being head over heels in love to not caring?
I know I’m not being the most loving girlfriend… in fact I must be fairly hard to live with right now, but how do I keep giving and giving and being loving and happy and glad to see him, caring about him, being interested, when I get nothing like that back in return.
I don’t know what else to say… I’ve been sat here for an hour, just reading through, and staring at the screen… I can’t think... I actually physically can’t think…..
I feel like I am about to just completely break down if things keep on the way they are. I feel exhausted, drained, lost… Like I can’t see an end to this. Like this is how my life is just fated to be. That I’m never going to be appreciated for what I do, whether that be academically or in a relationship… which seems to be even less likely than the former.
I really hoped that things were going to change, that they had started to change… that the second year of the degree couldn’t possibly be as bad as the first year… I feel so stupid that I thought that. That I’ve put so much effort and caring into this year, and got nothing in return, apart from a whole bunch of lecturers laughing at me and being mocked for all of my hard work, and from the other students too. I’m vilified for being able to do the work, derided and seen as a source of amusement to the people who mark my work. The whole place is a joke, ...beyond a joke even. It’s fucked up. I put so much effort into being a rep, just to end up getting all of the lecturers annoyance at the students concentrated towards me, to find out that all the work I have been doing has gone ignored, and that they are unwilling to do any fucking thing about all of the problems within the university.
Group work is driving me insane… my own inability not to stress and worry about things is causing me to get ill, scarily ill, even compared to my normal state. Just thinking about all of the work that needs to be done, and how it depends on people, some of whom are trying to do as little as they possibly can. My degree mark relies on them doing their work. It’s so frustrating. Why on earth we need to do 3 lots of group work in one semester I will never know. We have so much work this semester, a lot more than any other semester, and they seem to have no clue of what they are asking of us.
Then there’s my relationship… thinking of it like that almost sounds laughable sometimes.
I don’t know what to do. It’s hurting me so much, I feel broken…
I want to be with him… but I can’t keep feeling like this. I want things to be how they were, how they were promised to me, to feel special, if only once in a while .. I am seriously beginning to wonder if I deserve that.
Do I?
All of my past relationships, they are all pretty much the same… men treating me like I am pretty much worthless. Showing me over and over again that I come last in their priorities. Sex is all well and good, they are more than happy that I wanted it so much, and when they wanted it we had it… it’s not to do with what I want, the only concern is for themselves. But, is there really any surprise that I wanted it all the time.. it was the only time I get that kind of attention, where I felt like they were concentrating on me. It’s like that now too. Through sex I get his full attention, and consideration, like how I feel means something. Hell, I’m sat here crying thinking about those feelings. What it would be like to feel like someone would do something for me, that their happiness depends on my happiness, that someone wants to try to make me happy.
I remember I was happy at the start of the relationship. I remember all the wonderful things he used to say, I remember looking into his eyes, and him looking into mine, and feeling that he loved me. I don’t see that any more.
I don’t know what happened.
I don’t know why, or even when, he stopped caring about me.
How can you say you love someone and yet not feel more than the very slightest twinge when they are hurting, or are at breaking point. Hell, even when I got to almost literally breaking, trying to hurt myself, he still couldn’t feel for me.
I’m not sure I’ve even dealt with hearing him say that, telling me that he loves me but doesn’t care about me. How _do_ you deal with that?
How does someone go from being head over heels in love to not caring?
I know I’m not being the most loving girlfriend… in fact I must be fairly hard to live with right now, but how do I keep giving and giving and being loving and happy and glad to see him, caring about him, being interested, when I get nothing like that back in return.
I don’t know what else to say… I’ve been sat here for an hour, just reading through, and staring at the screen… I can’t think... I actually physically can’t think…..