Blue Christmas
So, that was my Christmas.
Flight home was almost disastrous, thank you United Airlines switching airline services last minute two days before Christmas, i.e. when there are 5 metric tons of people everywhere. But whatever. 12 hours and 3 flights later I got home and that was great. Got in too late to see my grandmother, had minor friend drama (schedules?) and a joyous family reunion. Then I slept. Until I woke up at 5:30 a.m. on Christmas Eve and began a puke fest that recurred about every or every other hour until the next day. :( Slight fever. Misery.
Christmas Eve is when my family opens presents and has our little 'thing.' And because of my sudden illness I couldn't be around my grandmother bc of her cancer, I was quarantined. More on that later.
So while my family laughs and the healthy ones intermittently pop in to check on me, I sit on my bed bemoaning my existence, until someone finds a face mask for me. I sat on the other end of the room from grandmother and weakly, but happily, opened gifts. At the end of the night I couldn't even hug my grandparents goodbye. And I wanted to so badly.
Because this will probably be her last Christmas. And I'm still trying to come to grips with that.
Apparently in the last few weeks, even days, her condition, demeanour everything has gone downhill. She just hasn't had enough time to recouperate before the cancer came back. She can hardly walk to the front door without getting completely winded. She doesn't talk much. She's constantly freezing. And because of The Great Oklahoma Blizzard of '09 I haven't even been able to get out to see her hardly at all.
She had a doctor's appointment this afternoon to see if her bloodwork was okay enough to clear her for the next round of Chemo. The bloodwork was ok, apparently, but the doctor wouldn't clear her for chemo. It was a temporary physician as hers is on holiday at the moment. Mom said she couldn't ask the questions she wanted because she couldn't get the doctor alone. She said she'd been reading about patients and their stages. She says it seems like my grandmother is in the "final stages." As in weeks.
...weeks? Like, 4 weeks. As in a month?? ...I can't even..I mean I can barely even comprehend what that means. But she can't really be sure until the doctor tells us. He's ordered a scan for her on Monday and they'll know how the cancer has reacted by about Friday. But I leave this Thursday back to Oakland. And I don't know what to do. And mom forgot to film Christmas. And I just feel numb and don't know what to do.
Will it really be a month?? Really?? I'm just stunned. I've never had to experience a loss like this before. I'm not ready to start thinking about...things. It's just absurd. How can a person, a laughing, thinking, moving, conscious, loving person, my memaw, just stop existing??? Not be here??
I'm just going to stop here before my tears short out this laptop.
Be so thankful for the ones you have.