The Things: an Introduction
So for those of you who don't know, I'm spending about 98% of my time living with my boyfriend and his 6 kids. I decided rather than confuse you all with names etc, I'll refer to them by nicknames. Before when I've asked the two youngest girls what I should call them, they've been keen on Thing 1 and Thing 2 - after the two creatures in the Cat in the Hat. Also, since the only way to keep track of them when out and about is to count heads, I'll be referring to then as Things 1-6. And the boyfriend is generally referred to as le bloke...
Le bloke: Boyfriend. 33 years old. Very hairy. Half deaf. Front tooth missing from being attacked about 10 years ago. I found out after falling madly for him that he is actually notorious for being a bit hard among people our age. This does not reconcile with the person I know at all. He takes care of me, lets me change things around in his house and at least once a day will look at me with big dopey eyes and tell me he loves me because of something daft I've done (the last time is was because I told one of the kids not to be ridiculous; yogurts are perfectly edible when out of date). Encourages me to exercise and watches me do weights whilst telling me how awesome I am. He tells me I'm awesome a lot. I don't often believe him, but I love him.
Thing 1: 12 year old boy, in second year at the local "academy," prefers to spend his time playing Playstation or at Army Cadets. Likes to think of himself as more of an adult than a child. Prone to being exceptionally lazy and often lies about having done things even when evidence to the contrary is staring us all in the face. Does a lot of work around the house; vacuums and mops the whole house at least three times a week. Often makes stupid mistakes due to lack of thinking rather than actual stupidity. Is getting on a lot better at school this year and seems more enthusiastic about learning. Makes the best cheese on toast in the world. Apparently slightly doomed by having spent most time with his mother, and by her moving him between primary schools several times until she left.
Thing 2: 11 year old boy, just started his first year at big school with his older brother. When I first met him he was very quiet and shy but over the summer he's been doing weights sessions with his dad and I, and now has a lot more confidence. Dyslexic and Dyspraxic, but more than makes up for this with dogged determination. Once he sets his mind on something, he will get his head down and work hard until he achieves it. Jumps at the chance to read library books and often reads out loud to me or his dad; is improving lots in this. Often uses the phonics pictures I put on the wall to help him with reading and spelling. Despite getting a little gobby lately, he's still the quiet, hippie-ish one of the 6 and seems to spend a lot of his time in a dream world.
Thing 3: 10 year old girl, in her last year at primary school. Wants to take her 11+ exam but gives up at the first sign of anything that could question her self-image as The Clever One. Has adopted the role of helper at home and takes responsibility for dressing her younger sisters for school and generally looks out for them. Drama queen who often storms off screaming. Runs away to her nans with alarming regularity lately. Likes to think that by helping the adults she is one by proxy, and does not take kindly to then being treated the same as the other children. Is however very helpful with getting the girls ready to go out, cleans up around the house when told to and makes a good spy - she loves to tell tales! Apparently very similar to both Thing 1 and their mother. Makes the best bacon and eggs in the world and will make them whenever requested.
Thing 4: 6 year old boy, in Year 2 at primary school, turns 7 tomorrow. I rarely admit that he is my favourite. Typical naughty little boy with a cute cheeky grin; reminds me a lot of my brother at that age. Loses his shoes, school sweater, socks etc on a regular basis. Has to be reminded to change his pants every morning but strangely does not lie when he has not changed them; just pretends not to have heard/understood the question. Excellent at reading and, though he pretends not to enjoy doing geeky things, loves to read to me or his dad, and to get stickers and rewards for doing well with worksheets etc. Often draws me pictures saying "I <3 Vicky" on them and likes to show me other things he has drawn. I nickname him Eeyore because he's generally pretty miserable and glum. Recently lost a front tooth when playing tug of war with Thing 2 by way of a belt held between his teeth. Totally not bothered by the fact he has a gap in his teeth, and 3 more wobbly teeth. The one time I've ever had to punish him, I put him in his bedroom for 5 minutes, after which he came out and apologised for being naughty. Has the best laugh I have ever heard.
Thing 5: 5 year old girl, in Year 1 at primary school. Often to be found running about the house in her underwear. Loves to bounce on the trampoline; awesome at cleaning whatever you decide to put her in front of. Usually behaves best when away from her siblings. Prone to whiney tantrums over nothing much, and will stare at you insolently when told off if the mood takes her. Often shouts at me, "it's not *your* house!" when I tell her not to do something but when I explain to her that she's been unkind and hurt my feelings she'll apologise without being prompted. Has taken lately to screaming a lot for no good reason. Has a large unsightly bruise on her face from play-fighting with Thing 1, just in time to return to school this week. Able to remember dance moves from music videos she's only seen once or twice. Very similar to Thing 2 in her "away with the faries" general demeanour. Beautiful big brown eyes like a Disney character. Loves to cuddle people but shy around men she doesn't know.
Thing 6: 4 year old girl, super excited to go to school in Reception class. Most evenings the last thing you hear from her is "Dad, is there school in the morning?!" Very intelligent and verbose. Has a much larger vocabulary, and speaks much more clearly, than most 4 year olds. Will chat to anyone and usually go on to invite herself to their house. Attaches herself to people and loves to be carried, hugged, hold hands etc. Knows full well that she is super-cute with her blonde hair and glasses and uses this to her advantage. If she thinks she might get in trouble she's been known to say in a quiet voice, "love you Vicky!" Cottons on very quickly if something she's said or done has made people coo or laugh and then repeats it several times. Almost inseparable from Thing 5 and feels a little lost without her. Gets immeasurable joy from a library book called Don't Put Your Finger in the Jelly Nelly!
The mother: Moved out but had the children often until November when she disappeared off the face of the planet. Turned out she'd moved to Yorkshire with her new boyfriend and since then has not sent Christmas or birthday cards to any of the children. Apparently very artistic and talented when she put her mind to it. The kids probably miss her a lot more than they let on.
Other important characters:
Hercules - the dog, old pure-bred American bull dog. Dopey as shit, not a terribly useful guard dog as he would likely just drown any unwanted visitors in his slobber.
The chickens and cockerel - cockerel hates me and attacks me often. Chickens make too much noise.
The ducks - two of them, loose in the back garden. They have the whole garden to roam, but they always shit right outside the front door.
Kitty - the cat. Very old; always has her tongue stuck out as she has no teeth left to hold it in. Usually only seen at lunch time.
The snakes - I think there are about 4 or 5 of them. I steer clear and pretend to myself that the tanks are empty.
The fish - there are fuckloads: in a pond, in 2 large tanks outside and 2 glass tanks inside. Le bloke breeds goldfish and is obsessed with koi carp. I think he intends to breed the koi next season too, so that's something to look forward to.
The sister - she lives next door. Has never said more than 2 words to me.
So that's them: my new ready-made family. Expect to hear a lot more about them. Unless I give up and run away screaming, which is always a very real possibility.
Le bloke: Boyfriend. 33 years old. Very hairy. Half deaf. Front tooth missing from being attacked about 10 years ago. I found out after falling madly for him that he is actually notorious for being a bit hard among people our age. This does not reconcile with the person I know at all. He takes care of me, lets me change things around in his house and at least once a day will look at me with big dopey eyes and tell me he loves me because of something daft I've done (the last time is was because I told one of the kids not to be ridiculous; yogurts are perfectly edible when out of date). Encourages me to exercise and watches me do weights whilst telling me how awesome I am. He tells me I'm awesome a lot. I don't often believe him, but I love him.
Thing 1: 12 year old boy, in second year at the local "academy," prefers to spend his time playing Playstation or at Army Cadets. Likes to think of himself as more of an adult than a child. Prone to being exceptionally lazy and often lies about having done things even when evidence to the contrary is staring us all in the face. Does a lot of work around the house; vacuums and mops the whole house at least three times a week. Often makes stupid mistakes due to lack of thinking rather than actual stupidity. Is getting on a lot better at school this year and seems more enthusiastic about learning. Makes the best cheese on toast in the world. Apparently slightly doomed by having spent most time with his mother, and by her moving him between primary schools several times until she left.
Thing 2: 11 year old boy, just started his first year at big school with his older brother. When I first met him he was very quiet and shy but over the summer he's been doing weights sessions with his dad and I, and now has a lot more confidence. Dyslexic and Dyspraxic, but more than makes up for this with dogged determination. Once he sets his mind on something, he will get his head down and work hard until he achieves it. Jumps at the chance to read library books and often reads out loud to me or his dad; is improving lots in this. Often uses the phonics pictures I put on the wall to help him with reading and spelling. Despite getting a little gobby lately, he's still the quiet, hippie-ish one of the 6 and seems to spend a lot of his time in a dream world.
Thing 3: 10 year old girl, in her last year at primary school. Wants to take her 11+ exam but gives up at the first sign of anything that could question her self-image as The Clever One. Has adopted the role of helper at home and takes responsibility for dressing her younger sisters for school and generally looks out for them. Drama queen who often storms off screaming. Runs away to her nans with alarming regularity lately. Likes to think that by helping the adults she is one by proxy, and does not take kindly to then being treated the same as the other children. Is however very helpful with getting the girls ready to go out, cleans up around the house when told to and makes a good spy - she loves to tell tales! Apparently very similar to both Thing 1 and their mother. Makes the best bacon and eggs in the world and will make them whenever requested.
Thing 4: 6 year old boy, in Year 2 at primary school, turns 7 tomorrow. I rarely admit that he is my favourite. Typical naughty little boy with a cute cheeky grin; reminds me a lot of my brother at that age. Loses his shoes, school sweater, socks etc on a regular basis. Has to be reminded to change his pants every morning but strangely does not lie when he has not changed them; just pretends not to have heard/understood the question. Excellent at reading and, though he pretends not to enjoy doing geeky things, loves to read to me or his dad, and to get stickers and rewards for doing well with worksheets etc. Often draws me pictures saying "I <3 Vicky" on them and likes to show me other things he has drawn. I nickname him Eeyore because he's generally pretty miserable and glum. Recently lost a front tooth when playing tug of war with Thing 2 by way of a belt held between his teeth. Totally not bothered by the fact he has a gap in his teeth, and 3 more wobbly teeth. The one time I've ever had to punish him, I put him in his bedroom for 5 minutes, after which he came out and apologised for being naughty. Has the best laugh I have ever heard.
Thing 5: 5 year old girl, in Year 1 at primary school. Often to be found running about the house in her underwear. Loves to bounce on the trampoline; awesome at cleaning whatever you decide to put her in front of. Usually behaves best when away from her siblings. Prone to whiney tantrums over nothing much, and will stare at you insolently when told off if the mood takes her. Often shouts at me, "it's not *your* house!" when I tell her not to do something but when I explain to her that she's been unkind and hurt my feelings she'll apologise without being prompted. Has taken lately to screaming a lot for no good reason. Has a large unsightly bruise on her face from play-fighting with Thing 1, just in time to return to school this week. Able to remember dance moves from music videos she's only seen once or twice. Very similar to Thing 2 in her "away with the faries" general demeanour. Beautiful big brown eyes like a Disney character. Loves to cuddle people but shy around men she doesn't know.
Thing 6: 4 year old girl, super excited to go to school in Reception class. Most evenings the last thing you hear from her is "Dad, is there school in the morning?!" Very intelligent and verbose. Has a much larger vocabulary, and speaks much more clearly, than most 4 year olds. Will chat to anyone and usually go on to invite herself to their house. Attaches herself to people and loves to be carried, hugged, hold hands etc. Knows full well that she is super-cute with her blonde hair and glasses and uses this to her advantage. If she thinks she might get in trouble she's been known to say in a quiet voice, "love you Vicky!" Cottons on very quickly if something she's said or done has made people coo or laugh and then repeats it several times. Almost inseparable from Thing 5 and feels a little lost without her. Gets immeasurable joy from a library book called Don't Put Your Finger in the Jelly Nelly!
The mother: Moved out but had the children often until November when she disappeared off the face of the planet. Turned out she'd moved to Yorkshire with her new boyfriend and since then has not sent Christmas or birthday cards to any of the children. Apparently very artistic and talented when she put her mind to it. The kids probably miss her a lot more than they let on.
Other important characters:
Hercules - the dog, old pure-bred American bull dog. Dopey as shit, not a terribly useful guard dog as he would likely just drown any unwanted visitors in his slobber.
The chickens and cockerel - cockerel hates me and attacks me often. Chickens make too much noise.
The ducks - two of them, loose in the back garden. They have the whole garden to roam, but they always shit right outside the front door.
Kitty - the cat. Very old; always has her tongue stuck out as she has no teeth left to hold it in. Usually only seen at lunch time.
The snakes - I think there are about 4 or 5 of them. I steer clear and pretend to myself that the tanks are empty.
The fish - there are fuckloads: in a pond, in 2 large tanks outside and 2 glass tanks inside. Le bloke breeds goldfish and is obsessed with koi carp. I think he intends to breed the koi next season too, so that's something to look forward to.
The sister - she lives next door. Has never said more than 2 words to me.
So that's them: my new ready-made family. Expect to hear a lot more about them. Unless I give up and run away screaming, which is always a very real possibility.