Fic: The Odyssey, xxxv. live
--
“After two months on Earth
you went to New Vulcan.
Why?”
“I questioned whether
I desired to stay,
Jim.”
Silence.
“Starfleet no longer
upheld the values
I hold sacred.
To order us to
hunt individuals
without trial or listening
to their crimes and fears.
To command us to
launch photon torpedoes
commit an act of war
that would be without peer.
To demote you from
captain of Enterprise
to maintain face
and righteous veneer.
To coerce another
person on waking
to build weapons,
threatening those they hold dear.
To execute us
for following orders,
then write off the deaths
as punishing mutineers.
To refuse to give
us any assistance
while we were fighting
within Earth’s orbital sphere.
To support the orders
to promote an admiral
who made Starfleet an army
to personally commandeer.
To banish us, hoping,
on our five year mission,
we would come back broken,
perhaps disappear.
I never agreed.
When I enlisted in Starfleet,
I did not give them the right
to compromise me.
My service is bound
to my ethical standards.
Starfleet broke them
repeatedly.
Vulcan principles are
the center of Starfleet.
Our tradition of spaceflight
is older than Earth’s.
The Prime Directive,
exploration, IDIC, First Contact,
to me are my values--
to me they have worth.
Else you will have those
who would crush other life forms,
bent on colonizing
every galaxy.
Else you will have those
who think war their birthright,
because they happen to have
some technology.
Else you will have
a cold man like Marcus
starting a war
preemptively.
For this, I left.
I will not live
to do what is wrong.
It may be
I cannot do what is right.
But I will not purposely seek
to do what is wrong.
No one has the right
to ask that of anyone.”
Silence.
“Why did you come back?”
Quiet.
“You left me a holo
asking me to return.
You detailed our mission,
our command team.
You said you would like
to see me in person
before the ceremony
rechristening.
I had not decided
whether to stay
until you spoke
your words of grief.”
Silence.
“Captain?”
Blue eyes.
“They all told me
they’d only come back
to go on this mission
if you were there, too.
Nyota, Scotty, Chekhov, Sulu--
half the command team
and a third of the crew.
I think they saw
who I am under orders,
how quickly I put
their lives on the line.
I think they saw
how you always tell me
when you disagree,
how often you’re right.”
Silence.
“When I called, I was bluffing.
I thought I would lose you.
I thought I’d lose everything,
even after I’d died.
I put us in
that nightmare without thinking--
I made a mistake,
I paid with my life.
If I lost you and the ship,
twice within living,
I don’t know what I’d do.
That’s why I tried
to say something,
anything,
worth five years of living
with me in the chair
and you by my side.”
Silence.
“Jim
I could forgive Starfleet many things.
Even through the ordeal
I might have returned.
But
To cost the lifeblood
of one I hold precious--
I could not forgive.
I could not return.
Jim
I cannot live to witness
your hands falling limp,
your eyes once again.
We have witnessed death,
we have seen destruction.
My mother disappeared
before my own eyes
but Jim--
to witness your dying moment
I could not endure
not one more time.
The answer you presented
asked me to live
asked me to come back
despite grief inside.
The message you spoke
asked us to try
to restore our wonder
to rebuild, revive.
That is the only
reason I came back
the reason I trust you
the reason I cried.”
Silence.
“Bones told me
when you were in the volcano
if I were there
you would let me die.
Nyota told me
how you went after Khan
with intent to kill--
pay a life with a life.”
“At one point
I attacked Khan psionically.
Brought forward memories
he never wanted to have
never wanted replayed
I cannot hate him.
I would not wish to remember
his blood-ridden past.”
“I know you put him to sleep again
that you got his blood with his consent
that you put him back in space again
somewhere hidden, alive.
The Admiralty was furious
they wanted at least to harvest the blood
as a miracle serum to save lives.
By then you’d gone to Vulcan.”
“We made a trade
we’d made before
this time on fair terms
a life for a rest
his blood for your sleep
we were both tired of death.”
Quiet.
“Why did you leave me.
I needed you then.
You don’t know how
I felt my heart stop
when Nyota said
you’d left.”
“Captain.”
“My name, Spock.”
Soft.
“Jim.
I could not.
The repeated fractures.
The ubiquitous death.
I could not.
I touched the bottom.
I found in myself
a bleak prospect
I found the conviction
friendships are not born
in conditions of trouble
love is not born
in conditions of need.
There are stories
littering life and literature
where difficult conditions
form enduring bonds
but I found their conditions
not difficult enough.
If tragedy and need
bring people together
then the need was not extreme
the tragedy not great.
Jim, I fractured.
I faced on New Vulcan
immersed in our loss
questioning our fate
tragedy so deep and sharp
it can never be shared
with friends.
I did not know
if I wanted to see
anyone again.
I have lost my planet
my people
myself
you
I could not lose
my ethics
It was all I had left.
It was all I had left.”
“You had me, Spock.”
“I did not have you.
I had the horror of your death
the press of my fingers
against a wall.”
“You ran away
when I needed you.”
“Jim.
I had nothing left.”
“Spock
I had nothing too.
I needed you
and you left.”
“Jim
what do you desire me to say?
That your love would sustain me
even through your death?”
“I didn’t die. I am alive.
You’re using my death as
another excuse.”
“Did you expect me to be
so relieved by that fact
that I could ignore
everything else?
Does life wipe away
the memory of
what I thought occurred?
Do your eyes wipe away
the knowledge of death
the visceral, terrible
immovable certainty
of living through death?
Jim. I had nothing.
Nothing left to give
incapable to receive
inadequate to live.”
Soft.
“I am here now.
Is that not enough?
T’hy’la
We are here now
speaking
is this not enough?”
Hands touching hands.
“Don’t leave again.
Don’t ever leave again.
Don’t ever fucking say
you don’t want to see
us again.
I came back from death
to the shock of living.”
“I returned from nothing
because you asked.”
Breathing.
“Spock.”
“Jim-- beloved.”
“Come with me to bed.
We’ve said enough.”
“Jim.”
“Come with me.
You’ve known how I feel
for the longest time.”
Dark eyes.
“Please, come.
I’m asking.
I’m asking again.”
Quiet.
“I am here, Jim.”
Breathe.
“I am here.”
And so
worlds align.
--
“After two months on Earth
you went to New Vulcan.
Why?”
“I questioned whether
I desired to stay,
Jim.”
Silence.
“Starfleet no longer
upheld the values
I hold sacred.
To order us to
hunt individuals
without trial or listening
to their crimes and fears.
To command us to
launch photon torpedoes
commit an act of war
that would be without peer.
To demote you from
captain of Enterprise
to maintain face
and righteous veneer.
To coerce another
person on waking
to build weapons,
threatening those they hold dear.
To execute us
for following orders,
then write off the deaths
as punishing mutineers.
To refuse to give
us any assistance
while we were fighting
within Earth’s orbital sphere.
To support the orders
to promote an admiral
who made Starfleet an army
to personally commandeer.
To banish us, hoping,
on our five year mission,
we would come back broken,
perhaps disappear.
I never agreed.
When I enlisted in Starfleet,
I did not give them the right
to compromise me.
My service is bound
to my ethical standards.
Starfleet broke them
repeatedly.
Vulcan principles are
the center of Starfleet.
Our tradition of spaceflight
is older than Earth’s.
The Prime Directive,
exploration, IDIC, First Contact,
to me are my values--
to me they have worth.
Else you will have those
who would crush other life forms,
bent on colonizing
every galaxy.
Else you will have those
who think war their birthright,
because they happen to have
some technology.
Else you will have
a cold man like Marcus
starting a war
preemptively.
For this, I left.
I will not live
to do what is wrong.
It may be
I cannot do what is right.
But I will not purposely seek
to do what is wrong.
No one has the right
to ask that of anyone.”
Silence.
“Why did you come back?”
Quiet.
“You left me a holo
asking me to return.
You detailed our mission,
our command team.
You said you would like
to see me in person
before the ceremony
rechristening.
I had not decided
whether to stay
until you spoke
your words of grief.”
Silence.
“Captain?”
Blue eyes.
“They all told me
they’d only come back
to go on this mission
if you were there, too.
Nyota, Scotty, Chekhov, Sulu--
half the command team
and a third of the crew.
I think they saw
who I am under orders,
how quickly I put
their lives on the line.
I think they saw
how you always tell me
when you disagree,
how often you’re right.”
Silence.
“When I called, I was bluffing.
I thought I would lose you.
I thought I’d lose everything,
even after I’d died.
I put us in
that nightmare without thinking--
I made a mistake,
I paid with my life.
If I lost you and the ship,
twice within living,
I don’t know what I’d do.
That’s why I tried
to say something,
anything,
worth five years of living
with me in the chair
and you by my side.”
Silence.
“Jim
I could forgive Starfleet many things.
Even through the ordeal
I might have returned.
But
To cost the lifeblood
of one I hold precious--
I could not forgive.
I could not return.
Jim
I cannot live to witness
your hands falling limp,
your eyes once again.
We have witnessed death,
we have seen destruction.
My mother disappeared
before my own eyes
but Jim--
to witness your dying moment
I could not endure
not one more time.
The answer you presented
asked me to live
asked me to come back
despite grief inside.
The message you spoke
asked us to try
to restore our wonder
to rebuild, revive.
That is the only
reason I came back
the reason I trust you
the reason I cried.”
Silence.
“Bones told me
when you were in the volcano
if I were there
you would let me die.
Nyota told me
how you went after Khan
with intent to kill--
pay a life with a life.”
“At one point
I attacked Khan psionically.
Brought forward memories
he never wanted to have
never wanted replayed
I cannot hate him.
I would not wish to remember
his blood-ridden past.”
“I know you put him to sleep again
that you got his blood with his consent
that you put him back in space again
somewhere hidden, alive.
The Admiralty was furious
they wanted at least to harvest the blood
as a miracle serum to save lives.
By then you’d gone to Vulcan.”
“We made a trade
we’d made before
this time on fair terms
a life for a rest
his blood for your sleep
we were both tired of death.”
Quiet.
“Why did you leave me.
I needed you then.
You don’t know how
I felt my heart stop
when Nyota said
you’d left.”
“Captain.”
“My name, Spock.”
Soft.
“Jim.
I could not.
The repeated fractures.
The ubiquitous death.
I could not.
I touched the bottom.
I found in myself
a bleak prospect
I found the conviction
friendships are not born
in conditions of trouble
love is not born
in conditions of need.
There are stories
littering life and literature
where difficult conditions
form enduring bonds
but I found their conditions
not difficult enough.
If tragedy and need
bring people together
then the need was not extreme
the tragedy not great.
Jim, I fractured.
I faced on New Vulcan
immersed in our loss
questioning our fate
tragedy so deep and sharp
it can never be shared
with friends.
I did not know
if I wanted to see
anyone again.
I have lost my planet
my people
myself
you
I could not lose
my ethics
It was all I had left.
It was all I had left.”
“You had me, Spock.”
“I did not have you.
I had the horror of your death
the press of my fingers
against a wall.”
“You ran away
when I needed you.”
“Jim.
I had nothing left.”
“Spock
I had nothing too.
I needed you
and you left.”
“Jim
what do you desire me to say?
That your love would sustain me
even through your death?”
“I didn’t die. I am alive.
You’re using my death as
another excuse.”
“Did you expect me to be
so relieved by that fact
that I could ignore
everything else?
Does life wipe away
the memory of
what I thought occurred?
Do your eyes wipe away
the knowledge of death
the visceral, terrible
immovable certainty
of living through death?
Jim. I had nothing.
Nothing left to give
incapable to receive
inadequate to live.”
Soft.
“I am here now.
Is that not enough?
T’hy’la
We are here now
speaking
is this not enough?”
Hands touching hands.
“Don’t leave again.
Don’t ever leave again.
Don’t ever fucking say
you don’t want to see
us again.
I came back from death
to the shock of living.”
“I returned from nothing
because you asked.”
Breathing.
“Spock.”
“Jim-- beloved.”
“Come with me to bed.
We’ve said enough.”
“Jim.”
“Come with me.
You’ve known how I feel
for the longest time.”
Dark eyes.
“Please, come.
I’m asking.
I’m asking again.”
Quiet.
“I am here, Jim.”
Breathe.
“I am here.”
And so
worlds align.
--