Fic: Observations, Ch 217
“Jim.”
He would not meet my eyes. I reached for him, but he stepped away.
“Jim, look at me.”
Blue eyes with a veil behind them.
“Tell me.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Then may I initiate telepathic contact-”
“No.”
Silence.
Jim exhaled.
“No. It’s over. We can move on.”
“Jim, whatever happened clearly affected you deeply-”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Dr. McCoy-”
“No. Fuck no.”
“Jim-”
“I said no. Unless you want to declare me compromised. It’s your choice, Commander.”
I stiffened, then willed myself to relax.
“Then I will respect your request.”
Sick relief flooded his eyes. My throat seemed to close, seeing Jim so deliberately avoid contact with me. After all we have been through-now this.
I pushed that thought aside and clamped down firmly on my telepathy.
“Jim, may I-?” I extended two fingers.
He shook his head.
“I am controlling my telepathy strictly.”
“I know. I just,” he reached out, then retreated again. “I can’t. It’s not that I don’t trust you.”
Deep hurt sank in, like a physical sensation in my body.
“I can’t. You’d see. I don’t want to take you back there.”
The only question reverberating in my mind-what have they done? What have they done to make him retreat so wholly from me, from all of us?
“We’re back on the Enterprise. It’s fine.”
Jim. Jim, please.
“Listen, I need a few shifts to myself. Everything’ll be fine, I just need time to clear my head.”
I nodded.
“Of course. If you need anything, I will be in Sickbay.”
“Okay.”
Neither of us made a move to leave.
“Jim-”
“I’ll be fine. It’s a funk. I’ll get over it,” he managed a painful smile.
Please. Let me help. To stand by your side is no longer enough, not when you are so clearly hurting. Please. Jim, please.
“I’m-we’re back. I have you. That’s enough to keep me going.”
“If I may-?” I stepped forward and looked at his lips.
I needed something, some sign that he was whole, standing before me. His flayed back had been repaired with relative ease.
Jim pressed his lips against mine quickly, so quickly that the moment of contact felt like a mere glancing touch. I reflexively reached out to hold his arm and bring him back to me, but he disengaged from my grip.
“No. I might not be able to control myself.”
“Control-?”
So many questions, so many thoughts incomplete. I cannot even begin to attempt to fill in these blanks. Jim will not tell me. I will not take those answers from him.
“Might never stop kissing you. Drag you to bed. Touch you everywhere.”
Desire spiked through me.
“Fuck,” Jim breathed. “Fuck. Spock, out. Now. I can’t do this. Out.”
“Jim-”
“Now. Get. Out. Now.”
Before I could respond, Jim pushed me out of his quarters, the bulkheads closed, and I heard the lock click. I stared at the doors.
Hurt blossomed, an ache in my chest that this is where Jim draws the line. That I am separated from him. More than ever, I desire us to be bonded, mentally linked in both emotions and intellect. More than ever, I fear that Jim will reject my proposal.
I tentatively put my hand against his door to glean something, anything, from him. As I open the gateways to my telepathy, I clench my fist.
I love him.
I love him, and I will respect him. I will respect his need for space and privacy, and I will wait for the time that Jim is ready to tell me whatever it is that is destroying him inside. This lack of trust, this boundary he draws around himself pains me deeply, but I will not take what he does not wish to disclose.
I love him, so I will stand by him. For even if he does not wish to share this burden with me, I am my own person. He cannot stop me from standing beside him. And if-when-if he chooses to disclose these secrets he holds tightly to himself, I will be ready.
Entreat me not to leave thee, and to return from following after thee; for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge; thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God; where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried; the Lord do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me.
--
“Spock. Got a moment?” Leonard did not wait for an answer. “Good.”
“Doctor.”
“It’s Jim.”
I made no reply.
“Don’t just stand there mute, for God’s sake. Has he told you what the hell happened?”
“He has not.”
“Goddamnit. God of Heaven damnit. I’m going to strangle him.”
“By ‘him,’ I assume you mean God.”
Leonard laughed, the sound a harsh bark.
“Him too. Spock, you’ve got to do something. The readings I got aren’t normal, even for Jim. He’s been under some kind of severe emotional and mental stress, and it’s showing up in flashing red lights all over his goddamn system.”
“I see no way to remedy this situation. Jim refuses to let me near him.”
“He won’t let you touch him?”
“He believes I may read something through my telepathy.”
“That idiot. Why does this happen? How does this always happen?”
“I am at a loss for an explanation as well. How is his physical condition otherwise?”
“This feels like that goddamn mission with Karidian all over again. He’s got himself locked down tighter than Fort Knox and this is going to explode. You just watch.”
“There is no need for dire predictions, Leonard.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Jim once explained to me that you are prone to hyperbolic statements when you are distressed.”
“Doesn’t it feel that way to you?”
I nodded, conceding his point.
“There are similarities between this situation and to the events leading up his confession concerning Tarsus IV. However, you have not answered my question. How is the captain’s physical condition?”
“The captain? You’re sliding into Vulcan-speak.”
“Doctor. Given that we are unable to reach the captain in any meaningful way, I believe the best course of action is to allow some time to pass and then approach the matter when he feels safer to discuss it. This is standard practice in Terran psychotherapy, is it not?”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t work that way with Jim. You saw how he was with Tarsus-never breathed a word about it to a soul until we forced his hand. Leaving Jim alone isn’t going to solve anything, Spock. We’ve got to confront him. I don’t care if it’s you or me or both of us or the whole damn crew. Time doesn’t help anything.”
“I have already tried to ask him-”
“And he shut you down. He’s really good at that. He’s had years of practice. You’ve got to be aggressive and real persistent about asking him.”
“Jim was not willing to allow physical contact. That indicates a severe trauma, the effects of which might be exacerbated if we force him to recount whatever happened.”
“You don’t hear what I’m saying, you green blooded hobgoblin. Time only makes Jim build stronger walls around his memories and he never processes them. He’s never processed any of the trauma that he’s been through in a healthy way, never acknowledged that it exists-”
“On the contrary, Leonard, he knows very well the experiences he has undergone and has found necessary ways of coping with them. They are more unusual according to Terran standards, but he has survived thus far to become a captain.”
“Do I have to pull seniority on you? I’ve known Jim for more than six years and I know how he deals with things. I’ve seen it over and over, like a goddamn script, he’s that predictable. He’s not going to talk about it if you let him get away with that-”
“I do not plan on letting the matter pass without mention, and it is clear from the fact that you are contesting my opinion that neither are you. If you are so convinced that your method is correct, then why do you not confront him yourself? He considers you to be his best friend.”
“Because I think you’ve got a better chance of getting him to talk than I do. Whenever I start asking him questions like that, he clams up and treats me like a doctor.”
“You are asking these questions out of medical concern.”
“I’m asking these goddamn questions because I’m his friend, you pointy eared bastard!”
“I did not intend to insult you, Leonard. I was not excluding that from your motivations, only noting that the two overlap.”
Leonard slumped.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean that. But the point is, Jim’s got them separate. You’ve seen how much hates being in Sickbay.”
“You are also aware that his aversion stems from experiences in his past.”
“And I don’t blame him. Being in and out of hospitals all the time aint exactly the rodeo. That doesn’t matter. You still need to get to the bottom of this.”
“Or you will take it upon yourself to do so?”
“If I have to. Not that it’ll do any good.”
“Has it never occurred to you, Leonard, that perhaps the timeframe does not matter for you because when you ask Jim such questions, he perceives them as hostile and invasive-no matter when you ask, he will be reluctant to answer. If, as you say, he is more receptive to my attempts, then could it not be detrimental if we do as you say and push him before he is comfortable? Then he will perceive my questions in the same light as yours.”
Leonard paused, considering my argument. He shook his head.
“Goddamnit, I’m having a debate about human psychology with a Vulcan and I might be losing!”
“Then you agree.”
He sighed.
“You’ve got a point. I hadn’t thought of that.”
“Then you will allow him to recover at his own pace.”
“We’ll see. There’re limits to this.”
“I agree. However, for the time being, you will not cajole him in your usual manner-we have reached a consensus in that aspect.”
“Consensus,” Leonard snorted. “All right, I’ll sign this treaty. I’ll be damned if I didn’t sell my soul to the devil.”
“You have not, I assure you. One cannot sell that which has already been parceled out on one hundred eighty-nine occasions to Cerberus, Buddha, the Valkyries, Hades, Michael the Archangel, Legion, and if I recall correctly, an individual by the name of General Robert E. Lee.”
“Now I know that half the statistics that fly out of your mouth are baloney,” he smiled.
“They are not.”
“Aint my fault if Jim makes me go through mass conversions like that.”
“Indeed. You still have not answered my question concerning his physical condition.”
“It’s not pretty. There’re signs of multiple breaks and strains, combined with unusually rapid healing. It didn’t do his old injuries any favors either. The tricorder reads are gorgeous, in a way only Jim can pull off.”
“Is there any indication of sexual violation?”
“No. If there were, I’d pull him back here so fast, his head’d be spinning.”
“You are certain.”
“I can’t be certain about anything, but as far as tricorder readings go, they didn’t touch him that way. I wouldn’t rule out torture, though,” he said darkly. “And there’re ways to sexually violate people without even touching them.
I absorbed Leonard’s words. I did not desire to think of the implications.
“Thank you for that information.”
“Just... don’t let him box us out. He’s good at that, right at the time when he needs people most.”
I nodded. A charged silence fell over us.
“He’s going to be the death of me someday.”
“I believe he will be the death of us all, Leonard.”
“I hate it when you’re right more than once.”
“Then you must harbor an unusually high amount of animosity towards me at all times.”
Leonard laughed.
“Damn straight. Now go get changed. M’Benga’s going to do your physical.”
“Doctor, I hardly think that is necessary-”
“Don’t argue with me on this one, damnit! I don’t know how you’re still standing after this mess, but it’s my job to keep you standing. Now get to the biobed. M’Benga’ll be here in a minute.”