RP: You don't know how it feels to be misunderstood

[anon_james]

Date: February 10, 2003
Characters: James Potter & Minerva McGonagall
Location: Albion Lake
Status: Private
Summary: Once more, James finds himself in need of time alone to think. Only he ends up not quite so alone.
Complete: Incomplete

Comments

[anon_james]

He stared out over the lake, his expression dark and brooding, not at all like the James Potter most people from his first life would know. Sirius had seen this face, and Remus on occasion. Peter had only been privy to it once or twice there towards the end. This was the face that signaled deep thought on his part, and not about sweetness and light, either. Not about how much he loved his wife, though the though was tangled up in the darker ones that cluttered his head.

These thoughts made it easy for him to miss her approach, but he didn't miss her voice when she spoke. With a slight jump of surprise, he turned to face the voice he knew only too well from school. She hadn't yet been the deputy headmistress or even the head of Gryffindor House in his day, but she'd been just as unwavering and stern as the classes after his had known.

Seeing Professor McGonagall standing there, smiling at him, made James look back around to make sure it wasn't someone else she was smiling at, even though she'd said his name. Nope, no one else was stupid enough to be sitting around the lake in the middle of February.

When he realized she really was talking to him, he shot up from his perch on the ground and brushed off his pants. "Professor. Hi." He blinked at her, and spouted the first thing that came to mind. "You got old."

[anon_minerva]

Minerva in her years as teacher might have scowled at that, crossed her arms and glowered him into detention.

This Minerva simply nodded. "That seems to be the general consensus these days, yes. Old and useless." She studied him, amazed all over again at the sight of one who was long dead, standing there watching her. "I think it's the world that got old, Mr. Potter."

James seemed perhaps a bit older than she remembered himself, but then Minerva thought about him in his school years more than the brief time he had afterwards. She always thought of James and Sirius, even Remus, as the three schoolfriends, brilliant and irreverent.

She studied him, and noticed this James seemed different in more than that one way. "You were never one given to introspection, James. What's got you out here alone?" Her brow furrowed. "You've not got family missing? Lily, or..." She hesitated. Was Harry there? Had they met?

[anon_james]

Giving a little grin--part sheepish, part amused, the little grin he used to give when they'd been caught at something--James laughed and shrugged. "Sorry, Professor. Though, I didn't say useless. Just old." A pause, thoughtful, and then. "It must be nice to be old." He'd never gotten the chance to get old. Growing old with Lily would be nice, but at the moment he didn't think he'd get the chance, and he turned away, his grin having turned into a slight scowl.

"Not missing," he said, and before he could stop himself, continued, "but might as well be." For all that Lily let him in while she worried over her best friend, he might as well not even be there. Not to mention, she still seemed to think the birthday debacle was still all his fault. Then there was Harry. Harry who wouldn't look at him, who had no interest in talking to him, getting to know him, though he supposed he did deserve a little bit of that. He really would like the chance to try to explain himself again, though. That first time, he'd really botched it.

Sighing, James passed a hand through his hair, then shook his head. Professor McGonagall was never someone he thought of unburdening himself to, not as a student, and not even now. Though, she didn't seem as... unapproachable as she had back at school. "I don't want to babble at you about my personal problems."

[anon_minerva]

She snorted, her eyes rolling in a churlish way. "It's thrilling."

She regarded him for a moment. No, she had never been much of a confidante to the children. She had never been one of those rare professors the students also looked at as human. Remus, she thought, had been one of those. But Minerva was far too effective as the pursed-lipped marm.

Still, she had regarded her students in some small way as her children. Particularly those who went on to fight with her. As Harry and the Weasleys were to her now, so had James and Lily been to her years ago.

So she nodded and gestured to where he had been sitting. "Sit, Mr. Potter. Tell me what sort of problems a dead man in a mystical city might have."

[anon_james]

With a sigh, he sat back down. Where to begin? When he woke in Annwn was too soon, though he supposed it had something to do with it. "Lily and I have been doing really well in Annwn, you know?" was the best way he could think of to begin. "Then Sniv--" He stopped and looked askance at her. Professors never had patience for "friendly" nicknames. "Then Snape made his presence known. He and Lily continued their friendship."

He paused. It took him a while to figure out how to continue, but eventually he found the words. He told her about when the living had first begun trickling into Annwn, and his shock at seeing Harry all grown up. He even told her about his stupidity in going out with Sirius and Remus instead of trying to get to know his son, and he tried to explain his convoluted reasons why, though he didn't really succeed any better than he had when he tried to explain it to Harry.

Then he told her all about the Festival, probably repeating things Dumbledore had told her, about how the citizens were given a choice that wasn't really a choice, and how he hadn't been able to stand back and let a child bind herself. Then, the next thing he knew, coming back at Christmas, and Lily's anger, Harry's rage.

His voice wavered a little as he told her about Lily saying she might not ever be able to forgive him, and about his disastrous attempt to make peace with Harry. He tried not to show how deeply both things affected him, though he supposed there really wasn't any way for him to succeed at that. Lily was his wife, after all, and Harry his son. There was no way he wouldn't be deeply affected by all of this.

Finally, he explained about Lily's birthday, what he'd done to be able to afford the plans, what he'd bought her and where he planned to take her. "But Snape ruined it, of course. He invited her to dinner for her birthday, and Lily went. She just thought I'd forget again. Am I the only one who thinks there's something wrong when a woman chooses to spend her birthday in the company of a man other than her husband who fancies her?"

[anon_minerva]

Minerva scowled, and it only grew deeper the longer he spoke.

She had no mind for relationship troubles. She had avoided relationships most of her life because she had no patience for the tightrope-walking required.

"It seems to me," she said finally, when it seemed James honestly wanted her answer, "that you're asking the wrong question. I assume Lily hasn't changed so much in death - she is a strong and a moral woman. You should trust her, no matter what Severus might want."

Severus. Hell. How was he handling all this?

She cleared her throat, shaking the thoughts away. "If you don't trust your wife in the presence of another man, that is a problem for you to work out. If the problem is that she chose to spend her birthday with anyone other than you, that you need to discuss with her. Though it seems to me, James, that even if you meant to surprise your wife with certain plans you might still have acknowledged her birthday beforehand. Women can be rash about things like that."

She frowned, regarding him. "I don't quite understand why it is you're having these troubles with Lily and Harry. Especially Harry. That boy worshipped you, or the idea of you, when he was going through school. Do you mean to tell me that they are so angry for no other reason than you sacrificing your second chance for an innocent girl?"

[anon_james]

James couldn't scowl at her; it was Professor McGonagall, and he had a feeling that if he scowled at her, she'd glare coolly back at him and give him detention. Not that he'd ever minded being in detention, but that was when he got caught doing something that deserved it.

"Professor, I'd love to trust Lily, and normally I would." How to explain this? He had trouble enough explaining what was on his mind without having to explain it to one of the sternest professors ever to walk the halls of Hogwarts. "But when my wife tells me she's not sure she'll ever be able to forgive me, has me sleeping on the couch, and then starts choosing to spend her birthday with another man, it gets more difficult."

If it had happened before, when Lily still trusted him, when he wasn't treated like a dog on a leash, he'd have been hurt and angry, but not nearly like this. And it would have been all Snivellus' fault, not Lily's at all. James just couldn't help that her refusal or inability to forgive him for his actions made it more likely in his mind that she would then seek someone she felt she could trust. "I don't know why she thinks she can trust Snape more than she can me." And under his breath, he muttered, "Slimy Death Eater."

Apparently, James was not aware of everything else that had happened. No one had bothered to inform him of Snape's actions during the second war, nor of the reasoning that had been revealed to be behind them. Not, of course, that it would change his opinion much at this point.

When she mentioned Harry worshiping him in school, James laughed a little, bitterly, and shook his head. "That's the problem, Professor. He worshiped the idea of me, an idea that was apparently fed and built up to near perfection by two certain, mangy best friends of mine who will remain nameless. The reality of me can't begin to live up to that idea, unfortunately." With a sigh, he watched as his fingers pulled at the grass beside his leg. "And me, I didn't know how to handle seeing my grown son when the last time I'd seen him was as a baby."

Why was he telling her this? Did he just need someone to talk to, someone who would actually listen to him instead of just yelling at him? Probably. Even Sirius, who no longer seemed angry with him, just listened with a sort of blank stare before passing James a drink. James couldn't blame the guy, really. Sirius wasn't married, didn't even have a girlfriend that James knew of. At least, he hoped that exotic girl didn't count, because she looked way too young for Sirius.

James shook his head of the thoughts that didn't matter at the moment, and cleared his throat. "From what I can gather, yeah, that's why they're mad. I shouldn't have run off recklessly. I left them. I deserted them, abandoned them, choose any word you like, they all mean the same. Not that Harry really cares that I left him, he's angry for Lily's sake. At least, if he's angry for his own sake he won't admit to it."