I am not happy about this...
this is my baby, my venting space, and all I have done is desert it.
so winter is very fun, and I enjoy it...all of it...until xmas is over. I'm not all about the holiday, I just feel people misconstrue the meaning of it. anyhow, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the lights, the feel, the snow, the brightness even late at night, the stars...
then xmas is over, and it's drab and dark...ugly...because times moves so fast, yet i'm conscious of it all, and it's already inbetween seasons, mother nature at it's ugliest.
not to mention I'm depressed as all hell at that time. it could be how the weather makes me feel, but i think it all had to do with him, he left his life at that time, and I was so sad...he wasn't there to share company with anymore. i lost feeling and it made me feel like i wasn't really there. I was conscious, just not in my body...seriously.
then reading bryan erickson's forums pissed me off and disgusted me beyond hell...that's when i realized he, and many other people infiltrating this world are fuckin full of shit...they are liars, and don't know anything, which is funny because they act like they do. they are right, and everybody was wrong. fuck know-it-alls. reading what I did on that shit made me feel numb, on top of not even being there. I was a goddamned drone. no emotion, just pain for the mere second of a thought. I never want to feel like that again. but that was years ago.
but this time, i hope it's better. I hope. I don't think I'll know just yet when I will be happy.
...ivy...
so winter is very fun, and I enjoy it...all of it...until xmas is over. I'm not all about the holiday, I just feel people misconstrue the meaning of it. anyhow, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the lights, the feel, the snow, the brightness even late at night, the stars...
then xmas is over, and it's drab and dark...ugly...because times moves so fast, yet i'm conscious of it all, and it's already inbetween seasons, mother nature at it's ugliest.
not to mention I'm depressed as all hell at that time. it could be how the weather makes me feel, but i think it all had to do with him, he left his life at that time, and I was so sad...he wasn't there to share company with anymore. i lost feeling and it made me feel like i wasn't really there. I was conscious, just not in my body...seriously.
then reading bryan erickson's forums pissed me off and disgusted me beyond hell...that's when i realized he, and many other people infiltrating this world are fuckin full of shit...they are liars, and don't know anything, which is funny because they act like they do. they are right, and everybody was wrong. fuck know-it-alls. reading what I did on that shit made me feel numb, on top of not even being there. I was a goddamned drone. no emotion, just pain for the mere second of a thought. I never want to feel like that again. but that was years ago.
but this time, i hope it's better. I hope. I don't think I'll know just yet when I will be happy.
...ivy...