FIC -Presentiment ~Urahara / Kon ~R
Title: Presentiment
Pairings/Characters: Urahara Kisuke / Kon
Spoilers: none
Warnings: crack, stupidity, humor?
Rating: R for language and mentions of mansex
Word Count: 2462
Prompts: Kon, funny
Written for: yawns_widely
Description: It wouldn’t matter how he found out, I’d be just as dead
Beta: akuni
A/N: This was sort of a challenge prompt from yawns_widely that’s taken forever to get right. Big kudos to akuni who gave me the inspiration to finish this right and the confidence to finally add some humor.
Happy Belated Birthday Roz! I know it’s been three months, but I hope this meets with at least some of your expectations. Maybe by next year I’ll have figured out how to write Byakuya or Grimmjow for you. *laughs* Okay maybe not.
Ichigo will kill me, if he ever finds out. I’d run like the wind, but in the end he’d still catch me. He would pop my little pill right out of the plushy I live in and stomp me flat. Even though none of this is technically my fault, I know he wouldn’t wait for an explanation. I’d be dead before I could even say, “I was seduced.”
I never thought of being gay. Honestly, the draw of boobs had been all encompassing. Being turned on by a guy never even crossed my mind, especially one who treated me like a dead bug when I was in my plushy body. However, in this body - in Ichigo’s body, he looks at me as if I’m made of sex. It’s just too exciting a feeling to let go.
Women never look at me like that. Oh sure, some of them like the way Ichigo’s body looks, but apparently they are never able to see past my loathsome personality. What’s a loathsome personality anyway? Sheesh. Give a guy a break. If you’d been stuck in a pill for a few decades, only to then be stuck in a plushy, wouldn’t you be socially awkward and a little pissed off at the world? I mean it’s not as if I can have sex in either form, and there’s only so much satisfaction I get from looking up skirts or being squished between some really plump knockers.
At least now it doesn’t matter - now that Kisuke’s so interested and Ichigo’s gone so much, I get to use this body however I want. Of course, I have some limits - those limits being, as Ichigo puts it, “Nothing that will damage my reputation.” Since I have to keep this affair secret anyway, I figure I can dodge the reputation issue as long as no one else ever knows. I don’t suppose that’ll keep Ichigo from killing me when he eventually finds out. Still, I am abiding by the “letter of the law”, as Kisuke is so fond of saying.
How that old pervert always finds a way to justify his actions is a mystery to me. Although, Kisuke seemingly has a knack for justifying anything he damn well pleases. I just keep waiting for Ichigo’s dad to come out of retirement completely and go bankai on the idiot shopkeeper’s ass. If it wouldn’t mean the death of a really fantastic lover, I would totally tell Isshin myself just to see what the two of them did to each other. Talk about ultimate entertainment. Still, I like Kisuke’s ass how it is, so for now I think I’ll keep the secret. At least until Ichigo figures it out on his own, then all bets are off.
I really thought I was boned the last time he came home. I was sure the jig was up with his whole tirade of, “Fuck, Kon what the hell have you been doing while I was gone. My ass is killing me.” Thank all the gods that the idiot is still a virgin, well at least in his own mind. I’d be deader than dead if he knew his body wasn’t a virgin anymore. I shudder to think what torture he’d do to me before my death. As if it’s not bad enough that I’m having sex in his body, I’m having gay sex. That would definitely send him into an unrecoverable tail spin and me off to oblivion, because I seriously doubt mod souls ever reincarnate. Too bad really, I think I’d make a great person on my second try.
Too bad Ichigo isn’t really stupid, either. I really like this arrangement. I may not get Kisuke’s ass as often as I’d like, but still, for an old guy he’s a pretty equal opportunity lover. Sadly for me, Ichigo is eventually going to put two and two together and figure it out even if he is still a virgin. The thing is… I just can’t give this up until someone makes me. I’m just not that strong. Besides, it’s not just the sex anymore. It’s confusing, but it feels like more now. Maybe I’ll figure out what before Ichigo kills me. Until then though, I gotta run. I need to get ready for tonight. If I can beat Kisuke at his little game, I get to tie him up. I love him; he’s such a kinky bastard.
***
Ichigo will kill me, if he ever finds out. I seriously doubt he’d wait around for any explanation either. Since clearly, this whole affair is entirely my fault.
Benihime might protest our deaths, but if Ichigo really tried to kill me, he’d likely succeed. Not to mention Isshin.... For this offense, I think Isshin would have little trouble recovering his bankai. If he finds out I’m fucking his son’s body, even though Ichigo isn’t in it, I’ll still be just as dead.
What I’m doing is beyond wrong, it’s perverted. I seduced a fucking mod soul. Not one in a gigai, though. Oh no. I couldn’t do anything half way. I had to go for the full perverseness. I seduced Kon while he was in Ichigo’s body. I justified it because Kon was a few decades old, but really it was Ichigo’s body that first turned me on.
Why I ever thought Kon would go along with it, I have no idea. The guy’s a pervert, but he never showed any indication he was interested in men. I think I still love a challenge way too much for my own good. In the end, it was almost too easy to get him to agree. He’d never had sex as a mod soul or in Ichigo’s body, so I graciously volunteered to be the girl for him. After I was sure I had him hooked, I made it a contest. Yes, I know I’m a pervert, but also a genius, because it worked didn’t it?
Now we have a game of sorts before sex, and whoever comes out on top is… well, quite literally on top. Really, he’s no match for me at any of it, but I let him win often enough to keep him from getting discouraged. Besides, there are some nights it’s nice to just be taken care of and made precious in someone else’s eyes. And Kon really is a very attentive lover, and watching that body move over me is an incredible sight that sometimes I just need to see.
That’s why last week, when Ichigo came home to inhabit his body briefly, I mentally tucked in all my attraction so he wouldn’t sense my interest in him. It was weird though - I looked at Ichigo and my body was strangely silent. Always before it was a trial to get my lust under control no matter who inhabited that incredible body. This last time though, all I felt was disappointment.
I think I’m in love - with a mod soul. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with Kon. How stupid is that? The real problem though is… he can’t keep Ichigo’s body. Oh sure, the kid rarely needs it these days, but there things I want to do now that I just can’t. It’s depraved enough that I’m having sex with Ichigo’s body - he might not want me dead for that, but if I ever did anything kinky and he found out, death might be preferable. One of these days Ichigo’s going to catch on why his ass aches every time he reclaims his body, and I’d rather not complicate things further.
As fond as I am of my own skin, I find I’m just as interested in preserving Kon’s mind. So, I’ve decided to make him a new permanent gigai. I know - I know it’s crazy. As soon as he has a body of his own, he’ll be able to do what he likes. He won’t have to hide his relationships anymore. He could leave me and never look back. It makes me uneasy, but it’s not as if I haven’t had lovers take off on me before. I survived. I always survive. It’s just that… I love him and this is something I have to do for him.
Tonight I’m going to let him win our little game, so he can tie me up. He really has gotten very good at making me want to beg. Afterwards though, when we’re both tired and just about ready to fall asleep, I’m going to tell him about the gigai and ask him to help me design it. No, I’m not completely crazy; I need to spare my dignity if he has no real feelings for me. If he stays with me after he gets the gigai, I’ll tell him how I feel. I really have to run now, though. I need to get the game set up in the training grounds before he gets here. Thanks for listening Yoruichi, even if you really weren’t. It always helps to talk things out with you.
***
I love it when Kisuke kisses me on the head before leaving. It’s such sweet gesture from a man who rarely thinks of anyone but himself. It’s just one more positive change I’ve enjoyed seeing him accomplish since he started seeing Kon.
I find it ironic that both Kisuke and Kon thought I was asleep. As if I’d sleep through that kind of juicy gossip. Besides, I love listening to Kon talk. He’s still basically so innocent, though technically he’s probably in his thirties. Even with the death threat constantly on him from Seireitei, he still manages to be relatively normal, or at least as normal as a consciousness in pill form can be.
Kisuke, at least, had an inkling I was listening. It’s not as if he hasn’t tried to justify his perversions to me before. Still, I’m happy I won’t have to kill him any time soon. It would be a shame to murder such an ingenious mind and such a good friend. If I had to though, I would kill Kisuke to keep Isshin or Ichigo from having to do it. After the pain I’ve already witnessed in my life, I’m not ready to watch Isshin or Ichigo try to kill Kisuke, when it would take me so little effort to do it for them.
It really is taxing trying to keep Kisuke in line sometimes, but ultimately it’s worth it. Too bad he’s finally fallen in love, though. I’m really going to miss the occasional bouts of kinky sex.
Speaking of…. I wonder what Isshin’s up to tonight. As much as the unrepentant romantic loved Masaki, surely he’s mourned her long enough by now. Sneaking into the house as I am will be a snap. Though I suppose I really should transform once I’m inside. No matter how many interesting things I can do with my tail, I will undoubtedly get fewer token protests from Isshin if he finds me in his bed as a naked woman. On the other hand, the shock value of shifting in front of him might be an even better deterrent to any objection.
Yeah, it’s definitely time to see if Isshin is up for a little mischief.
***
I’m gonna kill him. No, I’m gonna kill them both. This can’t continue. I’m so fucking tired of my ass feeling like it’s had a hot poker shoved up it.
At first I didn’t mind so much. Okay, that’s not true, I did mind, but Kon was staying out of trouble and Kisuke wasn’t ogling me like a wet dream anymore. Having both of them occupied and out of my hair was kinda nice for awhile. Even the first time I popped back into my body to find my ass aching wasn’t too bad. Pfft, no, that’s a lie; I was really pissed. But what the hell was I going to say? It was just too fucking embarrassing.
I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad or hurt so damn much if my ass weren’t already a little sore before returning to my body. But I just hate feeling like I had marathon sex when all I had time for was a morning quickie before coming home. It’s gotten so annoying that I’ve had to stop being bottom on the days I’m returning to Karakura. The frustration of this whole ordeal has made me not even want to reclaim my body anymore, and the fact that Kon isn’t at home today tells me exactly where my body’s at.
What kinda idiot do they think I am anyway? I’m not blind or stupid. That’s probably the part that pisses me off the most. Nah, that’s not true either. The worst part is I’m gonna have to tell Renji one of these days and my humiliation will be complete. The amount of shit he’s gonna give me over this will be staggering, but keeping it a secret would almost be like lying. And I just can’t lie to Renji. This totally sucks.
Shit, what the hell am I gonna do? Confronting them isn’t really going to accomplish anything. I mean, I’d feel like complete shit telling them to stop. It may be my body but it’s not my life - and as annoying as Kon can be, he deserves to be happy, too. Fuck, you’re friends with the perverted old bastard, Yoruichi, you got any ideas?
***
Well at least I won’t have to kill anyone. I was actually pretty impressed with the kid. Ichigo isn’t nearly the prude I thought he was, and thankfully he’s far from stupid. Though I have to say, I always knew Ichigo had a good heart. Rukia’s freedom and Orihime’s rescue always meant more to him than his own life. However, knowing he’d sacrifice his dignity for Kon, someone he barely tolerates, made me realize how truly unique Ichigo really is.
It didn’t stop me from giving him crap over the whole thing, though. Poor kid was in hysterics by the time I convinced him I was joking about all the kinky stuff Kisuke and Kon had been doing to his body. He actually ran to the bathroom to check his ass for tattoos at one point and made me swear I wouldn’t let Kisuke give his body a Prince Albert. I haven’t had that much fun since Ichigo was 15 and I transformed in front of him, naked. Ah, good times.
Still, Ichigo’s compassion over this complicated situation did make me wonder one thing…. Did he get his loyalty and heart from Masaki or from you, Isshin?
Definitely not me. Now go back to sleep, I need plenty of rest so I can practice my bankai on Urahara’s ass tomorrow.