(no subject)
There was a time when I felt calm, cool, and collected.
There was a time when I knew how I felt.
There was a time when I knew exactly what I wanted.
There were times I'd never say a word.
Because I was Shy.
Because I had nothing to say.
There were times I'd consider myself genuinely happy.
There were times when I didn't have to force myself out of bed.
There were days I tried my hardest.
I tried for me.
Were there days where I wasn't afraid of disappointing someone?
I can't recall.
It doesn't feel like it's for me anymore.
I'm trying for them.
I'm trying for the seven year old girl who knew what she wanted.
But that girl isn't me anymore.
Is it?
I feel the same.
I think.
I'm sure the only difference is...
I've learned to mask certain things.
Certain feelings
Do I honestly believe I'm not as sensitive?
Do I honestly believe I'm not as hostile?
Am I still?
Or is it that
I've grown up...
A little bit.
I've spent years cringing under covers...
Embarrassment and regret being my way of life.
Replaying things over and over
Is that normal?
I don't...feel... as if I know myself
Outwardly I'm fine
But it feels like I'm tethered down...
I can't make anything coherent
Inside it's all a mess
Shouldn't you know what you're thinking?
How you're feeling?
What you want?
Shouldn't you know who you are?
I don't epitomize anything but a walking chaos.
So stop saying otherwise.
The only reason I'm trying anymore is to uphold stature.
It's for them.
I don't think it's been about me
For a long
Time
You know who's fault this is don't you?
Freakin' Maya Angelou's
Who had to ruin my birthday card with her quote:
"Live life as if it were created just for you"
Nevermind that I love the quote.. or that the card held a $50 check... or that I should be marvelling at my insane run of luck.
For you see...
Who needs Boston when we've got Orlando?
Yes Yes...
Disney..
But that's not the point
The point is....
That on May 11th
Tiffany and I (along with thousands of others.. ugh)
Are going to do something just short of committing mass suicide.
Alright.. so it has nothing to do with suicide..
It's more like....
James Blunt is comin' to town.