Wednesday
I’ve been here, the whole afternoon… and evening too, in my bedroom, locked, alone, with my laptop, my headphones, my mobile phone… and right now an almost full cup of cold coffee at my side. And you may ask “what are you into?” Well, the truly answer is: COMPLETELY NOTHING. I mean, obviously I hoped to do something very useful and productive this afternoon… but I didn’t. I’ve listened to music, look for a lot of different and unnecessary things on the internet… and (I just realized that) nothing more. I’ve become very professional on doing nothing recently. Anyway, I don’t feel like doing anything (and I haven’t in the whole day). So, I don’t know, I just would like to lie down on bed and watch movies or so.
And no, I don’t have any “but” or any solution for this. Even I probably will do it. Actually going to class is already enough effort for me these days. I don’t like people in class over all, at least the ones I used to be with. But I don’t use to talk with a lot of people and much less talk a lot. I have lots of friends and very funny and good ones. I have a nice group, but not in this class. That is something that I never got since last year, when I started the career. I couldn’t even have some nice partners. I am much more invisible for those people actually. And I don’t really know why, because I’ve never been that kind of person. I’ve never been too much shy or invisible to people. Actually I used to be nice with people, but I don’t know. I guess I just don’t fit in.
Of course It feels hard for me to socialize lately. It never has been that difficult for me until the latest years and it has been worse since I’m in this class. It was difficult with the class I was two years ago too, but at least then I got to keep a very good friend and a couple of nice ones, and I even talk with almost every person of that class when I meet them. Too bad I was just one year on that class. I changed my studies, and I’m happy with my career now but not with people.
I don’t ask for friends to go out, have fun and be confident (I have them yet). I just would like to have a couple of persons to be with in class everyday, to be just comfortable, to ask for help or classes stuff, and those kind of things class partners do. Some people who worry for me enough to ask me how I’ve passed the weekend and to say “see you tomorrow”. Some for who I’m not invisible when they pass by my side.
Well, I’ve been worried about this a lot since last year. But I just got tired.
Point 1: I’m not a lonely person. I have friends. Real ones who love me and with I have great times. I don’t get to have either friends or partners in my class. But that’s ok.
Point 2: The fact that I don’t fit in class doesn’t make me an unsocial, boring, unkind person. It makes me a different person from the people with I am. And truly, I like feeling different. So it’s ok for me to be a little weirdo.
Point 3: The fact that it is so difficult for me to meet new people doesn’t mean that I’ve changed from who I was or become reserved. It means that I’ve been most years of my life with the same people and then suddenly in 3 or 4 years I met amounts of new people so maybe it became harder for me than I thought but I’m still that smiley little girl who were nice to people, I swear. And that’s ok.
Still, I haven’t managed to feel ok with all of this in the same exact moment I thought it. And I still feel uncomfortable surrounded by those people and sad when I feel that kind of nothing for the one on my side. But I’m trying really hard to be the most comfortable I can get with this situation, because I don’t want to feel lonely almost everyday, and having bad days with bad mood for that, when I’m the only one who get upset for it. And even more when there’s nothing more I can do to fix it, because I already did much enough.
I’m not going to lie. It will always be sad for me not having someone there, but I want to be in peace with the fact that at least I’ve tried and that still I’m fine.
Thank you for your time, dear unknown reader. It has been so much pleasure.
Be yourself and happy always.
Lots of love. XX
- A.
And no, I don’t have any “but” or any solution for this. Even I probably will do it. Actually going to class is already enough effort for me these days. I don’t like people in class over all, at least the ones I used to be with. But I don’t use to talk with a lot of people and much less talk a lot. I have lots of friends and very funny and good ones. I have a nice group, but not in this class. That is something that I never got since last year, when I started the career. I couldn’t even have some nice partners. I am much more invisible for those people actually. And I don’t really know why, because I’ve never been that kind of person. I’ve never been too much shy or invisible to people. Actually I used to be nice with people, but I don’t know. I guess I just don’t fit in.
Of course It feels hard for me to socialize lately. It never has been that difficult for me until the latest years and it has been worse since I’m in this class. It was difficult with the class I was two years ago too, but at least then I got to keep a very good friend and a couple of nice ones, and I even talk with almost every person of that class when I meet them. Too bad I was just one year on that class. I changed my studies, and I’m happy with my career now but not with people.
I don’t ask for friends to go out, have fun and be confident (I have them yet). I just would like to have a couple of persons to be with in class everyday, to be just comfortable, to ask for help or classes stuff, and those kind of things class partners do. Some people who worry for me enough to ask me how I’ve passed the weekend and to say “see you tomorrow”. Some for who I’m not invisible when they pass by my side.
Well, I’ve been worried about this a lot since last year. But I just got tired.
Point 1: I’m not a lonely person. I have friends. Real ones who love me and with I have great times. I don’t get to have either friends or partners in my class. But that’s ok.
Point 2: The fact that I don’t fit in class doesn’t make me an unsocial, boring, unkind person. It makes me a different person from the people with I am. And truly, I like feeling different. So it’s ok for me to be a little weirdo.
Point 3: The fact that it is so difficult for me to meet new people doesn’t mean that I’ve changed from who I was or become reserved. It means that I’ve been most years of my life with the same people and then suddenly in 3 or 4 years I met amounts of new people so maybe it became harder for me than I thought but I’m still that smiley little girl who were nice to people, I swear. And that’s ok.
Still, I haven’t managed to feel ok with all of this in the same exact moment I thought it. And I still feel uncomfortable surrounded by those people and sad when I feel that kind of nothing for the one on my side. But I’m trying really hard to be the most comfortable I can get with this situation, because I don’t want to feel lonely almost everyday, and having bad days with bad mood for that, when I’m the only one who get upset for it. And even more when there’s nothing more I can do to fix it, because I already did much enough.
I’m not going to lie. It will always be sad for me not having someone there, but I want to be in peace with the fact that at least I’ve tried and that still I’m fine.
Thank you for your time, dear unknown reader. It has been so much pleasure.
Be yourself and happy always.
Lots of love. XX
- A.