futures & folly
i love blitzen trapper. the album 'wild mountain nation' is muy fabuloso.
so, here's where i'm at:
jake, in the midst of a midnight quarrel, moved all of his belongings (including his playstation 3...sux). we had been arguing--me just coming off my 3 night shifts in a row, him attempting to find a new job and get the custody battle surrounding his 5 year-old daughter rolling.
obviously there are several 'stressors' leading towards relationship spill-over drama. as my mom said, in her fruitful knowledge (and slight contempt for jake) "this is life. this isn't a rehearsal. figure out if this is too much and know that you'll be fine regardless."
he went home again last night...after another argument. this one involving sex. yes, sex. we have been fighting about that. i feel like all the sacred realms of our relationship have been breeched. my boundaries blown to pieces, his duress unrelated to our relationship have tainted the small amount of joy that was left in our lives together.
are we breaking up? am i ready for him to be out for good? should i stick it out?
all i can think about is that i am not ready for the custody battle...the courts investigating me, the $12,000 court fees, facing the bitch that is the mother of his child, meeting and potentially being an evil stepmother (not evil, but i'm sure the poor five-year old girl at the root of this battle won't be welcoming with open arms).
you know what i want to do? i want to drive to california. spend a couple days in santa monica. wear a sweater in the night pacific air, and think about all of this.
it's like i should strike while the iron is hot, i mean all his stuff is out...but i love him. we'll have been engaged for one year this week. my 29th birthday is coming up (nov. 12) and the thought of being on my own scares the shit of me (i never claimed that i wasn't co-dependent).
anyway, i'm burying myself in foreign films, itunes (making imixes), and sleep. i must have slept 18 hours today. i have no appetite and food sounds terrible.
i'm scared.
here's my playlist for today:
You Were Right: Built to Spill// Keep It Like a Secret
Tout Doucement: Feist //Open Season
Seven Silver Curses: The Fiery Furnaces Rehearsing //My Choir
Setting Sun: The Aliens //Astronomy for Dogs Alternative
Sense Not Sense: Data Panik// Sense Not Sense
Popular Mechanics For Lovers: Beulah
Out-Side: The Beta Band// Heroes To Zeros
Mosquito: Mosquitos //Mosquitos Alternative
Major Label Debut(Fast): Broken Social Scene//E.P.
Ladyflash: The Go! Team //Thunder, Lightning, Strike
In This Home On Ice: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah// Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Rock
If You Find Yourself Caught in Love: Belle & Sebastian// Dear Catastrophe Waitress
Hey Hey: Dispatch
Goin Home: Dinosaur Jr. //Where You Been Rock
Futures & Folly: Blitzen Trapper// Wild Mountain Nation
Come Down to DC: Army of Me
Antichrist Television Blues: Arcade Fire Neon Bible
A Summer Song :Chad and Jeremy
so, here's where i'm at:
jake, in the midst of a midnight quarrel, moved all of his belongings (including his playstation 3...sux). we had been arguing--me just coming off my 3 night shifts in a row, him attempting to find a new job and get the custody battle surrounding his 5 year-old daughter rolling.
obviously there are several 'stressors' leading towards relationship spill-over drama. as my mom said, in her fruitful knowledge (and slight contempt for jake) "this is life. this isn't a rehearsal. figure out if this is too much and know that you'll be fine regardless."
he went home again last night...after another argument. this one involving sex. yes, sex. we have been fighting about that. i feel like all the sacred realms of our relationship have been breeched. my boundaries blown to pieces, his duress unrelated to our relationship have tainted the small amount of joy that was left in our lives together.
are we breaking up? am i ready for him to be out for good? should i stick it out?
all i can think about is that i am not ready for the custody battle...the courts investigating me, the $12,000 court fees, facing the bitch that is the mother of his child, meeting and potentially being an evil stepmother (not evil, but i'm sure the poor five-year old girl at the root of this battle won't be welcoming with open arms).
you know what i want to do? i want to drive to california. spend a couple days in santa monica. wear a sweater in the night pacific air, and think about all of this.
it's like i should strike while the iron is hot, i mean all his stuff is out...but i love him. we'll have been engaged for one year this week. my 29th birthday is coming up (nov. 12) and the thought of being on my own scares the shit of me (i never claimed that i wasn't co-dependent).
anyway, i'm burying myself in foreign films, itunes (making imixes), and sleep. i must have slept 18 hours today. i have no appetite and food sounds terrible.
i'm scared.
here's my playlist for today:
You Were Right: Built to Spill// Keep It Like a Secret
Tout Doucement: Feist //Open Season
Seven Silver Curses: The Fiery Furnaces Rehearsing //My Choir
Setting Sun: The Aliens //Astronomy for Dogs Alternative
Sense Not Sense: Data Panik// Sense Not Sense
Popular Mechanics For Lovers: Beulah
Out-Side: The Beta Band// Heroes To Zeros
Mosquito: Mosquitos //Mosquitos Alternative
Major Label Debut(Fast): Broken Social Scene//E.P.
Ladyflash: The Go! Team //Thunder, Lightning, Strike
In This Home On Ice: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah// Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Rock
If You Find Yourself Caught in Love: Belle & Sebastian// Dear Catastrophe Waitress
Hey Hey: Dispatch
Goin Home: Dinosaur Jr. //Where You Been Rock
Futures & Folly: Blitzen Trapper// Wild Mountain Nation
Come Down to DC: Army of Me
Antichrist Television Blues: Arcade Fire Neon Bible
A Summer Song :Chad and Jeremy