(no subject)
The sunburn on my face from Joshua Tree last weekend is peeling and it looks nasty. It's mostly towards my hair line and all that flaking skin is in my hair.
I was realizing how much has happened in the past few months of my life. A new store, a couple of deaths, marriage, a joint bank account, planning a wedding. The store I got transferred to is getting better by tiny baby steps. It's really hard work and a little more challenging than I thought it would be. I'm learning that I need to relax at work a little bit more and that I really have not tried to connect to my partners like I should have. I have a lot to do and feel kind of a lot of pressure and expectations and my response has been to be on the defensive. I realized the other day that I need to be nicer to people I work with and it's sad to realize I haven't been. I've been putting a lot on the partners to respond a certain way. If they respond negatively then they're problem partners and I don't want them. It's not that simple. Most of the people I work with are not me-their sense of responsibility to work is a lot lower. Even when I was a barista and in their shoes I did not act flakey and insubordinate so I don't get how lazy, unmotivated, and disrespectful so many people are but I need to be more patient and understanding. At most stores I've been at the partners were just plain nicer too-this is the first time I've been in a store in which the people working are kind of unwelcoming and that makes it a lot harder to connect to them. It's really hard to get people to work in our store b/c of how unpleasant it is so I know I'm not just being a bitch but I do think I could do more and I want to try to.
Anthony died 2 months ago yesterday and it feels like years ago to me. I'm definitely still struggling daily with his murder. I'm basically just fucking sad about it-plain old fashioned hurt. I talk to my sisters and get reports about the rest of my cousins and Anthony's mom and kids and it's almost always bad news or no news. I was looking at some pictures of Nana and Anthony and was struck with the reminder of their absence. In 2 weeks 2 people who have never not been there-in pictures, at birthday parties, sleeping over, sending cards-are just gone now. There will never be another memory made with them and I can't wrap my head around it. Anthony's oldest daughter turns 7 this month. It will be her first birthday without her father and with the exception of people being out of town it will be the first family birthday Anthony won't be at. Right when I found out he was murdered I couldn't stop thinking about what kind of pain he was in. Then those obsessions went away and now they're back. Everytime I see fucking Law and Order or any other show showing someone being beat up I have a mini panic attack and just see Anthony getting beaten to death. I think because I'm not there and wasn't there for either Nana or Anthony's deaths I've just been dwelling. Not that the folks at home are over it but the feelings are more dynamic. They're all trying to deal with each day and plan for the long term at the same time and all I have are a couple of phone calls saying someone died, endless sobbing and 2 funerals. I can't even bring myself to call Tia, Anthony's mom, what would I say? When I was in town that week we just cried together 95% of the time-I can't even remember the last conversation we had. There are still so many questions that no one wants to ask. Why don't we have a death certificate yet? Have there been any arrests yet? What was his official cause of death? No one wants to ask those questions and we're all dying to know the answers. I just feel shitty about all of it and don't know what to do about it. What can you do?
I was realizing how much has happened in the past few months of my life. A new store, a couple of deaths, marriage, a joint bank account, planning a wedding. The store I got transferred to is getting better by tiny baby steps. It's really hard work and a little more challenging than I thought it would be. I'm learning that I need to relax at work a little bit more and that I really have not tried to connect to my partners like I should have. I have a lot to do and feel kind of a lot of pressure and expectations and my response has been to be on the defensive. I realized the other day that I need to be nicer to people I work with and it's sad to realize I haven't been. I've been putting a lot on the partners to respond a certain way. If they respond negatively then they're problem partners and I don't want them. It's not that simple. Most of the people I work with are not me-their sense of responsibility to work is a lot lower. Even when I was a barista and in their shoes I did not act flakey and insubordinate so I don't get how lazy, unmotivated, and disrespectful so many people are but I need to be more patient and understanding. At most stores I've been at the partners were just plain nicer too-this is the first time I've been in a store in which the people working are kind of unwelcoming and that makes it a lot harder to connect to them. It's really hard to get people to work in our store b/c of how unpleasant it is so I know I'm not just being a bitch but I do think I could do more and I want to try to.
Anthony died 2 months ago yesterday and it feels like years ago to me. I'm definitely still struggling daily with his murder. I'm basically just fucking sad about it-plain old fashioned hurt. I talk to my sisters and get reports about the rest of my cousins and Anthony's mom and kids and it's almost always bad news or no news. I was looking at some pictures of Nana and Anthony and was struck with the reminder of their absence. In 2 weeks 2 people who have never not been there-in pictures, at birthday parties, sleeping over, sending cards-are just gone now. There will never be another memory made with them and I can't wrap my head around it. Anthony's oldest daughter turns 7 this month. It will be her first birthday without her father and with the exception of people being out of town it will be the first family birthday Anthony won't be at. Right when I found out he was murdered I couldn't stop thinking about what kind of pain he was in. Then those obsessions went away and now they're back. Everytime I see fucking Law and Order or any other show showing someone being beat up I have a mini panic attack and just see Anthony getting beaten to death. I think because I'm not there and wasn't there for either Nana or Anthony's deaths I've just been dwelling. Not that the folks at home are over it but the feelings are more dynamic. They're all trying to deal with each day and plan for the long term at the same time and all I have are a couple of phone calls saying someone died, endless sobbing and 2 funerals. I can't even bring myself to call Tia, Anthony's mom, what would I say? When I was in town that week we just cried together 95% of the time-I can't even remember the last conversation we had. There are still so many questions that no one wants to ask. Why don't we have a death certificate yet? Have there been any arrests yet? What was his official cause of death? No one wants to ask those questions and we're all dying to know the answers. I just feel shitty about all of it and don't know what to do about it. What can you do?