This can only end in wank...
Because I live to entertain (and
surreallis,
holdouttrout, and
beanpot *made* me!!!!!):
Let's see it guys, can we come up with 101 things that make you click the back button? These have to be the thing you will not forgive or overlook No Matter What (crackfic excluded). We shall call it Bitching in the name of Catharsis.
We can start with
beanpot's favoritest thing of all:
1. Any OC with violet eyes.
2. RandoM caPitaliZation.
3. Sam singing. Especially if she is singing well.
4. Assbaby.
5. Character bashing.
6. Sam is Jack's pathetic stalker.
7. Pete hits Sam.
8. She doesn't hit him back.
9. Presidential Pardon to shag your subordinate.
10. Jack's magical penis of supernatural healing powers.
11. Use of Danny Boy nickname. Because the damn song is a funeral dirge for and by his wife who died early.
12. Yelling via CAPSLOCK OF DOOM!!! (Exclamation points are just a bonus...)
13. Any fic where grown ups break up via passing a note. (If you think I'm kidding...)
13a. Bonus points if note is passed in Slash relationship and they both cry. A lot.
14. Adult characters with the emotional stability of a fourteen year old.
15. Any seriously-meant variation on "Vala is a whore."
16. Ditto Sam.
17. Psychic OCs who know how a situation will turn out already because it was an episode, and use their powers of persuasion to change everything.
18. Late seasons Teal'c treated like a cultural illiterate.
19. DUELING TONGUES OMG.
20. Blatant public displays of affection between two characters who are supposed to be acting professionally.
21. The phrase, "You might as well call him what he is, sir. My lover."
22. Poor grammar and punctuation.
23. Sam becomes a silly, weepy girl because Jack is Hot and Manly and Has a Penis. (Or any variation on the theme, really.)
24. BABIES. Babies that are magical and healing and solve any and all problems.
25. Sam needing a child to complete herself.
26. Sam being unable to deal with her lack of baby-making facilities, as it's the one thing that will prove her full love to Jack.
27. Kara... in any of the above, with ANY man or woman substituted for Jack.
28. Abused childhoods.
29. Incest.
30. Jack convincing or otherwise pressuring Sam to have sex with him.
31. The misplacement of body parts (three hands, penises instead of clitorises...)
32. Sam is a party girl who knows every bar in town.
33. PETE IS SAM'S EVIL STALKER UP TO NO GOOD. (fuck you, canon)
34. Sappy romance (every other reference is person thinking of other person as their "lover" or other pet names)
35. penis worship (also, anus worship)
36. Sam and Daniel are siblings
37. Daniel didn't really love Sha're - he was really in love with Jack and she was consolation prize. Ditto with Jack and Sara.
38. Anybody/Cassie (that doesn't even get far enough to get backbuttoned)
39. Characters pausing in a life-threatening situation (drowning puddlejumper, firefight, etc) to have sex
40. Any team member (not under the influence of aliens) is deliberately out to get another - backstabbing, etc with the intend to cause harm
41. Not starting a new paragraph each time a new person starts speaking.
42. portraying Jack as an overly sensitive, mushy, emo man
43. using the Asgard as intergalactic yentas
44. Sam is a virgin
45. Jack is a virgin
46. Jack crying at the drop of a hat. Or at all, really.
47. Copious use of nicknames that were only mentioned once in the entire series. (I'm looking at you, SPACEMONKEY)
48. Bad euphemisms for sex and reproductive organs. Unless they are so awesomely bad that I can add them to my list.
48a. Jack being "hung like a horse"
48b. Exact measurements
49. Four words. "Lodged. Behind. Her. Cervix." (biologically impossible sex acts)
50. Swear words with letters bleeped out. Such as D--m, h-ll, f--k.
51. absurd forced social events (like the White House throwing a mandatory costume party)
52. Sam/mini!Jack (*shudder*)
53. Cam as the caricature of a hick.
54. Chronic fear of using "said" (okay, that one makes me laugh, mostly).
55. Songfic.
56. flyboy
57. samantha/johnathon
58. people kissing two seconds after one or both vomit
59. crappy dialog
60. Major General Johnathon "Jack" O'Neill/Major Doctor Samantha Carter... we're reading fanfic, we know who these people are.
61. soft folds
62. if Jack says "kids" or "campers" one too many times
63. soaking panties
64. "Chapter 12344566" Finished:no
65. "A strange child steps through the gate and she looks remarkably familiar. WHO IS SHE AND WHERE DID SHE COME FROM!!11???!/1?!/"
66. Anything where Sam is weak and unsure and meek and submissive and what not. Rah.
66a. Sam wringing her hands and weak in the knees when Jack is hurt badly, or in the hospital. And worse, crying all over General Hammond when it happens because, see, he's the father figure.
67. In a desperate attempt to avoid repeating a character's name "too much" the author instead refers to them by their job or by random description. And this goes double in published fic.
68. "Telepathic beagles."
69. Tears during sex. I don't care HOW GOOD IT IS. NO.
70. Teal'ca/Grace/Charletta/Daniella/Georgetta/Sileretta
71. Oh, Sam's brother and wife getting killed so Sam becomes guardian, but only gets custody if she and Jack move in together so the kids have a stable family unit.
72. Any ship fic that mocks or belittles other ships.
73. Fic that is one big paragraph!
74. Fic without double-spacing between paragraphs. ONLINE IS NOT A BOOK.
75. Chapters that only have two words.
76. Sam/Vala/anyone with a vagina being raped and only sex with her twu wuv can heal all wounds and does so quickly that she suffers no repercussions. GAH!
77. "Not my best fic, but I though I'd post it anyway."
78. Any weeping body part that's not an eye. (I refer, of course, to noses.)
79. "I won't finish the story unless I get #X reviews."
80. Detailed descriptions of penises, inluding circumcision info - ICK! TMI!! particularly the use of the words "tumescent" "throbbing" or "velveteen manhood"
81. Pls R&R but only nice reviews!
82. Her blood red, ruby hued, carmine, flaming crimson, titian-tinted lips. Or any thesaurus abuse for that matter.
83. Sam (or any character) being taught a 'lesson' and repenting of their evol OTP interfering ways.
84. Articulating "Oooooooooooooh! Ooooooooooooooooooooooh! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!" during sex at any point.
85. Using the control crystals as sex toys
86. Genderbenders that serve as an excuse to emasculate the male character or turn them into a walking vagina just begging to be sexxored.
87. Cutting / emo / suicide attempts / developing an eating disorder.
88. Tealc's only line of dialogue is "Indeed."
89. I suck at summaries!
90. Having sex in a whump fic - errr... painful! Especially bullet wounds and broken limbs!
91. Author's thank you notes are an Oscar speech
92. "I really hate Jonas so I've made him go offworld on another mission so that's why he's not in my story." Bonus points if you just "forget" about Teal'c.
93. Sex involving junior. *eyebleaches*
94. More than one Wizard of Oz reference.
95. We finally meet the Furlings
96. Plz read and review!
97. Jack calling Sam "baby." Sam calling Jack "baby."
98. *~* denotes symbiote speaking/thinking
99. Indented paragraphs, Purple text, Red on black!!!!!! (DIAF!)
100. If it's posted in several parts, but the author neglects to provide follow on links and you have to freaking hunt through their LJ or tags (major pet peeve)
101. Let's play who's the babydaddy?
102. Fic posted to a ficathon or noticeboard that is archived only at FF.net
103. Baby!fic where the kiddies lisp. Even worse if it's of the 'Sam, Jack and Teal'c are turned into toddlers, how will Jack cope?' variety.
104. Pseudo rape fic. Where the woman is initially unwilling, but her body betrays her. (just... no)
105. The team avoids being burned at the stake due to a solar eclipse and Daniel's ability to exploit their superstitions.
106. 'Topical issue fic' where the author has an agenda.
107. The title is derived from 'My Immortal'
108. Really really bad attempts at regional dialects like Scottish "Ay, well I doot ye'll hae tae'en the wee bairn then"
109. Impaling, unless it's an actual sharpened stake of some kind.
101. SG-1 / Wraethu crossover. NOTHING and I mean nothing can get me to read Jack has a flower shaped penis fic.
102. Jack raping Sam because he just loves her so. damn. much.
103. To heal raped!Sam, Jack then RAPES HER AGAIN. And it is OKAY, because he loves her so. damn. much.
104. They're all big MEANIES because they never listen to Daniel! When he's right, they'll be sorry.
105. Overuse of military time for the sake of using it during their down times (away from base, at the grocery store, during pillow talk). Bonus points if the civilians are the ones using it. Double bonus points when they get it wrong and say 14 hundred hours in the morning.
106. Insecure Jack who has major doubts because of his age, and/or needs Viagra in order to perform.
107. Referring to Sam as "kitten", without a scene of unimaginable violence that follows.
108. The use of "Holy Hannah" during orgasm, or at all.
109. OT3's where Sam is the icky girl bothering Jack and Daniel.
110. Fic involving a team member handling Sam's tampons.
111. The verb "skullfucked". Just, no.
111a. The word "Bummer", after viewing a team member being "skullfucked". That rates a "Jeepers!" at least.
112. h/c where Sam is so damaged by the male bad guys that she doesn't even attempt to save herself, she just waits for Jack to come and do magical man things and then *poof!* all better.
113. hot little hands
114. offending garments (oddly, this one didn't used to bug me; then I noticed it was in *every* *single* smutfic anyone wrote in any fandom, and I got sick of the cliche.)
115. date rape (alien influence, whatever) liberating women and allowing them to let out their secret desires, thus granting them a happily ever after.
116. snug channels
117. glistening body parts. (Unless SG-1 is auditioning for Solid Gold, knock it off.)
118. Sam has never had an orgasm. (especially if Sam is somehow convinced she is incapable of having them)
surreallis,
holdouttrout, and
beanpot *made* me!!!!!):
Let's see it guys, can we come up with 101 things that make you click the back button? These have to be the thing you will not forgive or overlook No Matter What (crackfic excluded). We shall call it Bitching in the name of Catharsis.
We can start with
beanpot's favoritest thing of all:
1. Any OC with violet eyes.
2. RandoM caPitaliZation.
3. Sam singing. Especially if she is singing well.
4. Assbaby.
5. Character bashing.
6. Sam is Jack's pathetic stalker.
7. Pete hits Sam.
8. She doesn't hit him back.
9. Presidential Pardon to shag your subordinate.
10. Jack's magical penis of supernatural healing powers.
11. Use of Danny Boy nickname. Because the damn song is a funeral dirge for and by his wife who died early.
12. Yelling via CAPSLOCK OF DOOM!!! (Exclamation points are just a bonus...)
13. Any fic where grown ups break up via passing a note. (If you think I'm kidding...)
13a. Bonus points if note is passed in Slash relationship and they both cry. A lot.
14. Adult characters with the emotional stability of a fourteen year old.
15. Any seriously-meant variation on "Vala is a whore."
16. Ditto Sam.
17. Psychic OCs who know how a situation will turn out already because it was an episode, and use their powers of persuasion to change everything.
18. Late seasons Teal'c treated like a cultural illiterate.
19. DUELING TONGUES OMG.
20. Blatant public displays of affection between two characters who are supposed to be acting professionally.
21. The phrase, "You might as well call him what he is, sir. My lover."
22. Poor grammar and punctuation.
23. Sam becomes a silly, weepy girl because Jack is Hot and Manly and Has a Penis. (Or any variation on the theme, really.)
24. BABIES. Babies that are magical and healing and solve any and all problems.
25. Sam needing a child to complete herself.
26. Sam being unable to deal with her lack of baby-making facilities, as it's the one thing that will prove her full love to Jack.
27. Kara... in any of the above, with ANY man or woman substituted for Jack.
28. Abused childhoods.
29. Incest.
30. Jack convincing or otherwise pressuring Sam to have sex with him.
31. The misplacement of body parts (three hands, penises instead of clitorises...)
32. Sam is a party girl who knows every bar in town.
33. PETE IS SAM'S EVIL STALKER UP TO NO GOOD. (fuck you, canon)
34. Sappy romance (every other reference is person thinking of other person as their "lover" or other pet names)
35. penis worship (also, anus worship)
36. Sam and Daniel are siblings
37. Daniel didn't really love Sha're - he was really in love with Jack and she was consolation prize. Ditto with Jack and Sara.
38. Anybody/Cassie (that doesn't even get far enough to get backbuttoned)
39. Characters pausing in a life-threatening situation (drowning puddlejumper, firefight, etc) to have sex
40. Any team member (not under the influence of aliens) is deliberately out to get another - backstabbing, etc with the intend to cause harm
41. Not starting a new paragraph each time a new person starts speaking.
42. portraying Jack as an overly sensitive, mushy, emo man
43. using the Asgard as intergalactic yentas
44. Sam is a virgin
45. Jack is a virgin
46. Jack crying at the drop of a hat. Or at all, really.
47. Copious use of nicknames that were only mentioned once in the entire series. (I'm looking at you, SPACEMONKEY)
48. Bad euphemisms for sex and reproductive organs. Unless they are so awesomely bad that I can add them to my list.
48a. Jack being "hung like a horse"
48b. Exact measurements
49. Four words. "Lodged. Behind. Her. Cervix." (biologically impossible sex acts)
50. Swear words with letters bleeped out. Such as D--m, h-ll, f--k.
51. absurd forced social events (like the White House throwing a mandatory costume party)
52. Sam/mini!Jack (*shudder*)
53. Cam as the caricature of a hick.
54. Chronic fear of using "said" (okay, that one makes me laugh, mostly).
55. Songfic.
56. flyboy
57. samantha/johnathon
58. people kissing two seconds after one or both vomit
59. crappy dialog
60. Major General Johnathon "Jack" O'Neill/Major Doctor Samantha Carter... we're reading fanfic, we know who these people are.
61. soft folds
62. if Jack says "kids" or "campers" one too many times
63. soaking panties
64. "Chapter 12344566" Finished:no
65. "A strange child steps through the gate and she looks remarkably familiar. WHO IS SHE AND WHERE DID SHE COME FROM!!11???!/1?!/"
66. Anything where Sam is weak and unsure and meek and submissive and what not. Rah.
66a. Sam wringing her hands and weak in the knees when Jack is hurt badly, or in the hospital. And worse, crying all over General Hammond when it happens because, see, he's the father figure.
67. In a desperate attempt to avoid repeating a character's name "too much" the author instead refers to them by their job or by random description. And this goes double in published fic.
68. "Telepathic beagles."
69. Tears during sex. I don't care HOW GOOD IT IS. NO.
70. Teal'ca/Grace/Charletta/Daniella/Georgetta/Sileretta
71. Oh, Sam's brother and wife getting killed so Sam becomes guardian, but only gets custody if she and Jack move in together so the kids have a stable family unit.
72. Any ship fic that mocks or belittles other ships.
73. Fic that is one big paragraph!
74. Fic without double-spacing between paragraphs. ONLINE IS NOT A BOOK.
75. Chapters that only have two words.
76. Sam/Vala/anyone with a vagina being raped and only sex with her twu wuv can heal all wounds and does so quickly that she suffers no repercussions. GAH!
77. "Not my best fic, but I though I'd post it anyway."
78. Any weeping body part that's not an eye. (I refer, of course, to noses.)
79. "I won't finish the story unless I get #X reviews."
80. Detailed descriptions of penises, inluding circumcision info - ICK! TMI!! particularly the use of the words "tumescent" "throbbing" or "velveteen manhood"
81. Pls R&R but only nice reviews!
82. Her blood red, ruby hued, carmine, flaming crimson, titian-tinted lips. Or any thesaurus abuse for that matter.
83. Sam (or any character) being taught a 'lesson' and repenting of their evol OTP interfering ways.
84. Articulating "Oooooooooooooh! Ooooooooooooooooooooooh! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!" during sex at any point.
85. Using the control crystals as sex toys
86. Genderbenders that serve as an excuse to emasculate the male character or turn them into a walking vagina just begging to be sexxored.
87. Cutting / emo / suicide attempts / developing an eating disorder.
88. Tealc's only line of dialogue is "Indeed."
89. I suck at summaries!
90. Having sex in a whump fic - errr... painful! Especially bullet wounds and broken limbs!
91. Author's thank you notes are an Oscar speech
92. "I really hate Jonas so I've made him go offworld on another mission so that's why he's not in my story." Bonus points if you just "forget" about Teal'c.
93. Sex involving junior. *eyebleaches*
94. More than one Wizard of Oz reference.
95. We finally meet the Furlings
96. Plz read and review!
97. Jack calling Sam "baby." Sam calling Jack "baby."
98. *~* denotes symbiote speaking/thinking
99. Indented paragraphs, Purple text, Red on black!!!!!! (DIAF!)
100. If it's posted in several parts, but the author neglects to provide follow on links and you have to freaking hunt through their LJ or tags (major pet peeve)
101. Let's play who's the babydaddy?
102. Fic posted to a ficathon or noticeboard that is archived only at FF.net
103. Baby!fic where the kiddies lisp. Even worse if it's of the 'Sam, Jack and Teal'c are turned into toddlers, how will Jack cope?' variety.
104. Pseudo rape fic. Where the woman is initially unwilling, but her body betrays her. (just... no)
105. The team avoids being burned at the stake due to a solar eclipse and Daniel's ability to exploit their superstitions.
106. 'Topical issue fic' where the author has an agenda.
107. The title is derived from 'My Immortal'
108. Really really bad attempts at regional dialects like Scottish "Ay, well I doot ye'll hae tae'en the wee bairn then"
109. Impaling, unless it's an actual sharpened stake of some kind.
101. SG-1 / Wraethu crossover. NOTHING and I mean nothing can get me to read Jack has a flower shaped penis fic.
102. Jack raping Sam because he just loves her so. damn. much.
103. To heal raped!Sam, Jack then RAPES HER AGAIN. And it is OKAY, because he loves her so. damn. much.
104. They're all big MEANIES because they never listen to Daniel! When he's right, they'll be sorry.
105. Overuse of military time for the sake of using it during their down times (away from base, at the grocery store, during pillow talk). Bonus points if the civilians are the ones using it. Double bonus points when they get it wrong and say 14 hundred hours in the morning.
106. Insecure Jack who has major doubts because of his age, and/or needs Viagra in order to perform.
107. Referring to Sam as "kitten", without a scene of unimaginable violence that follows.
108. The use of "Holy Hannah" during orgasm, or at all.
109. OT3's where Sam is the icky girl bothering Jack and Daniel.
110. Fic involving a team member handling Sam's tampons.
111. The verb "skullfucked". Just, no.
111a. The word "Bummer", after viewing a team member being "skullfucked". That rates a "Jeepers!" at least.
112. h/c where Sam is so damaged by the male bad guys that she doesn't even attempt to save herself, she just waits for Jack to come and do magical man things and then *poof!* all better.
113. hot little hands
114. offending garments (oddly, this one didn't used to bug me; then I noticed it was in *every* *single* smutfic anyone wrote in any fandom, and I got sick of the cliche.)
115. date rape (alien influence, whatever) liberating women and allowing them to let out their secret desires, thus granting them a happily ever after.
116. snug channels
117. glistening body parts. (Unless SG-1 is auditioning for Solid Gold, knock it off.)
118. Sam has never had an orgasm. (especially if Sam is somehow convinced she is incapable of having them)