Some Are Punching Back
I need to learn to relax.
Today, before linguistics, I sat in the FLB and read the homework while I waited for class to start. I thought the articles were really interesting, so I went over to Doug (who was also waiting) and we started having a discussion about our opinions of the reading. It was a really good discussion, and I was enjoying it. Then Kenny showed up, and all of the sudden it was like I wasn't even there. I just sat there and watched them talk, while several times I tried to make interjections and was talked right over. I was kind of astounded when Doug actually quoted me - right in front of me - instead of letting me talk about my own opinions. Another girl from our class - Anna - came over and gave me a knowing look as I tried over and over again to become involved in the conversation that I had started in the first place.
This all really wasn't so bad. I mean, Kenny's really forceful when he's talking about something, and he doesn't usually let other people talk anyway. But after class, instead of walking back with me like he normally does, he and Doug basically left without me, despite my best efforts to get involved with their conversation again. I fell behind and they just walked on ahead until they were like six feet ahead of me, at which point I got tired of feeling like I wasn't allowed in the boys' club and I crossed the street to get away from them.
Basically, I felt invisible. Like I didn't have anything worthwhile to say, or like I wasn't even there at all - it was very frustrating, and I got really mad. Kenny was pretty much in the doghouse and I chewed him out when he got home, but he just apologized... and I could tell he was sincere, so how could I continue to be mad?
Actually, it was disarming. I'm not used to people admitting they were wrong and apologizing to me when I get upset at them for something. Weird, isn't it? But that's how it is with almost all of my other friends. I mean, I can't really place my finger on why I was mad. I know that I was frustrated that I couldn't get a word in edgewise - and it was a conversation that I was pretty interested/emotionally invested in - but it was more than that, too. I felt like there was some tangible reason that I was excluded. Like maybe it was some kind of Platonic 'men-only' discussion, or maybe they didn't think I understood what they were talking about. Maybe they thought I was stupid or something. Those are the kind of thoughts I had. After the fact Kenny admitted that he didn't really know why I was excluded, and he said that either of those things were possible on a subconscious level. But I feel like from pretty much anyone else, I would have gotten flak about how it was stupid of me to be angry or whatever. I guess I'm grateful that he tried to be understanding, even though I couldn't really explain why I was upset. And it was good of him to apologize.
So, that aside, I guess I still don't know if I had a right to be mad. But it doesn't really matter. Sometimes people make other people into doormats - it just happens. It's hard to live in the world and always give everyone proper respect without becoming a doormat yourself. I can't deal, because I'm me and I can't deal with anything. So if I can, the best thing to do is try to be assertive and try not to take it personally.
In other news, Erika and Steve's wedding is this weekend, which I am totally psyched about. It's going to be a whirlwind of a weekend, but hopefully it will be good times for all, and I'll get to hang with my sister and Carlos. I haven't started my new job yet, because my boss is on vacation, but that will get rolling soon. I've been getting sick to my stomach a *lot* for some reason, and it's really not cool... my stomach's been so weak that I've been afraid to take my iron pills, which can't be good (could also explain why I'm sleeping like 10 hours a night). So I'll probably be seeing a doctor about that when I get back from home. Aaand... I guess that's about all... I hope everyone reading this is doing good, and I hope you all have great weekends.
Keep smiling!
Today, before linguistics, I sat in the FLB and read the homework while I waited for class to start. I thought the articles were really interesting, so I went over to Doug (who was also waiting) and we started having a discussion about our opinions of the reading. It was a really good discussion, and I was enjoying it. Then Kenny showed up, and all of the sudden it was like I wasn't even there. I just sat there and watched them talk, while several times I tried to make interjections and was talked right over. I was kind of astounded when Doug actually quoted me - right in front of me - instead of letting me talk about my own opinions. Another girl from our class - Anna - came over and gave me a knowing look as I tried over and over again to become involved in the conversation that I had started in the first place.
This all really wasn't so bad. I mean, Kenny's really forceful when he's talking about something, and he doesn't usually let other people talk anyway. But after class, instead of walking back with me like he normally does, he and Doug basically left without me, despite my best efforts to get involved with their conversation again. I fell behind and they just walked on ahead until they were like six feet ahead of me, at which point I got tired of feeling like I wasn't allowed in the boys' club and I crossed the street to get away from them.
Basically, I felt invisible. Like I didn't have anything worthwhile to say, or like I wasn't even there at all - it was very frustrating, and I got really mad. Kenny was pretty much in the doghouse and I chewed him out when he got home, but he just apologized... and I could tell he was sincere, so how could I continue to be mad?
Actually, it was disarming. I'm not used to people admitting they were wrong and apologizing to me when I get upset at them for something. Weird, isn't it? But that's how it is with almost all of my other friends. I mean, I can't really place my finger on why I was mad. I know that I was frustrated that I couldn't get a word in edgewise - and it was a conversation that I was pretty interested/emotionally invested in - but it was more than that, too. I felt like there was some tangible reason that I was excluded. Like maybe it was some kind of Platonic 'men-only' discussion, or maybe they didn't think I understood what they were talking about. Maybe they thought I was stupid or something. Those are the kind of thoughts I had. After the fact Kenny admitted that he didn't really know why I was excluded, and he said that either of those things were possible on a subconscious level. But I feel like from pretty much anyone else, I would have gotten flak about how it was stupid of me to be angry or whatever. I guess I'm grateful that he tried to be understanding, even though I couldn't really explain why I was upset. And it was good of him to apologize.
So, that aside, I guess I still don't know if I had a right to be mad. But it doesn't really matter. Sometimes people make other people into doormats - it just happens. It's hard to live in the world and always give everyone proper respect without becoming a doormat yourself. I can't deal, because I'm me and I can't deal with anything. So if I can, the best thing to do is try to be assertive and try not to take it personally.
In other news, Erika and Steve's wedding is this weekend, which I am totally psyched about. It's going to be a whirlwind of a weekend, but hopefully it will be good times for all, and I'll get to hang with my sister and Carlos. I haven't started my new job yet, because my boss is on vacation, but that will get rolling soon. I've been getting sick to my stomach a *lot* for some reason, and it's really not cool... my stomach's been so weak that I've been afraid to take my iron pills, which can't be good (could also explain why I'm sleeping like 10 hours a night). So I'll probably be seeing a doctor about that when I get back from home. Aaand... I guess that's about all... I hope everyone reading this is doing good, and I hope you all have great weekends.
Keep smiling!