Takers
Wooo hey guys I'm baaaaack! No fic, but I do have a rambling attempt to explain the movie Takers because apparently it's funny! And yes, I'm cautiously poking some fic ideas again, so hopefully fic will be occurring again soon enough.
BOOM.
So. Takers.
Well, first there are cops driving around and talking and you're like "DUDE GTFO AND GIVE ME MY SEXY MENS THAT I WANT TO STARE AT", and then there's some nonsense with the aforementioned sexy mens being like "LOL WE'RE BADASS AND WE'RE AWESOME AT OUR JOB, WHICH IS TO TAKE SHIT FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE MONEY THAT WE WOULD RATHER LIKE TO HAVE FOR OURSELVES" and then they rob a bank and then Anakin Skywalker I mean AJ jacks a news helicoptor and they all fly away like "WOOOO WE'RE BADASS" and a rival news chopper flies past like "LOL THEY'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY THEY'RE A SUCKY CHANNEL" and we're all like "OR MAYBE YOU'RE AN ANNOYING DOUCHEY MCDOUCHEFACE, MR. DOUCHEY NEWS DUDE." And then the Takers (it's not really a title so much as a job description, but fuck that shit, they're a superhero team now) land the chopper and blow that shit up and walk away from the explosion looking like the GQMFs they are and then they all drive away in their sweet sweet rides and yeah.
And then like. Like. TI, I mean Ghost, gets out of prison, and Paul Walker is swimming naked with some ladies and you get to see his butt and then Ghost is at John's, Paul Walker's, house, and he's drinking his uh whiskey or scotch or fuck if I know but yeah, and then like. Ghost has a job and everyone's like "IDK IF WE CAN TRUST GHOST MAN" but Gordon, that's Idris Elba, and YOU GET TO SEE HIM WEARING NOTHING BUT SKIMPY LITTLE RED BRIEFS DUDE OKAY IDE IDE IDRIS ELBA'S JUNK IDRIS ELBA'S JUNK BTW GUYS IDRIS ELBA WOULD BE MUMBLES FROM ROCKNROLLA IN CASE YOU FORGOT he's like "NO LET'S GIVE HIM A CHANCE" and uhhh... well.
Then the movie's like. IDK. Shit's happening with a job to jack money from a cash truck and Zoe Saldana's dating Chris Brown's brother even though she used to be with Ghost, and Gordon's sister is a crackhead, and a cop has a son on dialysis and he's dirty to get money to pay for that, and his partner no not like that is a horrible daddy who takes his daughter along to investigate known dangerous criminals because idk he's a dumbass.
And then there's like a bike that stops them from whooshing the cash truck under the ground but then Paul Walker makes it work anyways and then Ghost is like "DAAAAMN" and like. IDE. It's the greatest "DAAAAMN" ever. OF. ALL. TIME. It's in that trailer up there at some point. Marvel at the glory.
And then shit goes down and Chris Brown is eating ice cream and staring at a blonde chick's ass and then he shoots the dirty cop oh wait but we only just learned he's dirty sorry I told you that early and then like. Okay.
Then Ghost betrays everyone to the Russians, who got them the route for the cash truck, and we reach the portion of the movie which I think should be entitled:
"EVERYONE YOU HAVE EVER CARED ABOUT IS DYING IN HORRIBLE AND TRAGIC WAYS TO A SOUNDTRACK OF MUTED GUNSHOTS, SLOWED DOWN SCREAMING DIALOGUE, OVERLY LOUD TEARJERKINGLY SAD MUSIC, AND FAR TOO MANY ECHOES. YOU WILL BE TEMPTED NOT TO GET A LITTLE TEARY BECAUSE IT IS SO CHEESY, BUT IN THE END YOU WILL FEEL AS THOUGH YOU MIGHT CRY, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT SURVIVE THE FIRST COUPLE DEATHS, THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE TO COME."
It's a long title, I know, but run with it.
So yeah. AJ dies SOBS he dies trying to save everyone and just SOBS SOBS SOBS.
And then uhhhh lemme think. Oh! Then Chris Brown and his brother go back to the bar that I forgot to tell you the guys own because they're rich GQMFs and find Zoe Saldana dead and then they don't wanna go to jail and the cops are surrounding their place so they grab some like assault rifles or something and commit suicide by cop and just. THE SADNESS. SOBS. But maybe Chris Brown will stop singing now, so there's the silver lining I guess. Not that he was singing in the movie, just in general.
And then like. Goddamn. Who even shot whom? IDK. Gordon and John went for the money that the accountant was taking to idk one of those countries in the Caribbean or something where you stick dirty money. You know the ones. But so Ghost is after that accountant and Gordon gets there and like the accountant's dead so then he and Ghost and the bad daddy cop and up pointing guns at each other and I think everyone gets shot but I think John, Paul Walker remember, shot someone too idk? So then basically Ghost is dead, the cop is calling for help and he might be dying, Paul Walker is fine and driving an SUV full of suitcases of money to the airport with Gordon's crackhead sister in the back and Gordon who's been shot and may or may not be about to die or something like that?
And then the credits roll. *nod*
Main point: watch this movie. It doesn't matter if you aren't paying attention, because it doesn't really make sense anyways, but there are sexy men wearing INTENSELY FINE CLOTHES, there are badass explosions, and TI says "DAAAAAMN" in a really epic way. A+++++++
BOOM.
So. Takers.
Well, first there are cops driving around and talking and you're like "DUDE GTFO AND GIVE ME MY SEXY MENS THAT I WANT TO STARE AT", and then there's some nonsense with the aforementioned sexy mens being like "LOL WE'RE BADASS AND WE'RE AWESOME AT OUR JOB, WHICH IS TO TAKE SHIT FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE MONEY THAT WE WOULD RATHER LIKE TO HAVE FOR OURSELVES" and then they rob a bank and then Anakin Skywalker I mean AJ jacks a news helicoptor and they all fly away like "WOOOO WE'RE BADASS" and a rival news chopper flies past like "LOL THEY'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY THEY'RE A SUCKY CHANNEL" and we're all like "OR MAYBE YOU'RE AN ANNOYING DOUCHEY MCDOUCHEFACE, MR. DOUCHEY NEWS DUDE." And then the Takers (it's not really a title so much as a job description, but fuck that shit, they're a superhero team now) land the chopper and blow that shit up and walk away from the explosion looking like the GQMFs they are and then they all drive away in their sweet sweet rides and yeah.
And then like. Like. TI, I mean Ghost, gets out of prison, and Paul Walker is swimming naked with some ladies and you get to see his butt and then Ghost is at John's, Paul Walker's, house, and he's drinking his uh whiskey or scotch or fuck if I know but yeah, and then like. Ghost has a job and everyone's like "IDK IF WE CAN TRUST GHOST MAN" but Gordon, that's Idris Elba, and YOU GET TO SEE HIM WEARING NOTHING BUT SKIMPY LITTLE RED BRIEFS DUDE OKAY IDE IDE IDRIS ELBA'S JUNK IDRIS ELBA'S JUNK BTW GUYS IDRIS ELBA WOULD BE MUMBLES FROM ROCKNROLLA IN CASE YOU FORGOT he's like "NO LET'S GIVE HIM A CHANCE" and uhhh... well.
Then the movie's like. IDK. Shit's happening with a job to jack money from a cash truck and Zoe Saldana's dating Chris Brown's brother even though she used to be with Ghost, and Gordon's sister is a crackhead, and a cop has a son on dialysis and he's dirty to get money to pay for that, and his partner no not like that is a horrible daddy who takes his daughter along to investigate known dangerous criminals because idk he's a dumbass.
And then there's like a bike that stops them from whooshing the cash truck under the ground but then Paul Walker makes it work anyways and then Ghost is like "DAAAAMN" and like. IDE. It's the greatest "DAAAAMN" ever. OF. ALL. TIME. It's in that trailer up there at some point. Marvel at the glory.
And then shit goes down and Chris Brown is eating ice cream and staring at a blonde chick's ass and then he shoots the dirty cop oh wait but we only just learned he's dirty sorry I told you that early and then like. Okay.
Then Ghost betrays everyone to the Russians, who got them the route for the cash truck, and we reach the portion of the movie which I think should be entitled:
"EVERYONE YOU HAVE EVER CARED ABOUT IS DYING IN HORRIBLE AND TRAGIC WAYS TO A SOUNDTRACK OF MUTED GUNSHOTS, SLOWED DOWN SCREAMING DIALOGUE, OVERLY LOUD TEARJERKINGLY SAD MUSIC, AND FAR TOO MANY ECHOES. YOU WILL BE TEMPTED NOT TO GET A LITTLE TEARY BECAUSE IT IS SO CHEESY, BUT IN THE END YOU WILL FEEL AS THOUGH YOU MIGHT CRY, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT SURVIVE THE FIRST COUPLE DEATHS, THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE TO COME."
It's a long title, I know, but run with it.
So yeah. AJ dies SOBS he dies trying to save everyone and just SOBS SOBS SOBS.
And then uhhhh lemme think. Oh! Then Chris Brown and his brother go back to the bar that I forgot to tell you the guys own because they're rich GQMFs and find Zoe Saldana dead and then they don't wanna go to jail and the cops are surrounding their place so they grab some like assault rifles or something and commit suicide by cop and just. THE SADNESS. SOBS. But maybe Chris Brown will stop singing now, so there's the silver lining I guess. Not that he was singing in the movie, just in general.
And then like. Goddamn. Who even shot whom? IDK. Gordon and John went for the money that the accountant was taking to idk one of those countries in the Caribbean or something where you stick dirty money. You know the ones. But so Ghost is after that accountant and Gordon gets there and like the accountant's dead so then he and Ghost and the bad daddy cop and up pointing guns at each other and I think everyone gets shot but I think John, Paul Walker remember, shot someone too idk? So then basically Ghost is dead, the cop is calling for help and he might be dying, Paul Walker is fine and driving an SUV full of suitcases of money to the airport with Gordon's crackhead sister in the back and Gordon who's been shot and may or may not be about to die or something like that?
And then the credits roll. *nod*
Main point: watch this movie. It doesn't matter if you aren't paying attention, because it doesn't really make sense anyways, but there are sexy men wearing INTENSELY FINE CLOTHES, there are badass explosions, and TI says "DAAAAAMN" in a really epic way. A+++++++