Dreams. What are you trying to tell me? That I don't already know...
It's like even my dreams are telling me to get real, to accept what is already there. Okay, I've acknowledged it. I know it's there already.
But why was my dream so suggestive (no, not the sexual kind)? Why did it have to keep my hopes up when I was trying to quell them? Or forget about them? Why did it have to fuel both my longing and frustration?
I used to think having a crush was okay. I still think it is. But then, I become clingy, as if I need the not-so-constant-but-more-than-sometimes attention. I become obvious; that much is clear. I eventually give myself away.
Then I get hurt.
Which, of course, I don't want.
But it's there.
So I pull back. Pull back into myself until I wish I could not feel anything anymore. Just because I won't get hurt that way.
I said having a crush was a hassle. It is. Because of that. Because I always get hurt. And I'm so tired, tired of the frustration, the wondering, the hoping.
The kilig feelings are fun for the moment. But when you get to the root... what's the point?
I know I'm gonna end up disappointed, anyway.
So why bother?
I don't know, really. I don't know.
I'm so confused.
I don't want to think about it. But I do. I always do. Which led to these dreams.
And they leave me even more confused.