land mines and the danger of the livejournal archive

[anne_man]

oops, i told paul my livejournal name and he went randomly browsing through my archive when he was bored... and ended up reading a bunch of my more depressing entries from last year (when i was depressed) and the summer before that, when i was enraged for two months. Because he was reading it (he told me he was), i went reading through it too, and found some of the ones i'd forgotten, and some of the ones i hadn't. like the day my cats died. it's funny seeing those kinds of things written... i think everyone has land mine moments when you're walking down the street and all of a sudden, you're thinking about something terrible from your past. but it was weird having him point out some of the bad ones to me. maybe percentage-wise there are more bad ones than good ones, because there's only about half a year's worth of happy entries, many of which were deleted, and over a year of sad and angry ones. So i guess i just need to keep writing when i'm happy. but he's already said he's not reading it again, even the new ones. which makes me sad as well, because it made him so sad that he doesn't want to end up reading any of them ever again. Boo. there are some entries i really like. but i understand why he won't read it again. he says its because he doesn't want me thinking that he'll read it every time i write in it, which i appreciate. but it's also sad. or maybe, all so sad. i guess that's what a hard year does. But it's not fresh to me, it's all things i've gotten upset about and also gotten over. but fresh eyes on it made things a little weird.

anyway, i've gotta get back to the essaying, and then the dinnering and partying. This content's too heavy for livejournal.