Do you ever just feel like you don't belong?
I sit at home, and I feel lost. I don't know any of them anymore. By them, I mean my family. I go to work, I eat up in my room, do my homework, talk to Des and Tony, and ignore them because I hate to have to see what they've turned to. But did they really "turn" to anything? I remember when I was younger, lying in my bed at night, waiting to see the lights reflected from the car headlights, my signal to finally be able to sleep. I felt like I didn't matter enough for them to ever be home. I felt useless, pointless, like nothing mattered to them but themselves, and that's the truth. My dad only cares about my mom; and mom hates him. It's a sick, sick family that would take way too long to explain. Anyway, going back to what I was talking about, I've just recently realized that I am nothing like anyone in my family (with the exception of those not living in the house: Kass...) I try everyday to force myself to see the world like they do, but I can't. I hate the way they don't care about their own kids, their own blood. I hate the way most of them are a bunch of drunks, and jake, my kid brother, is slowly turning into one of them. I used to think he was the only one who understood, the only one who had the same feelings as I did, the only one who cared. The house's a mess and so is everyone else....as stupid as it sounds, when Kassie lived here, at least I had someone there....someone who could atleast partially play the role of a parent. But she too had to leave, and I can't wait till I can too. I never want to come back here, I never want to see how sick my dad is (physically, mentally, and emotionally), I never want to see how far my mom goes on not caring, I don't want to see my brothers fall into the same entrapment that they already are (ie: not caring, not understanding what a real family is...they're terrors). All I hope is for the best of them....I want them to get good jobs, to have a good family...I want them to know that I care, but I just...I feel like it's too late. They probably hate me because I shut myself away in my own little world...ugh. I care about them, I do....but I don't know if they'll ever know....I love all of them...I'm just so......lost......