booo
i don't know why i've been in such a bad mood lately. maybe it's because my birthday's over and i feel that i don't have anything to look forward to--you know like a low after a really big high...but kelli's birthday is coming up, and spring break, so it's not like nothing fun is going on! i think part of it is being stressed about school and always being constantly busy and not having any time during the week. but i also feel bad about myself right now. i think i've changed a lot this year, and not all in a good way. i know it's good to make mistakes and experiment so you know who you are more and learn and become a better person...but i hate feeling htat i've changed myself for someone else, and i hate thinking htat i've become more shallow, materialistic, and less spiritual, helpful, and loving. i feel like i don't know who i am anymore because i change myself so much--like i have a bunch of different masks that i wear around different people, and none of it is real. i'm just being silly and overdramatic i know, haha, i sound like i'm some messed up fifteen year old. and can someone please tell me why every guy that i like says that he doesn't want a relationship right now, that he can't commit, and then goes out and finds someone else? what is it about me that turns them away? probably being as insecure as i am doesn't help, or obsessive, or manic-depressive. haha. oh well. obviously taht is one thing contributing to this bad mood, but i've felt down a lot lately. maybe it's seasonal affect disorder or whatever that is. i don't even know. i hate thinking about stupid shit all the time instead of what's really important--like helping other people and making a difference and just being loving to everyone that you know. i really think that i've lost a lot of that idealism, or at lesat i forget it a lot of the time. i guess we all make mistakes, hopefully this is just a phase.