(no subject)
this semester has been crazy already. i feel so out of myself, i just can't be happy with myself right now, i don't know why not. i feel like i don't know what i'm doing, what i want, and i don't feel good about anything. i'm excited for my birthday and for some of my classes, but i feel like i'm not doing anything with my life. i haven't been volunteering much, the diversion project is going okay but not as well as i hoped, my classes are okay but i'm already overwhelmed/stressed. i love seeing everyone again and hanging out, but i was so lazy when i was home that i didn't see half hte people i wnated to, and now i feel like i can't see everyone i want to here either. blahhhh. i don't know why i'm in this funk.
plus, i guess it's a case of be careful what you wish for. i had this fantasy, and it was fun and great, but somehwat disappointing--maybe because its over, or maybe because nothing else is going to happen...i'm not upset it happened, i'm happy, but not as happy as i thought i would be. i want more, and not necessarily dating (although that would be honestly a dream come true), but just to be friends. i feel like whenever i like a guy, we can never end up as friends--why not??? i always see something great in these guys, so why can't i be friends with them later? damn i suck sometimes. and i feel like i'm being judgmental in a way, and unconfident and just assuming that nothing will happen. but i hate getting hurt, and i hate getting my hopes up. even with friendship. i guess i shouldn't be so scared of it all, and just let things go. why is it so hard for me to let go--why do i always want a stronger connection?
and sex is bothering me. i know it's a big deal to a lot of people, and i respect that. i don't think that's a bad thing. but it sucks for me that because i don't do anything, most guys probably won't wnat to date me. i think i'm being too hard on guys for that, and overgeneralizing because i know a lot of awesome guys who wait and are so understanding of all that. i guess i'm just stuck in the present right now and can't see the future. i get too wrapped up in my own thoughts and feel like i absolutely have to do something RIGHT NOW, or else it will never happen. i can never jsut get myself to calm down and let things happen, or not worry about something. i hate that part about me. man.
good talk. :)
plus, i guess it's a case of be careful what you wish for. i had this fantasy, and it was fun and great, but somehwat disappointing--maybe because its over, or maybe because nothing else is going to happen...i'm not upset it happened, i'm happy, but not as happy as i thought i would be. i want more, and not necessarily dating (although that would be honestly a dream come true), but just to be friends. i feel like whenever i like a guy, we can never end up as friends--why not??? i always see something great in these guys, so why can't i be friends with them later? damn i suck sometimes. and i feel like i'm being judgmental in a way, and unconfident and just assuming that nothing will happen. but i hate getting hurt, and i hate getting my hopes up. even with friendship. i guess i shouldn't be so scared of it all, and just let things go. why is it so hard for me to let go--why do i always want a stronger connection?
and sex is bothering me. i know it's a big deal to a lot of people, and i respect that. i don't think that's a bad thing. but it sucks for me that because i don't do anything, most guys probably won't wnat to date me. i think i'm being too hard on guys for that, and overgeneralizing because i know a lot of awesome guys who wait and are so understanding of all that. i guess i'm just stuck in the present right now and can't see the future. i get too wrapped up in my own thoughts and feel like i absolutely have to do something RIGHT NOW, or else it will never happen. i can never jsut get myself to calm down and let things happen, or not worry about something. i hate that part about me. man.
good talk. :)