Good greif
Last week we did our "end of life" unit of lectures. While it was a more emotionally charged topic (or perhaps, *because* it was) I was looking forward to the change of pace from the usual diabetes, diarrhea and drugs.
The lecture that I found the most moving and relevant was the lecture on grief. From my classmates' reactions, I would venture that others may have felt similarly moved. The lecture began with watching a short video depicting a family who had a little girl with Tay-Sachs Disease. A clip that they then showed again that our instructor said "encapsulated the meaning of grief" showed the father, holding back tears at the memory, "we had to say good bye to the life we thought we were going to have. We had to learn to live in the new normal." On such a tragic level, down to just a simple change of plans, the instructor explained, humans have a very hard time dealing with things that don't go according to plan, have a hard time adjusting to change, and have a hard time dealing with loss.
While this lecture was geared specifically toward grief in terms of bereavement, the idea spoke to me on a much broader level. Our notes for the lecture included a list of types of losses much broader than the loss of a loved one (which was on the list, of course):
Loss of some aspect of the self (physical, mental, self-esteem or identity)
Age related losses (leaving home, loss of hair, teeth, youth, beauty, retirement, loss of lifestyle)
Symbolic losses/Role loss (spouse, parent, sibling, family structure, loss of future plans and dreams)
Limbo-state losses (awaiting the outcome of medical tests, having a relative MIA, time after a lovers quarrel)
Loss of a loved one (death, separation, divorce, etc)
Loss of a treasured object (house, home, car, wallet, ring)
Geographic (moves)
Seasonal Losses (sun)
Career Losses
As this list points out, we are all grieving more often then we might let on, or that society might allow us to be. The first step in reconciling grief is to acknowledge the loss, but so often we are taught to not see these things as a loss. For example, in a divorce, the divorcees are often told things like "you're better off anyway," or to look at it as a "gain of single-hood." Both of which may be true, but if the loss is not acknowledged, it can never be fully dealt with. Likewise, children are told to not worry because "its not your fault" or "its just the way it has to be" or, again "its better this way." Again, it very well may be better the way things turned out. But, as the instructor pointed out, acknowledging the loss of a reality, and coming to terms with the "new normal" whether it is with the physical death of a young child or dealing with the symbolic loss of a dream another form is very difficult. What is a child if not a dream? And what is a dream if its loss is not grieved?
And as he said, in what will certainly be one of the only things I remember from lectures word for word, "when someone gets married, everyone loses."
Of course, he meant that a mother or father is losing a certain type of relationship with her daughter or son, friends are likely going to be spending a lot less time with that person that they did, for example, when they were their college roommate. Even the bride and groom being married (while they certainly want to be married to each other) are losing being single, and certain other aspects of their lives.
Sometimes it isn't as hard as the death of a loved one, and sometimes grief can be felt for something that isn't purely tragic. And realizing that its okay to be upset about a loss, even those less traditional losses...its like the fresh air of spring: promising greener days.
The lecture that I found the most moving and relevant was the lecture on grief. From my classmates' reactions, I would venture that others may have felt similarly moved. The lecture began with watching a short video depicting a family who had a little girl with Tay-Sachs Disease. A clip that they then showed again that our instructor said "encapsulated the meaning of grief" showed the father, holding back tears at the memory, "we had to say good bye to the life we thought we were going to have. We had to learn to live in the new normal." On such a tragic level, down to just a simple change of plans, the instructor explained, humans have a very hard time dealing with things that don't go according to plan, have a hard time adjusting to change, and have a hard time dealing with loss.
While this lecture was geared specifically toward grief in terms of bereavement, the idea spoke to me on a much broader level. Our notes for the lecture included a list of types of losses much broader than the loss of a loved one (which was on the list, of course):
Loss of some aspect of the self (physical, mental, self-esteem or identity)
Age related losses (leaving home, loss of hair, teeth, youth, beauty, retirement, loss of lifestyle)
Symbolic losses/Role loss (spouse, parent, sibling, family structure, loss of future plans and dreams)
Limbo-state losses (awaiting the outcome of medical tests, having a relative MIA, time after a lovers quarrel)
Loss of a loved one (death, separation, divorce, etc)
Loss of a treasured object (house, home, car, wallet, ring)
Geographic (moves)
Seasonal Losses (sun)
Career Losses
As this list points out, we are all grieving more often then we might let on, or that society might allow us to be. The first step in reconciling grief is to acknowledge the loss, but so often we are taught to not see these things as a loss. For example, in a divorce, the divorcees are often told things like "you're better off anyway," or to look at it as a "gain of single-hood." Both of which may be true, but if the loss is not acknowledged, it can never be fully dealt with. Likewise, children are told to not worry because "its not your fault" or "its just the way it has to be" or, again "its better this way." Again, it very well may be better the way things turned out. But, as the instructor pointed out, acknowledging the loss of a reality, and coming to terms with the "new normal" whether it is with the physical death of a young child or dealing with the symbolic loss of a dream another form is very difficult. What is a child if not a dream? And what is a dream if its loss is not grieved?
And as he said, in what will certainly be one of the only things I remember from lectures word for word, "when someone gets married, everyone loses."
Of course, he meant that a mother or father is losing a certain type of relationship with her daughter or son, friends are likely going to be spending a lot less time with that person that they did, for example, when they were their college roommate. Even the bride and groom being married (while they certainly want to be married to each other) are losing being single, and certain other aspects of their lives.
Sometimes it isn't as hard as the death of a loved one, and sometimes grief can be felt for something that isn't purely tragic. And realizing that its okay to be upset about a loss, even those less traditional losses...its like the fresh air of spring: promising greener days.