Aaargh!!!
So, I've been to the doctor and of course his answer to everything was 'tension'. The headaches, the pain in my chest, the stings, the small skin problems, the pounding heart, the tiredness, the short breath, whatever the problem; tension. My somewhat high bloodpressure (150/91) and my fast heartbeat (107); tension. Except for this small spot on my leg that looks like a small burn, just bigger than a needle head, that has been there for months and just won't go away; that's nothing to worry about.
But I still worry. For all of it.
And I even forgot to tell him that my ears have been bothering me since my flight back from the UK and are probably holding fluid inside that shouldn't be there.
So for all of this tension he gave me something called Oxazepam, which is an anxiety/tension relief and relaxes the muscles. Quite alot. For two nights in a row now I haven't been able to watch my two favourite series. Simply because I am suddenly fast asleep. Reminds me of the stuff when in Spain... I am not sure whether it helps. My chest still seems to feel a bit sore at times from the stings two days ago, I am still slightly short breathed, my headaches linger lightly on the surface trying to get through, but he, at least I am sleeping well.
For the headaches he gave me an anti-migraine pill, as I said what it could be then; tension headache or migraine? His simple answer was; Try this anti-migraine pill. If it works, it's migraine, if it doesn't it's tension headache. Right... Ok... Fine... Except for the fact it says that you can't take that pill if you've got any type of heart problems at all or muscular problems and I am still not convinced that I don't and that it's all just tension. So I don't dare to try out that one...
So where am I except for somewhat more relaxed on an artificial level?
Nowhere. I am still short breathed, my heart is still pounding, I feel on edge, I feel like I can cry at a single wrong word, every little thing feels like I am in the way, that it's my fault, that I can't do anything right. I feel detached, like my head is in a constant blurr (and that's not 'cos of the Oxazepam, actually it makes it feel slightly more clear) and nothing seems to be right. My body is complaining for the fact my emotions get stuck inside and I feel like on both sides nothing's being done. Great...
I met up with Meidi yesterday which was fun as per usual, with the only slight difference that it didn't do for me what it normally does, which is make me feel slightly euphoric and happy. It was nice at the moment, though it didn't reach me as it usually does and I felt clouded and anxious, so I took an Oxazepam (My second only; the first one before that had been more than 12 hours ago), which rendered me more at ease, but it didn't do a thing for me feeling slightly detached from it all. We ate pancakes and chatted as usual and walked around arm in arm, which felt nice, someone by my side, someone who was not complaining about me in any way, and then we went into the cinema, where we just sat on the couch in the hall, not intending to watch a movie at all, but just wanting to eat popcorn and sit on a comfy couch. And then she had to go again. We gave a tight hug and we both went on our way again. But normally when I see her I am bouncy with happiness for seeing her. I was still happy to see her, though I missed that bounciness.
She was wearing a lovely new coat and though jealousy is not a nice thing, there it was slightly, because I can't afford a new coat, while I've been wearing mine at least 4 years now and I had to mend the lining in all sorts of places and even the outside by the sleeve. It's falling apart and I'd love a new coat but I can't afford it. It still looks ok enough from a distance, but it's not even properly black anymore and even though it still makes me feel ok to wear it, it also makes me feel a bit tattered at the same time.
And a good friend of mine has a piano which I can store in my flat for free, since he has no place for it at this moment, so I can finally learn to play, but I don't live ground level, so it costs about 350 Euros to get it here and I don't have that. So my dream of having a piano, if only for a few months or a year, maybe two, is being stoned to death by the fact that yes, I can't afford it...
Also the problem with the radiators has not been solved yet, I need to borrow money from my creditcard again to pay my rent, they told me to call the glass maker myself but I already did 4 times before and I am still waiting for their call to fix my storage window, somehow I was thrown out of the collective health insurance deal and now I need to solve that too, my friends in the store are asking if I can fill in for work one or two days but I don't feel up to anything at the moment, so that means disappointing them, I am feeling so depressed that I can hardly get through the days, my dishes are stacking because I can't get myself to wash them, my bedroom looks the same because of the clothing, I need to clean the house again, but I keep postponing and I am not in any mood to get dressed nicely and if I do, it just doesn't do it for me anymore. And these are just a few of the problems.
Tjeesssss tension... I wonder where it could come from...
But I still worry. For all of it.
And I even forgot to tell him that my ears have been bothering me since my flight back from the UK and are probably holding fluid inside that shouldn't be there.
So for all of this tension he gave me something called Oxazepam, which is an anxiety/tension relief and relaxes the muscles. Quite alot. For two nights in a row now I haven't been able to watch my two favourite series. Simply because I am suddenly fast asleep. Reminds me of the stuff when in Spain... I am not sure whether it helps. My chest still seems to feel a bit sore at times from the stings two days ago, I am still slightly short breathed, my headaches linger lightly on the surface trying to get through, but he, at least I am sleeping well.
For the headaches he gave me an anti-migraine pill, as I said what it could be then; tension headache or migraine? His simple answer was; Try this anti-migraine pill. If it works, it's migraine, if it doesn't it's tension headache. Right... Ok... Fine... Except for the fact it says that you can't take that pill if you've got any type of heart problems at all or muscular problems and I am still not convinced that I don't and that it's all just tension. So I don't dare to try out that one...
So where am I except for somewhat more relaxed on an artificial level?
Nowhere. I am still short breathed, my heart is still pounding, I feel on edge, I feel like I can cry at a single wrong word, every little thing feels like I am in the way, that it's my fault, that I can't do anything right. I feel detached, like my head is in a constant blurr (and that's not 'cos of the Oxazepam, actually it makes it feel slightly more clear) and nothing seems to be right. My body is complaining for the fact my emotions get stuck inside and I feel like on both sides nothing's being done. Great...
I met up with Meidi yesterday which was fun as per usual, with the only slight difference that it didn't do for me what it normally does, which is make me feel slightly euphoric and happy. It was nice at the moment, though it didn't reach me as it usually does and I felt clouded and anxious, so I took an Oxazepam (My second only; the first one before that had been more than 12 hours ago), which rendered me more at ease, but it didn't do a thing for me feeling slightly detached from it all. We ate pancakes and chatted as usual and walked around arm in arm, which felt nice, someone by my side, someone who was not complaining about me in any way, and then we went into the cinema, where we just sat on the couch in the hall, not intending to watch a movie at all, but just wanting to eat popcorn and sit on a comfy couch. And then she had to go again. We gave a tight hug and we both went on our way again. But normally when I see her I am bouncy with happiness for seeing her. I was still happy to see her, though I missed that bounciness.
She was wearing a lovely new coat and though jealousy is not a nice thing, there it was slightly, because I can't afford a new coat, while I've been wearing mine at least 4 years now and I had to mend the lining in all sorts of places and even the outside by the sleeve. It's falling apart and I'd love a new coat but I can't afford it. It still looks ok enough from a distance, but it's not even properly black anymore and even though it still makes me feel ok to wear it, it also makes me feel a bit tattered at the same time.
And a good friend of mine has a piano which I can store in my flat for free, since he has no place for it at this moment, so I can finally learn to play, but I don't live ground level, so it costs about 350 Euros to get it here and I don't have that. So my dream of having a piano, if only for a few months or a year, maybe two, is being stoned to death by the fact that yes, I can't afford it...
Also the problem with the radiators has not been solved yet, I need to borrow money from my creditcard again to pay my rent, they told me to call the glass maker myself but I already did 4 times before and I am still waiting for their call to fix my storage window, somehow I was thrown out of the collective health insurance deal and now I need to solve that too, my friends in the store are asking if I can fill in for work one or two days but I don't feel up to anything at the moment, so that means disappointing them, I am feeling so depressed that I can hardly get through the days, my dishes are stacking because I can't get myself to wash them, my bedroom looks the same because of the clothing, I need to clean the house again, but I keep postponing and I am not in any mood to get dressed nicely and if I do, it just doesn't do it for me anymore. And these are just a few of the problems.
Tjeesssss tension... I wonder where it could come from...