Dichotomy
Maybe it's just me but I feel like if you can't cry AND laugh with someone, you can't be truly close to them. If you can't embrace the good and the bad with that person and brave them both...
It makes me think about how often enough when people come to polyamory, be it intentional or by accident, some are looking to fill gaps. They divide people into categories, like this person being good for a shoulder to cry on while another person is better for partying with. I'm sure these concepts work for people but it doesn't work for me. I've had plenty of friendships like that where I felt that I could go to one person over another for emotional support and then someone else when I just wanted to have fun. But ultimately it's the person who has my emotional needs met that I stick with. Because when it comes down to it, I want to be able to party with you and cry with you. I want to trust you with my deepest and most fearsome thoughts and then I want to be able to drink vodka and giggle with you.
This is why I love being with E. I can have those things from him and it doesn't need to be a choice, I feel bad I go to him, I feel happy, I go to him.
With J., I never felt I had the emotional connection and I think it's because what we did have was very underdeveloped and un-nurtured. It was easier for her to just focus on the good, the movies, the giggling, the talking about men...things she felt like she couldn't share with Erik. And it was part of the reason I always felt like her best friend and not her girlfriend. The difference here being, with the best friend you're not obligated to really divulge how you feel if you don't want to. But with a girlfriend, you have to make that extra work so the relationship can thrive, not just survive.
The thing is, the only thing stopping her was herself. Ok, sure she probably wouldn't have had the giggling over girly movies and I'm not saying that it's not ok to have some activities you do with one person that you don't do with another. What I am saying is that you don't need to pigeon hole someone in a category. When this happened, I felt like I wasn't good enough to be trusted with that aspect of herself. And the truth is, I wasn't enough man to be that for her. She's had so many men in her life that have become her safety net, she never quite figured out what to do with me.
And I'm left feeling like I should be grateful to be the sunshine to her rain cloud but instead I just feel guilty because I feel jilted.
We had the laughs but the crying never felt naturally. I never got to the point where I felt comfortable feeling vulnerable with her. And it's not that she wouldn't act somewhat concerned is that it felt like she was never emotionally invested enough to be there entirely.
Sometimes I wonder what could have been if we kept at this longer. Would she have changed or would she'd have always gone to Erik when she needed that support? Or am I just down playing how much our laughter really meant to her?
I'm fine with being someone's sunshine. I just want to be cared about/loved/trusted enough to be the shoulder to cry on as well. It may sound silly to some, but it means a great deal to me when you show me something deeper inside.
But then again, that's just me...
It makes me think about how often enough when people come to polyamory, be it intentional or by accident, some are looking to fill gaps. They divide people into categories, like this person being good for a shoulder to cry on while another person is better for partying with. I'm sure these concepts work for people but it doesn't work for me. I've had plenty of friendships like that where I felt that I could go to one person over another for emotional support and then someone else when I just wanted to have fun. But ultimately it's the person who has my emotional needs met that I stick with. Because when it comes down to it, I want to be able to party with you and cry with you. I want to trust you with my deepest and most fearsome thoughts and then I want to be able to drink vodka and giggle with you.
This is why I love being with E. I can have those things from him and it doesn't need to be a choice, I feel bad I go to him, I feel happy, I go to him.
With J., I never felt I had the emotional connection and I think it's because what we did have was very underdeveloped and un-nurtured. It was easier for her to just focus on the good, the movies, the giggling, the talking about men...things she felt like she couldn't share with Erik. And it was part of the reason I always felt like her best friend and not her girlfriend. The difference here being, with the best friend you're not obligated to really divulge how you feel if you don't want to. But with a girlfriend, you have to make that extra work so the relationship can thrive, not just survive.
The thing is, the only thing stopping her was herself. Ok, sure she probably wouldn't have had the giggling over girly movies and I'm not saying that it's not ok to have some activities you do with one person that you don't do with another. What I am saying is that you don't need to pigeon hole someone in a category. When this happened, I felt like I wasn't good enough to be trusted with that aspect of herself. And the truth is, I wasn't enough man to be that for her. She's had so many men in her life that have become her safety net, she never quite figured out what to do with me.
And I'm left feeling like I should be grateful to be the sunshine to her rain cloud but instead I just feel guilty because I feel jilted.
We had the laughs but the crying never felt naturally. I never got to the point where I felt comfortable feeling vulnerable with her. And it's not that she wouldn't act somewhat concerned is that it felt like she was never emotionally invested enough to be there entirely.
Sometimes I wonder what could have been if we kept at this longer. Would she have changed or would she'd have always gone to Erik when she needed that support? Or am I just down playing how much our laughter really meant to her?
I'm fine with being someone's sunshine. I just want to be cared about/loved/trusted enough to be the shoulder to cry on as well. It may sound silly to some, but it means a great deal to me when you show me something deeper inside.
But then again, that's just me...