everything's a novelty; everything grows but Me
so it's been a while. and to no avail, not much is new. yet!
alli, sean, and myself have kind of just been celebrating their escape from what they've experienced their entire lives i guess is how i would put it. we've been staying up late, hanging out with people to get them settled, doing ordinary and also extraordinary things to shake it up and start them off with a bang. it has been a lot of fun, and i've enjoyed how well we've all clicked in terms of living together, being around each other, and doing things simultaneously. chemistry is an unpredictable thing even in the face of anticipation and the desire to make things work; to see everything fall into place nicely is beyond relieving, and i'm glad it's all worked out thus far.
and as long as it's seemed to finally come, and for how long anticipation has burned, finally gwen gets here within the next 2 dayssssss. i really can't wait with the way everything's been lately, and admittedly i have been stressed in trying to get everything ready to optimize her stay in terms of finding a newer, better job or making OG work better in terms of hours and money made; i haven't made much progress. it sucks i'm stuck working (typically) 6 days a week at primetime hours; but with about 1000 dollars a month in just rent and car payments, nevermind the small shit, it's not really optional. her time here is gonna be sweet nonetheless, and i cannot wait to see her in that baggage area at LAX and for the coming months together thereafter.
and everything else, mentally, emotionally, just really kinda sucks lately. i've had this sudden feeling of just, detachment. no matter what friends i try to hang out with (excluding roomiessss), or social situation i attempt to attend and enjoy and fit in, i just feel, outcast. i'm glad alli and sean are here to be those guaranteed friends who ive known forever and know i can enjoy myself around, because no one else gives me a feeling of true friendliness anymore and it just, really sucks.
and the other thing killing me lately is, the future. on allllllllll kinds of levels. i truly believe in fate and god at this point, but, what is my purpose? just to hit the tip of the iceberg in my thought process it's like, i look at myself. and how i fucked my grades up in school. and how i've skipped out on school for over a year now, and it's like; what is my ultimate, to-the-point, purpose in life? i look at myself, and try to list off skills, knowledge, talent, connections, experience, or ANYTHING beneficial that would hint to what to do with my life and career and everything, and i see nothing. everyone i see has a goal, or a talent, or talents, or a plan of some sort, or is on their way to figuring it out at the VERY least. and what do i have; less than 2 years of experience GIVING PEOPLE FOOD, no talent, no college credits.
it makes me feel so fucking lethargic i cant even stand it. the mirror screams for some sense of reason and i get a blank stare from my reflection. i've lived a quarter of my life trying to find myself, my centre, what makes ME tick, i moved 3000 miles away to chip at it, and i'm more clueless to it than anyone else i know even still. thinking about it makes me sick; and feeling lost just digs the hole even deeper.
i dont care if anyone reads this because its truly necessary for my own well being to vent this and dump all over myself to get this train outta the station. i'm stuck in this incessant, detrimental cycle of constant work without much saved, learned, planned, or to show for in my year+ out here. it's sad. i believe in set paths and meant-to-be kinda shit, so who knows what my next big, obligatory step will be in life (if there is one at all). i just hope it gives me some sense of insight as to where the hell i belong, because i sure don't right now.