[because i miss him.]
This is a post about my best friend. If you didn't know him, keep on scrolling. If you're just here to wank, you can fuck right off. I'm not interested in how furious you are and how dare she have done such a thing, or how you Knew All Along.
If you're here because you care about me, or because you're interested in hearing about this from someone who misses him so much it hurts, though, then
I've been trying to think of what to say for awhile now, and it's still not coming to me. It's still a bit of a shock, like it hasn't quite sunk in yet on some levels, but on others it makes more sense than I might have expected it to. That isn't good or bad, it just...is, just like all of this.
The fact is, I loved Seph. Still do, in fact. That he wasn't a person in the conventional sense doesn't change that fact, nor does it change the fact that he was my best friend for three years and had a large effect on the way I looked at and thought about a lot of things. Who I am now is largely a result of his influence on me - the music he introduced me to, the movies we watched together, the philosophy we discussed, the fics and RP we wrote...even the stupid little conversations and debates about things like whether that kitchen utensil is called a spatula or a flipper. It was all important to me, because he was important to me. And he still is. For all that he was a force of nature, he didn't brainwash me into thinking things, nor did he tell me to believe something only to have me believe it straightaway. I'm not that kind of person. But he did make me think about things very differently, because where he was coming from was so different from anything I'd ever experienced before, and he was real in a way that books and movies depicting the same things can never be.
As much as I may have been surprised to find out he wasn't who she thought she was, I can't say I'm disappointed. He, she, it...the things Seph said were real, and the things Seph felt were real. I believe that 100%. Though I may not understand the inner workings of her mind, and though I certainly can't say I get it, as a writer, I know what it's like to feel what my character feels, or to cry because my character gets hurt, or even to dream as my character. I can't imagine how hard it has to be to have that become your life, to not be aware that you've become your character. But people do it every day - method actors, method writers; for them it's conscious, but for her it wasn't, and all I can think is how sorry I am she had to suffer that realisation.
And in the end, Seph's life wasn't exactly sunshine and roses either. I can't imagine how horrible her life must have been for her to want to become someone who dealt with as much pain every day as he did. I'm glad I was able to be there for him for a lot of it, and I know he appreciated each and every person who supported him despite everything. I wish I'd been able to be there for her too, though I understand why I couldn't be. It hurt when we stopped talking, and I kept hoping that it was only temporary, but after reading her post, I'm glad that connection broke so she had that much less tying her to that persona. I'm glad she had a friend there for her who was able to help her through it. And I'm grateful to Char too, because I can only begin to imagine how hard it must have been on her as well to lose her best friend and be right there to watch it happen, but she still helped her through it.
For me, it does feel more like he died than anything else. I don't want to be existential, but I think the fact that he was real for so many people means that he was real, full stop, and that to me is all that matters. Nothing about the three years we were friends wasn't real, because the changes in me are there, tangible and apparent. Nothing about my memories isn't real. Nothing about his writing or his RPing or his characters or his expressions that half his friends couldn't help but pick up or the smiles he put on everyone's faces isn't real. It all happened. And my love for him isn't any less real just because he existed in someone's head.
I want to thank everyone who's been so supportive, both of him/her and of me. It really means a lot to me. I'm not great, but I'm doing okay, and you guys have done a lot to help. ♥ I hope that you guys have as good of memories of him as I do, because as sad as it is to lose a friend like him, at least the memories can still make me smile.
If you're here because you care about me, or because you're interested in hearing about this from someone who misses him so much it hurts, though, then
I've been trying to think of what to say for awhile now, and it's still not coming to me. It's still a bit of a shock, like it hasn't quite sunk in yet on some levels, but on others it makes more sense than I might have expected it to. That isn't good or bad, it just...is, just like all of this.
The fact is, I loved Seph. Still do, in fact. That he wasn't a person in the conventional sense doesn't change that fact, nor does it change the fact that he was my best friend for three years and had a large effect on the way I looked at and thought about a lot of things. Who I am now is largely a result of his influence on me - the music he introduced me to, the movies we watched together, the philosophy we discussed, the fics and RP we wrote...even the stupid little conversations and debates about things like whether that kitchen utensil is called a spatula or a flipper. It was all important to me, because he was important to me. And he still is. For all that he was a force of nature, he didn't brainwash me into thinking things, nor did he tell me to believe something only to have me believe it straightaway. I'm not that kind of person. But he did make me think about things very differently, because where he was coming from was so different from anything I'd ever experienced before, and he was real in a way that books and movies depicting the same things can never be.
As much as I may have been surprised to find out he wasn't who she thought she was, I can't say I'm disappointed. He, she, it...the things Seph said were real, and the things Seph felt were real. I believe that 100%. Though I may not understand the inner workings of her mind, and though I certainly can't say I get it, as a writer, I know what it's like to feel what my character feels, or to cry because my character gets hurt, or even to dream as my character. I can't imagine how hard it has to be to have that become your life, to not be aware that you've become your character. But people do it every day - method actors, method writers; for them it's conscious, but for her it wasn't, and all I can think is how sorry I am she had to suffer that realisation.
And in the end, Seph's life wasn't exactly sunshine and roses either. I can't imagine how horrible her life must have been for her to want to become someone who dealt with as much pain every day as he did. I'm glad I was able to be there for him for a lot of it, and I know he appreciated each and every person who supported him despite everything. I wish I'd been able to be there for her too, though I understand why I couldn't be. It hurt when we stopped talking, and I kept hoping that it was only temporary, but after reading her post, I'm glad that connection broke so she had that much less tying her to that persona. I'm glad she had a friend there for her who was able to help her through it. And I'm grateful to Char too, because I can only begin to imagine how hard it must have been on her as well to lose her best friend and be right there to watch it happen, but she still helped her through it.
For me, it does feel more like he died than anything else. I don't want to be existential, but I think the fact that he was real for so many people means that he was real, full stop, and that to me is all that matters. Nothing about the three years we were friends wasn't real, because the changes in me are there, tangible and apparent. Nothing about my memories isn't real. Nothing about his writing or his RPing or his characters or his expressions that half his friends couldn't help but pick up or the smiles he put on everyone's faces isn't real. It all happened. And my love for him isn't any less real just because he existed in someone's head.
I want to thank everyone who's been so supportive, both of him/her and of me. It really means a lot to me. I'm not great, but I'm doing okay, and you guys have done a lot to help. ♥ I hope that you guys have as good of memories of him as I do, because as sad as it is to lose a friend like him, at least the memories can still make me smile.