Almost a year…
Dear Dad,
As I prepare for my pilgrimage home for your death anniversary, I am struck by how quickly this year has passed. There were weeks where I really lost track of time and the calendar on my fridge didn’t actually change for 2 months.
It’s been a crazy year, learning to handle mum without you, sorting out Lishan’s life for her as you have asked. There were days when I can barely manage to hold myself up, and even now I still have days when I just don’t want to face the world because I don’t think I could. And yet, each day I have to plod forward because if I don’t, things don’t get done, life still goes on and bills still need to get paid.
To say I miss you would be a huge understatement. While some days felt like I have just forgotten to call you for a very long time, or one of those times when I was throwing a tantrum, other days I feel so helpless because you’re the one I usually talk to who understands me and gives me weird but somewhat deep advice - or politically incorrect ones.
I have to make the decisions you used to make, but without the wisdom that you have built up over the years - which makes me doubt myself some times and made me so scared to do some stuff.
This past year, I have done so many things and also so many “nothings”. I finally hanker down and started on my nursing degree while setting Lishan up for a diploma that I think is within her field of interest. I have organised therapies to help her get better at handling life - but, as you have said, it’s one small step for a very long (yet over due) process.
I found Lishan a job thanks to my friends, enrolled her in a bunch of things and I think she has made some new friends thanks to that. There are some days where I worry because she doesn’t say or do things the right way. Thankfully, people are incredibly forgiving and helpful towards her, so I am hopeful that in the long term, she won’t as lonely as you feared she might be.
I have also given some of your books to the local Chinese Medicine Library. I can only say, I am SO thankful you use to write and read in traditional chinese. The nice old man from the library only sends me text messages in traditional chinese and I had a hard time trying to understand his very formal, polite responses. We are still sorting out the rest and will hopefully get at least half of those out when I return in August. I am, however, holding on to your Da Yan Gong book and some of your older TCM books, as well as anything that english that at least I can read. I know your love for TCM, and you know my love for western medicine. It will take me a life time to read your books that I am more interested in spending it reading Grey’s Anatomy.
I think that would make for a fantastic life time of discussion though, should we ever meet again.
There are still more books left belonging in the other categories of your favourite topics in life, such as wushu and buddhism/taoism. I have no idea who to give those to nor who would want them. There’s too many of them in the house with virtually no one being able to read them. I know you wouldn’t want them to go to waste.
By the way, I found your very questionable collection and have thrown them away. While I have NO IDEA why you have those things, and I need no explanation, I would imagine you wouldn’t want people’s last memories of you as them.
I went home for chinese new year and for the first time, actually bothered to turn up to visit my own relatives instead of my friends on my own.
I guess, what I am trying to say in this very long and rambling mail is that we had our tough times trying to deal with our loss as a family and yet, we have started moving on. There are days when this is hard, small steps and few steps backwards at time, but we are moving forward and there’s nothing for you to worry about. I am still a long way from fulfilling my promise to you entirely - but the promise I made wasn’t some thing that’s done and dusted, it’s a long continuous process of looking after my sister, our bonds and family.
There’s a lot of repairing that needs to be done first, and I know I suck at it, but it is getting done and even I am amazed.
So thanks for everything dad, and I will come see you in August.
Lihuan
Current Mood: thoughtful
