walk with me for a moment, will you?
Got an email from a very influential person from my past.
Curt Harlow came to my dad's church when I was 11/12. I was instantly drawn to this man and his personality. Funny, a story teller, a joker. But he could be totally serious as well. He was the youth pastor at New Covenant (my dad's church) for just over a year. And when he left...gosh, my world fell apart. For all the crap I went through before the age of six, I never really dealt with any of the abandonment issues until after Curt left. (that gets explained a bit later). He wrote me randomly a few days ago, saying that God had brought me into his mind and he had begun praying for me.
Now, he left when I was...12/13. I'm now 24. so, at a minimum of 12 years has gone by without much of a word from him. And I don't say this in anger, I say this in fact. I'm not angry with Curt or with God. Life is life and life takes us crazy places.
Well, something he said made me think. And It's what I do...think, that is. So, grab some popcorn...or maybe a seatbelt? Because here I go with the inner monologue of rambley me. - This is the email/message I sent him back.
Part way through I felt like I wanted to put this somewhere other people could read it to get a glimpse of the inner workings of me. A piece of my past, shall we say.
So, if it sounds like I'm writing it to someone, I am.
--
I don't know a lot of the specifics and/or politics of what happened when the you guys left Oak Harbor.
Hm. I don't like the way that last sentence reads either. You guys leaving seems so...cold. And I know it wasn't. Or if it was, you guys never made it feel/look so. It *was* cold for me in a sense that I didn't know what to do with someone I'd managed to let myself get really close to leaving. But when I look back, I don't remember you or Kelly (his wife) doing anything that actually made anything look bad. It was the circumstances that I had a hard time with. In all reality, if it hadn't been you, it would have been the next person I allowed myself to get close to leaving, you know?
But I've now made the conversation about me, this was and is not my intention. I was around during this time, so if there are "I/me statements" understand that it's just what I remember about the time as I was there.
I've never asked my dad or anyone at the church about why you guys took off. I remember when you told the youth that you believed God had called you to...Missouri I think it was. The state that's MO...I think.
From my perspective, you saying "God had called you" felt...hm,
pause.
I feel like this is a completely tender topic and I really don't want to make you feel bad. I understand that life takes us in SO many different directions and that you and Kelly were doing what you believed was right! I believe that God *did* bring you to Oak Harbor and into peoples lives there just as much as He brought you to Missouri and into those peoples lives as well. So, anything I say about my personal reactions, know that I was a really screwed up and confused 12/13 year old. Okay, disclaimer, round two done.
unpause
I got really angry at God for several years after the Harlows left Oak Harbor. In my head, you saying you believed God had called you to leave Oak Harbor screwed-uply translated to God had called you to leave me. Thus, the *very* angry at God for taking you away part of my life. I never translated the anger onto you for following God. I mean, how could I do that? I grew up knowing/being taught that God called people to do crazy things all the time. Almonds growing on staffs, Moses bring people out of Egypt, etc etc.
I've never asked about *your* experience with all that happened in Oak Harbor and what lead to you leaving. I think at the time, if I would have asked it would have been too...misunderstood.
One time I was talking with Janet (next door neighbor/my Godmother) about all the leaders who had come in and out of New Covenant. After you left I remember feeling like people just kept leaving! For the longest time I had a list of people who had left. I hardly remember it now, but most of them left also stating God had 'called' them elsewhere. This, obviously, did nothing to help my anger at God.
Anyway, Janet and I started talking about people being man appointed vs being God appointed. And that it was often very difficult to tell who a person had been appointed by. That concept has always stuck with me.
Now, maybe it was the circumstances and my emotional responses after you left, But Andrew (the youth pastor who came in after you) had a *really* hard time with the youth at New Covenant.
I remember times when he would get so frustrated with not knowing how to connect to the youth. I think we were all looking for another Curt. Thus, not giving Andrew a chance to be himself and to accept his way of connecting with the youth. One night he literally broke down in front of a few of us and said, "I can't be Curt! I will never be Curt and I don't know how to combat his ghost!"
This was...an intense moment. In my teenage anger, I silently agreed with what he said but simply tried to play the good role of accepting pastors kid. I mean, I wasn't allowed to show that I was just as unhappy as the rest of the youth at all. Now, gosh, I pray for them a lot. It was a really rough situation that he came into.
This is the crazy,self focused, semi bad stuff.
Now let me tell you about the good stuff.
There were a lot of college age people who stepped up to work with the youth after you left - Scott and Melissa Goldman, Steve Nagel... Your calling is with the college age group. I truly believe this. You have the mind and the gift to reach their minds and consciousness. Teenagers are close enough to the college age that I think you also have a way of connecting with them. But, I really do believe that you left because high school and middle school isn't your specific calling.
It was my time to learn that just because a person leaves, they aren't leaving me. It took years to learn that lesson. I think you were just the first of many that I had to experience that with. My life and my perspective on people now is totally different. Now I try to do damage control on how many people I may make feel that I'm leaving them.
It's hard though! I have moved around a lot in the past two years. I've been to PA and back. And I've noticed that PA *really* changed me. The relationship I had there also really changed me. The other day I was on the phone with an old coworker, and she wanted me to validate her emotional response to how badly her life was going. Well, I may not be the friend to call when you need that. I've become much more of a, "Gather all data possible, examine the problem - not the symptoms - and then work what *can* be impacted. Whether that be changing myself, my social group, my geographical location, etc." I am still a very emotional person, but I've been learning how not to live by my emotions and feelings and how to bring logic and reason into choices and behavior.
Well, when I didn't give this friend the answer she wanted, she was *shocked* and outright said, "You used to be the best person to go to for advice!" and when I responded that I had changed a lot, her bitter response was, "Yes. You have." essentially the end of the conversation.
The thing is, maybe this sounds cold hearted, but I don't so much care? My life is better this way, and regressing back into over emotionally responding to bad circumstances wasn't really going to help anything. In fact, when one is constantly stressed, no matter what they do, maybe the issue isn't the world around them, maybe the issue is the person who's constantly stressed. Maybe if that person changed their responses and interactions with the world, the stresses would suddenly slow to trot instead of a steady emerald downs race pace.
Good news is, I was able to get her attention back by softening my logic and what I was saying instead of coming on so harsh. The conversation actually ended on a better note.
so, that's a lot of information for you that is only somewhat relevant to where I started...
I love to write, and I LOVE to share some of my inter workings with people.
I shall end this note to say that I have always wanted and wished that you and I would be able to have a positive and blessed relationship at some point. Feel free to share your half of the New Covenant experience. As I stated, I always enjoy having new and more accurate data to assimilate into my memories.
You are a curious and precious creature.
I'd love to pick your brain, I think.
Everyone gets busy. I'm busy a lot these days myself. So, I don't so much care if you're quick to respond. I am just blessed that, at some point, you will respond.
~katrina
Now, I italicized the last three lines of the message because I want each of you to know that I believe this across the board. I am not an 'acquaintance' person. I don't do light relationships. I like to dig deep. I like to share experiences. I like to hear about the bad stuff more than the good - to be honest. I like the hard stuff. I like the trials that you've come through. I don't share this livejournal with just everyone.
It's not for everyone. It's for my circle of trust. If you're on this list, you were invited in, or I was okay with you seeing this piece of me.
I don't censor myself here because this is my safe place.
I'm honest. I'm real. I'm silly. I'm crazy. Sometimes offensive. Sometimes sad. I'm me.
And I appreciate every comment I get from each of you as well.
You are all loved.
~katrina
Curt Harlow came to my dad's church when I was 11/12. I was instantly drawn to this man and his personality. Funny, a story teller, a joker. But he could be totally serious as well. He was the youth pastor at New Covenant (my dad's church) for just over a year. And when he left...gosh, my world fell apart. For all the crap I went through before the age of six, I never really dealt with any of the abandonment issues until after Curt left. (that gets explained a bit later). He wrote me randomly a few days ago, saying that God had brought me into his mind and he had begun praying for me.
Now, he left when I was...12/13. I'm now 24. so, at a minimum of 12 years has gone by without much of a word from him. And I don't say this in anger, I say this in fact. I'm not angry with Curt or with God. Life is life and life takes us crazy places.
Well, something he said made me think. And It's what I do...think, that is. So, grab some popcorn...or maybe a seatbelt? Because here I go with the inner monologue of rambley me. - This is the email/message I sent him back.
Part way through I felt like I wanted to put this somewhere other people could read it to get a glimpse of the inner workings of me. A piece of my past, shall we say.
So, if it sounds like I'm writing it to someone, I am.
--
I don't know a lot of the specifics and/or politics of what happened when the you guys left Oak Harbor.
Hm. I don't like the way that last sentence reads either. You guys leaving seems so...cold. And I know it wasn't. Or if it was, you guys never made it feel/look so. It *was* cold for me in a sense that I didn't know what to do with someone I'd managed to let myself get really close to leaving. But when I look back, I don't remember you or Kelly (his wife) doing anything that actually made anything look bad. It was the circumstances that I had a hard time with. In all reality, if it hadn't been you, it would have been the next person I allowed myself to get close to leaving, you know?
But I've now made the conversation about me, this was and is not my intention. I was around during this time, so if there are "I/me statements" understand that it's just what I remember about the time as I was there.
I've never asked my dad or anyone at the church about why you guys took off. I remember when you told the youth that you believed God had called you to...Missouri I think it was. The state that's MO...I think.
From my perspective, you saying "God had called you" felt...hm,
pause.
I feel like this is a completely tender topic and I really don't want to make you feel bad. I understand that life takes us in SO many different directions and that you and Kelly were doing what you believed was right! I believe that God *did* bring you to Oak Harbor and into peoples lives there just as much as He brought you to Missouri and into those peoples lives as well. So, anything I say about my personal reactions, know that I was a really screwed up and confused 12/13 year old. Okay, disclaimer, round two done.
unpause
I got really angry at God for several years after the Harlows left Oak Harbor. In my head, you saying you believed God had called you to leave Oak Harbor screwed-uply translated to God had called you to leave me. Thus, the *very* angry at God for taking you away part of my life. I never translated the anger onto you for following God. I mean, how could I do that? I grew up knowing/being taught that God called people to do crazy things all the time. Almonds growing on staffs, Moses bring people out of Egypt, etc etc.
I've never asked about *your* experience with all that happened in Oak Harbor and what lead to you leaving. I think at the time, if I would have asked it would have been too...misunderstood.
One time I was talking with Janet (next door neighbor/my Godmother) about all the leaders who had come in and out of New Covenant. After you left I remember feeling like people just kept leaving! For the longest time I had a list of people who had left. I hardly remember it now, but most of them left also stating God had 'called' them elsewhere. This, obviously, did nothing to help my anger at God.
Anyway, Janet and I started talking about people being man appointed vs being God appointed. And that it was often very difficult to tell who a person had been appointed by. That concept has always stuck with me.
Now, maybe it was the circumstances and my emotional responses after you left, But Andrew (the youth pastor who came in after you) had a *really* hard time with the youth at New Covenant.
I remember times when he would get so frustrated with not knowing how to connect to the youth. I think we were all looking for another Curt. Thus, not giving Andrew a chance to be himself and to accept his way of connecting with the youth. One night he literally broke down in front of a few of us and said, "I can't be Curt! I will never be Curt and I don't know how to combat his ghost!"
This was...an intense moment. In my teenage anger, I silently agreed with what he said but simply tried to play the good role of accepting pastors kid. I mean, I wasn't allowed to show that I was just as unhappy as the rest of the youth at all. Now, gosh, I pray for them a lot. It was a really rough situation that he came into.
This is the crazy,self focused, semi bad stuff.
Now let me tell you about the good stuff.
There were a lot of college age people who stepped up to work with the youth after you left - Scott and Melissa Goldman, Steve Nagel... Your calling is with the college age group. I truly believe this. You have the mind and the gift to reach their minds and consciousness. Teenagers are close enough to the college age that I think you also have a way of connecting with them. But, I really do believe that you left because high school and middle school isn't your specific calling.
It was my time to learn that just because a person leaves, they aren't leaving me. It took years to learn that lesson. I think you were just the first of many that I had to experience that with. My life and my perspective on people now is totally different. Now I try to do damage control on how many people I may make feel that I'm leaving them.
It's hard though! I have moved around a lot in the past two years. I've been to PA and back. And I've noticed that PA *really* changed me. The relationship I had there also really changed me. The other day I was on the phone with an old coworker, and she wanted me to validate her emotional response to how badly her life was going. Well, I may not be the friend to call when you need that. I've become much more of a, "Gather all data possible, examine the problem - not the symptoms - and then work what *can* be impacted. Whether that be changing myself, my social group, my geographical location, etc." I am still a very emotional person, but I've been learning how not to live by my emotions and feelings and how to bring logic and reason into choices and behavior.
Well, when I didn't give this friend the answer she wanted, she was *shocked* and outright said, "You used to be the best person to go to for advice!" and when I responded that I had changed a lot, her bitter response was, "Yes. You have." essentially the end of the conversation.
The thing is, maybe this sounds cold hearted, but I don't so much care? My life is better this way, and regressing back into over emotionally responding to bad circumstances wasn't really going to help anything. In fact, when one is constantly stressed, no matter what they do, maybe the issue isn't the world around them, maybe the issue is the person who's constantly stressed. Maybe if that person changed their responses and interactions with the world, the stresses would suddenly slow to trot instead of a steady emerald downs race pace.
Good news is, I was able to get her attention back by softening my logic and what I was saying instead of coming on so harsh. The conversation actually ended on a better note.
so, that's a lot of information for you that is only somewhat relevant to where I started...
I love to write, and I LOVE to share some of my inter workings with people.
I shall end this note to say that I have always wanted and wished that you and I would be able to have a positive and blessed relationship at some point. Feel free to share your half of the New Covenant experience. As I stated, I always enjoy having new and more accurate data to assimilate into my memories.
You are a curious and precious creature.
I'd love to pick your brain, I think.
Everyone gets busy. I'm busy a lot these days myself. So, I don't so much care if you're quick to respond. I am just blessed that, at some point, you will respond.
~katrina
Now, I italicized the last three lines of the message because I want each of you to know that I believe this across the board. I am not an 'acquaintance' person. I don't do light relationships. I like to dig deep. I like to share experiences. I like to hear about the bad stuff more than the good - to be honest. I like the hard stuff. I like the trials that you've come through. I don't share this livejournal with just everyone.
It's not for everyone. It's for my circle of trust. If you're on this list, you were invited in, or I was okay with you seeing this piece of me.
I don't censor myself here because this is my safe place.
I'm honest. I'm real. I'm silly. I'm crazy. Sometimes offensive. Sometimes sad. I'm me.
And I appreciate every comment I get from each of you as well.
You are all loved.
~katrina