Jun 14, 2005, 10:46 PM. To EMS.
ellen, the one thing that would be of any use to me right now would be
to be outside, somewhere, alone or with someone who i loved and who
appreciated such things as silence and appreciation, and to just wait
for eternity.
we're worms, everything we consume is meant to just pass through us.
transitory feelings, experience, existence. love even, which is why a
constant supply is needed. we don't just eat once and live off of it
our entire lives, our drink once and have our thirst quenched
eternally. likewise, we don't just witness beauty once, or stand in
the rain once, or cry once, and go off of it forevermore.
we need constant fulfillment, nothing is permanent. nothing is
certain, but death, and that is why we live. why else?
that's all meant to be positive... but for a million other reasons,
i'm feeling really down right now. i just don't feel love, like i want
to.
[...]
...How is it you want to feel love?
[...]
right now, when i feel love, i feel as though it is so infinitely
fragile. i feel like it's momentary and not always meant. i feel like
it's insubstantial, conditional, and carries burdensome consequences
heavier than the lightness it's supposed to bring. by consequences i
mean... when, one moment, i'm feeling very loved and loving and in
love, and the next minute i feel like the rug's been pulled out from
under me and i fall to the ground. only to be spit at by whoever did
it. maybe even kicked. really. it sucks.
but that's only one issue. when those feelings of love are present,
they're so vague and disinterested, and i always feel like, if
christine is acting as though, for a brief moment, she really loves
me... i must do everything possible not to "screw it up." and, what
kind of love is that? maybe she doesn't see that i love her, maybe she
doesn't even vibe with me at all. maybe my idea of love is too
far-fetched for her masochistically-realistic tastes.
but, when i was 11, and before and after that by a couple years, i
really think i felt something that was so powerful and pure and
wonderful, that society truly wishes i'd "grow up" and forget about.
and maybe that society includes christine.
it's not that i fall in love easily, because with my history of
relationships and with all that i expect in love, you'd think that i
was a sour old bastard who could never love a soul. but that's
entirely untrue. the problem is, my love is something far more
emotionally testing and enigmatic (to me) than the "I love you, you
love me, let's do 'fun' things and try not to fight" love that I've
been experiencing.
of course, it wasn't always like that, but when it changes, to
something like this relationship i have with christine where she lives
with her parents, she won't come over to my apartment unless i
practically beg her, she never surprises me, she never calls me, she
never emails... yet she, for my benefit only, pretends to still want
to be with me... it's all just kind of silly. but believe me, i run
with that lie, i sleep on that lie, i wake up to that lie and let that
lie carry me through the day, because i know that when i do (which i
will) face the truth that this relationship is out of control and
nearing complete lovelessness, i will be a complete disaster.
so i'm just trying to cushion the fall. that's what it feels like...
i'm falling from the sky, knowing that i'll hit the ground, and
pondering what exactly i could do to survive the impact. that song by
live comes to be... "in a million mile fall from grace, thank god we
missed the ground."
but, no, this is all backwards. how is it i want to feel love? let me
tell you ellen, i trust you'll understand. but this is only right now.
later, it could be a thousand other things.
late night. general disregard for the next day. middle of nowhere.
stars, or rain, curvy roads, music, hot climate, sweet glances,
soul-searching, silence. curiosity, randomness. eyes closed. listening
to the world society forgot. falling leaves, vivid blue skies. wooden
bridges, creeks. jokes and water and heart-aching attraction. new
places, old places, familiar places. overwhelmed by beauty. yearning
for sleep, just to listen. yearning for morning, just for the sunrise.
climbing trees, being blown by the wind. the door knocking, walking,
never explaining the things you say, making and sharing food, being
alone, being captivated, desire, being caught, like a deer in the
headlights, whispering, finding eternal beauty in the mundane, nearly
insane ranting, watching someone move, breathing. making love. hearing
that train call, from a light year away, from the past, filling me
with emptiness. searching for it with my heart. cold, on the rooftops,
afraid to be caught but too entranced. snow falling throw the windows.
in love, in love.
to be outside, somewhere, alone or with someone who i loved and who
appreciated such things as silence and appreciation, and to just wait
for eternity.
we're worms, everything we consume is meant to just pass through us.
transitory feelings, experience, existence. love even, which is why a
constant supply is needed. we don't just eat once and live off of it
our entire lives, our drink once and have our thirst quenched
eternally. likewise, we don't just witness beauty once, or stand in
the rain once, or cry once, and go off of it forevermore.
we need constant fulfillment, nothing is permanent. nothing is
certain, but death, and that is why we live. why else?
that's all meant to be positive... but for a million other reasons,
i'm feeling really down right now. i just don't feel love, like i want
to.
[...]
...How is it you want to feel love?
[...]
right now, when i feel love, i feel as though it is so infinitely
fragile. i feel like it's momentary and not always meant. i feel like
it's insubstantial, conditional, and carries burdensome consequences
heavier than the lightness it's supposed to bring. by consequences i
mean... when, one moment, i'm feeling very loved and loving and in
love, and the next minute i feel like the rug's been pulled out from
under me and i fall to the ground. only to be spit at by whoever did
it. maybe even kicked. really. it sucks.
but that's only one issue. when those feelings of love are present,
they're so vague and disinterested, and i always feel like, if
christine is acting as though, for a brief moment, she really loves
me... i must do everything possible not to "screw it up." and, what
kind of love is that? maybe she doesn't see that i love her, maybe she
doesn't even vibe with me at all. maybe my idea of love is too
far-fetched for her masochistically-realistic tastes.
but, when i was 11, and before and after that by a couple years, i
really think i felt something that was so powerful and pure and
wonderful, that society truly wishes i'd "grow up" and forget about.
and maybe that society includes christine.
it's not that i fall in love easily, because with my history of
relationships and with all that i expect in love, you'd think that i
was a sour old bastard who could never love a soul. but that's
entirely untrue. the problem is, my love is something far more
emotionally testing and enigmatic (to me) than the "I love you, you
love me, let's do 'fun' things and try not to fight" love that I've
been experiencing.
of course, it wasn't always like that, but when it changes, to
something like this relationship i have with christine where she lives
with her parents, she won't come over to my apartment unless i
practically beg her, she never surprises me, she never calls me, she
never emails... yet she, for my benefit only, pretends to still want
to be with me... it's all just kind of silly. but believe me, i run
with that lie, i sleep on that lie, i wake up to that lie and let that
lie carry me through the day, because i know that when i do (which i
will) face the truth that this relationship is out of control and
nearing complete lovelessness, i will be a complete disaster.
so i'm just trying to cushion the fall. that's what it feels like...
i'm falling from the sky, knowing that i'll hit the ground, and
pondering what exactly i could do to survive the impact. that song by
live comes to be... "in a million mile fall from grace, thank god we
missed the ground."
but, no, this is all backwards. how is it i want to feel love? let me
tell you ellen, i trust you'll understand. but this is only right now.
later, it could be a thousand other things.
late night. general disregard for the next day. middle of nowhere.
stars, or rain, curvy roads, music, hot climate, sweet glances,
soul-searching, silence. curiosity, randomness. eyes closed. listening
to the world society forgot. falling leaves, vivid blue skies. wooden
bridges, creeks. jokes and water and heart-aching attraction. new
places, old places, familiar places. overwhelmed by beauty. yearning
for sleep, just to listen. yearning for morning, just for the sunrise.
climbing trees, being blown by the wind. the door knocking, walking,
never explaining the things you say, making and sharing food, being
alone, being captivated, desire, being caught, like a deer in the
headlights, whispering, finding eternal beauty in the mundane, nearly
insane ranting, watching someone move, breathing. making love. hearing
that train call, from a light year away, from the past, filling me
with emptiness. searching for it with my heart. cold, on the rooftops,
afraid to be caught but too entranced. snow falling throw the windows.
in love, in love.