(no subject)
I feel alot lately. It seems that I have felt more passion, more hatred, more agony, more happiness and more envy than I have in a really really long time. I get jealous over the smallest things that I see, that I read, that I picture in my head for reasons I can't figure out why. I zone out sometimes before I go to sleep, or in the middle of a conversation and for some reason I make myself see these horrible things that seriously drive me up the fucking wall in envy and disgust. It isn't even paranoi, it's something else. I make myself sick thinking about some of this to the point that I get nauscious. I see him touching another girl, talking to another girl, laughing with another girl and being happier with another girl that he hardly even knows... and that girl stealing every ounce of happiness that I have built up over the past months. I reassure myself that everything is fine and I am sick and dilluted for making myself picture this shit and making myself sick purposely... but I can't stop. Then I wonder if I am telling myself that everything is okay just to make myself feel more secure, and wonder if everything really is as awful as what I picture in my head... if maybe I have been blocking out all of the bad so much that it is coming to me so hard and too much at once that I can't handle it. But it's my fault? I choose to bottle up every ounce of emotion that I do feel and lock it up inside me to avoid conflict and to avoid a slap in the face that I have become accustomed to (and seems like the only way that I will learn anything these days). I've built a baracade with myself so high that I can't see what I was after in the first place and what I really want anymore and my intentions and his intentions in the beginning and everything has changed into this big blah and I don't make sense anymore. I can feel... but I have lost touch in what each feeling means and what they are triggered from. I'm in love, for the first time in my life I think and I get shit in return. But is that why I love him? Because he treats me exaclty how I am used to being treated by my father so it makes sense and the father complex comes into play and I wonder if everyone was always right about me.
Everyone knows who I am around here, everyone at all the places and shows that I go to all know me by name and face. I'm like a fucking celebrity and I wish I wasn't known at all. I've been ruined, I have a rep to my name and there is no denying who I am and no convincing anymore. The few people who know me for who I truely am are the few that I talk to and choose to stay with me, and the few who I still choose not to tell a single thought that I think thesedays. bottle it up bottle it up and now I'm starting to leak out little by little and I'm terrified of what is going to happen when I explode. That's kristin, and if you tell her that you like her she will fuck you because she secretly desires just to be loved... but she doesn't love back. Kristin is pregnant, kristin is a whore, kristin fucked so and so and so and so and so and so... and who are you people?
Guys fall in love with me, over and over and over and over. Guys want to fuck me, use me for what they have heard I am good for, tell me amazing things and tell me that they would never harm me and lure me into their bedrooms and I've believed it over and over again. I have so much love inside of me, so deep inside though because it is terrified to put itself into something into someone. I won't feel vulnerable and I won't commit because I am too chicken shit and too much of a shitty person.
fuck it. I'm whining like a huge bitch right now.
"being a weenie" as someone would say.
I won't complain because it's a waste of energy and a waste of breath. I know this isn't going to be easy, and I know that this might not work out after all, but for the time being I just want to live, and feel the love, feel the hate, and feel the envy for what it is worth.
Everyone knows who I am around here, everyone at all the places and shows that I go to all know me by name and face. I'm like a fucking celebrity and I wish I wasn't known at all. I've been ruined, I have a rep to my name and there is no denying who I am and no convincing anymore. The few people who know me for who I truely am are the few that I talk to and choose to stay with me, and the few who I still choose not to tell a single thought that I think thesedays. bottle it up bottle it up and now I'm starting to leak out little by little and I'm terrified of what is going to happen when I explode. That's kristin, and if you tell her that you like her she will fuck you because she secretly desires just to be loved... but she doesn't love back. Kristin is pregnant, kristin is a whore, kristin fucked so and so and so and so and so and so... and who are you people?
Guys fall in love with me, over and over and over and over. Guys want to fuck me, use me for what they have heard I am good for, tell me amazing things and tell me that they would never harm me and lure me into their bedrooms and I've believed it over and over again. I have so much love inside of me, so deep inside though because it is terrified to put itself into something into someone. I won't feel vulnerable and I won't commit because I am too chicken shit and too much of a shitty person.
fuck it. I'm whining like a huge bitch right now.
"being a weenie" as someone would say.
I won't complain because it's a waste of energy and a waste of breath. I know this isn't going to be easy, and I know that this might not work out after all, but for the time being I just want to live, and feel the love, feel the hate, and feel the envy for what it is worth.